The beginning of the rainy season brings to mind many a vivid memories of my past, including those that are consciously forgotten and those that are subconsciously repressed. I have adored the rain for its great power of cleansing and healing all the physical and emotional scars that bear witness to my failures as a person and as a lover. The changing of the seasons signifies the indefatigable cycle of life, growth, development and metamorphosis — with the inevitable fact that it is certain and unavoidable. It is a test of humility, acceptance and endurance—and it is up to us to discover that it is in change that we realize our fuller potentials as individuals.
It had been days since my boyfriend Marco had left me. Though we did not necessarily lost contact with each other, he had called me a couple of times (on our 7th monthsary and at my 19th birthday [NY time]); and for me the simple reassuring words of “I Love You,” and “Let’s Fight for this Relationship,” is like a balm to the hurt.
I opened up with my closest friends. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in this relationship I tend on keeping. I’m even more proud of myself with the fact that I was able to gather more strength to fuel the warmth of our relationship.
Some of my friends have said to forget about it. Few of them said to fight for it. Most people are against long distance relationships and I wonder about that. This is a first experience for me that's why I’m all optimistic about it. But I believe that relationships are valuable, are hard to find, so when and if you find the one that seems perfect for you why not pursue it. Get through the obstacles cause in the end its the relationship that's going to make you happy and everything else wouldn't matter.
There are some sacrifices/compromises that can be made to make it work; it just depends on the strength of the relationship. And I’m very much willing to make one.
One of my close friends texted me and asked me about the complexity our relationship is experiencing. I told her that we are in an “Open-Dating” set-up—meaning, we can date new men as long as we like, on the condition that we must inform each other of our personal decisions. It is typical of some homosexual relationships—more on like “I’ve found a new lover, kindly let go of me”-type and “Be happy for me and thanks for the love”-type. My friend couldn’t help but feel more and more confused. We started a text debacle and ended up with her advice of:
“Let go of him R***. It only means to say that there’s someone better waiting for you =). I’ll always be praying for your happiness.”
I’m left with the ambivalent feeling of relief and confusion. Is she right? Is it much better for me to move on and let go of him? Or should I fight for this relationship with all of my strength?
I’m left with a thousand puzzling questions unanswerable even by the most intelligent man on this planet.
One thing I just learned, I longed for my much-needed closure with my significant other.
But another thing I just learned, closure isn't something that you're always given...
A friend suggested that I should disregard and burn all the things that remind me of him. But I know it isn’t possible. Marco’s presence is everywhere in my life… He is in the watch I wear everyday in school. He is in my clothes that I wore during our dates and rendezvous. He is in the scent of the perfume that we bought together. He is in my mind, my thoughts, and my consciousness. How could I possible let go of someone who have fueled my life and made meaning to my existence?
Then I had a thought, he is a part of my life and will forever be. But had he become the ghost that I feared and dreaded when he left me here alone?
A sage once said that we must confront our own ghost, acknowledge its presence, then release it. In my life, I am definitely haunted by the ghosts of my relationships past. Old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone I had unresolved issues with I am bound to run into again and again until I fully resolve them. My relationship with Marco was dead for quite some time but as I go on with my personal life, he had inevitably become a presence in my life for good. And he had been there all along. Like the scent, the gifts, the memories I could never bring myself to forgot.
“When a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost? Or are we forever haunted by the spirits of the relationship past?”
Just last week, I accidentally bumped into my ex-boyfriend in a mall at Makati. He confronted me and told me harsh, hurtful words that struck my heart like daggers. His messages reverberate indifference and coldness but his actions told otherwise.
Though I’ve become hurt and wounded when our relationship failed, I can feel that he was still suffering from the pains he incurred when our relationship died. His anger and disappointment is palpable. I can feel that he’s still fighting to hold on to me as long as his capacities can. My mind told me to forget everything about him, but my heart is telling me to give him another chance. We didn’t have a proper break-up. The hurtful messages are unintentional, I believe. I had forgiven him. And he had forgiven me too.
I can’t understand myself. My heart tells me to fight for my relationship with Marco but the sudden presence of my ex-BFs suggests my heart to have some serious considerations. I’m back to the ride in my emotional rollercoaster again. The messages my ex-BF is sending me at present shook my heart for reconsideration, but can I wholeheartedly let go of the man who makes my heart beat anyway?
.
.
I had confronted my ghost. I had accepted and released him. But now I was more haunted than ever. Because what I felt all along was no ghost… it was real.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
"Last Night I Heard the Screaming..."
I was browsing the Sunday paper off our porch when I came upon this article with the same title as above written by the superb writer/advocate Bum Tenorio Jr. As I conscientiously read the article, I was surprised to find out that it dealt about domestic violence present among homosexual couples. I was immediately engrossed and enthralled, not only because of my affirmative interest about the topic, but because I (probably) had become a victim of one in my past.
To quote from Bum Tenorio’s article:
“Not many are in the know—or perhaps they are just unmindful and insensitive or simply oblivious—to the fact that domestic violence is NOT just a crime affecting heterosexual couples. The structure and dynamics of homosexual couples are ALSO SIMILAR to the abuses that take place in heterosexual relationship. After all, VIOLENCE IS NOT JUST ABOUT ANGER. It’s about POWER and CONTROL.
“Unlike women, however, who can report cases of domestic abuse to many a women center all over the country, gay and lesbian victims in the Philippines normally do not seek help not because they are ashamed of their plight but because they think there isn’t any help available to them. More often than not, gay people lodge their complaints in the barangay. Many times, the buck stops there.
.
.
“Homophobia truly compounds the problems faced by gay and lesbian victims of domestic violence. The rest of the society may not admit it but I still believe that homophobia — the society’s fear and hatred towards gay and leasbians — is a contributory factor to the difficulties and complexities faced by battered homosexuals. Though there is much tolerance now, the persistent and palpable societal homophobia leads to isolation of the victims, therefore contributing to the violence they undergo.
.
.
“It is always, always unjust and unwarranted to hear heterosexuals saying that a gay couple’s main function for coupling is because of SEX. Look closely here, the configuration of gay and lesbian relationship mirrors that of their male-female counterparts. Unions between two gays or lesbians stream from far more than the desire to have a steady copulating partner. LIKE THE HETEROSEXUALS’ SEARCH FOR A LOVER, HOMOSEXUALS ALSO LOOK FOR LOVE AND LOYALTY, DEVOTION AND DEDICATION, FRIENDSHIP AND FIDELITY, COMMITMENT AND COMPANIONSHIP IN THEIR PARTNER. The many parallels and similarities between a man-woman relationship and man-man or woman-woman relationship make homosexual domestic violence equally alarming as that of the heterosexual’s… Only, there are no 24-hour crisis hotlines or emergency shelters that solely cater to domestic violence in same-sex affair.”
Its extremely gratifying to realize that there are people who still speak out for the oppressed, the exploited and the voiceless in the society. I have personally heard some first-hand accounts on domestic violence among my homosexual friends and it is even widely depicted on our television screens (think Six Feet Under and Nip/Tuck). Why does our homophobic society still thinks of homosexual relationships as subhuman? Is this the impression they want to imprint on the minds and hearts of our youth? That relationships involving same-sex couples are dehumanizing, irrational and absurd?
Lately I’ve got to thinking that domestic violence among homosexual and heterosexual partners does not only involve physical assault or battery, but mostly of the emotional repercussions of every act of violence. The pain of a hurtful blow might subside after weeks but wounding words is even more painful, agonizing, and unbearable for one. Every hurtful word said is an act of violence in itself. No matter how subtle the hurt is, damages will still be done either knowingly or unknowingly inferred.
And then I realized how I had been a victim of one. Like many homosexual people in a relationship, we all had experienced the pain and the hurts of domestic violence in the emotional aspect. Hurtful words are said, so are the consequences and the repercussions. Time might heal all of the corporeal wounds, but the emotional ramifications are much more deafening. And no amount of balm can successfully cure the wounds.
We all had been to several hardships in our relationships, and whether they survived or failed, enduring all the pains is an inevitable reality. Like Agent Clarice Starling in the Silence of the Lambs, we all woke up in the middle of the night to hear the screaming of the lambs, our personal pains, our burdens, our fears, and all we can do is ask:
When will the screaming ever stop?
PS. Kudos to Mr. Bum Tenorio Jr. for his article entitled “Last Night I Heard the Screaming.” I’m encouraging everyone to obtain a copy of June 12, 2005’s edition of The Philippine Star where the original article is published.
To quote from Bum Tenorio’s article:
“Not many are in the know—or perhaps they are just unmindful and insensitive or simply oblivious—to the fact that domestic violence is NOT just a crime affecting heterosexual couples. The structure and dynamics of homosexual couples are ALSO SIMILAR to the abuses that take place in heterosexual relationship. After all, VIOLENCE IS NOT JUST ABOUT ANGER. It’s about POWER and CONTROL.
“Unlike women, however, who can report cases of domestic abuse to many a women center all over the country, gay and lesbian victims in the Philippines normally do not seek help not because they are ashamed of their plight but because they think there isn’t any help available to them. More often than not, gay people lodge their complaints in the barangay. Many times, the buck stops there.
.
.
“Homophobia truly compounds the problems faced by gay and lesbian victims of domestic violence. The rest of the society may not admit it but I still believe that homophobia — the society’s fear and hatred towards gay and leasbians — is a contributory factor to the difficulties and complexities faced by battered homosexuals. Though there is much tolerance now, the persistent and palpable societal homophobia leads to isolation of the victims, therefore contributing to the violence they undergo.
.
.
“It is always, always unjust and unwarranted to hear heterosexuals saying that a gay couple’s main function for coupling is because of SEX. Look closely here, the configuration of gay and lesbian relationship mirrors that of their male-female counterparts. Unions between two gays or lesbians stream from far more than the desire to have a steady copulating partner. LIKE THE HETEROSEXUALS’ SEARCH FOR A LOVER, HOMOSEXUALS ALSO LOOK FOR LOVE AND LOYALTY, DEVOTION AND DEDICATION, FRIENDSHIP AND FIDELITY, COMMITMENT AND COMPANIONSHIP IN THEIR PARTNER. The many parallels and similarities between a man-woman relationship and man-man or woman-woman relationship make homosexual domestic violence equally alarming as that of the heterosexual’s… Only, there are no 24-hour crisis hotlines or emergency shelters that solely cater to domestic violence in same-sex affair.”
Its extremely gratifying to realize that there are people who still speak out for the oppressed, the exploited and the voiceless in the society. I have personally heard some first-hand accounts on domestic violence among my homosexual friends and it is even widely depicted on our television screens (think Six Feet Under and Nip/Tuck). Why does our homophobic society still thinks of homosexual relationships as subhuman? Is this the impression they want to imprint on the minds and hearts of our youth? That relationships involving same-sex couples are dehumanizing, irrational and absurd?
Lately I’ve got to thinking that domestic violence among homosexual and heterosexual partners does not only involve physical assault or battery, but mostly of the emotional repercussions of every act of violence. The pain of a hurtful blow might subside after weeks but wounding words is even more painful, agonizing, and unbearable for one. Every hurtful word said is an act of violence in itself. No matter how subtle the hurt is, damages will still be done either knowingly or unknowingly inferred.
And then I realized how I had been a victim of one. Like many homosexual people in a relationship, we all had experienced the pain and the hurts of domestic violence in the emotional aspect. Hurtful words are said, so are the consequences and the repercussions. Time might heal all of the corporeal wounds, but the emotional ramifications are much more deafening. And no amount of balm can successfully cure the wounds.
We all had been to several hardships in our relationships, and whether they survived or failed, enduring all the pains is an inevitable reality. Like Agent Clarice Starling in the Silence of the Lambs, we all woke up in the middle of the night to hear the screaming of the lambs, our personal pains, our burdens, our fears, and all we can do is ask:
When will the screaming ever stop?
PS. Kudos to Mr. Bum Tenorio Jr. for his article entitled “Last Night I Heard the Screaming.” I’m encouraging everyone to obtain a copy of June 12, 2005’s edition of The Philippine Star where the original article is published.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
A Glimpse of Paradise
I was awaken with the incessant toot-toot-ing of my cell phone, not my alarm clock, with the soft plopping of raindrops falling under the sky and dropping into our roof. I was so pre-occupied with my Marco-obsessions, my ex-boyfriend’s hate messages (which he texted me just last evening), and my compulsion to finish the last chapters of Angels & Demons, that I almost completely forgotten my OWN BIRTHDAY!!! Thank Heavens, a lot of people in my inbox genuinely reminded me of what I was just naïvely missing.
YES, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY. I’M OFFICIALLY 19.
I turned on the television and despicably saw Reuben Studdard singing the “Don’t You Remember You Told Me You Love Me Baby”-song in the Oprah Winfrey Show. Appalled and dismayed, I turned the dial to contemptibly see Nina in MTV singing “I Don’t Wanna Be Your Friend.” Completely aghast, I shifted to ETC to see the host of The Today Show cooking fricassee. Thank God there are still channels on earth not reminding me of all my love tragedies. I immediately felt relieved. You have no idea. This is my special day! I deserve to be happy. I don’t need Reuben and Nina and the likes telling me such bullshits on love! I’m implementing egotism today. Not my boyfriend sentiments nor my ex-boyfriends whining can change my frame of mind. THIS IS MY DAY!!
I got to thinking of my very best friend (yihee) Demiguin who I’ve just met yesterday and her fabulous gift I proudly displayed here in my room. It is a fabulous graffiti shirt with the inspiring message: “IF YOU THINK SEX IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!” This is the most memorable gift I’ve received yet from a very very good friend. After our lunch yesterday, we went to iko lai’s pod and watch the provocative breakthrough film Y Tu Mama Tambien to the realization that friendship, like life, transforms and evolves and breaks barriers and conventions, and ultimately endures despite all the pains, the sorrows, and all the betrayals.
Suddenly it dawned on me. I’M IN DESPERATE NEED OF CLOSURE.
According to my most loved author May Luna Sy, “Closure began as a clinical term used by mental health professionals to define a stage in traumatic grief where one is able to reinvest in life, where living is not to be endured, but cherished.
“Closure is being able to put an end to something. For example, you stop pining for the guy who got away. You stop thinking about what might have been. You stop blaming yourself for making the wrong decision or worse, for not making a decision.
“But before you achieve closure, you have to go through a lot of grief, pain, confusion, gallons of ice cream or even a handful of lovers.”
Then I realize that I haven’t had closure with all of my past boyfriends. Some of them still have the grudges and the bitterness towards me. This fact makes me uneasy and perturbed. I couldn’t stand the reality that somewhere in the universe, someone close or who used to be close to my heart is still suffering from the remnants of our failed relationship. While I’m sincerely happy at present, I can’t help but commiserate with their sympathy. Sometimes, loving is about letting go sans all the loathing and repugnance. There are still times when my heart still aches because I’ve never let go completely but I know that I’ve done my fair share. I’m sincerely hoping they will… too.
But now I have a choice. This is my DAY. I could drown myself with the infinite ramblings of all of the mistakes and imperfections of all of my past relationships or I can give myself my much-needed closure as my birthday present. I’ll choose the latter. I have spent my entire life living with the joys, pains and heartaches of all of my failed relationships. Today, I am giving myself the rest I so badly needed. This ain’t too much to ask. I am just giving my heart a break. This will be the time to pause and smell the roses. And hopefully, the sun will soon shine.
The rain still shows its fury but it is still a beautiful world. I have my very loving family, my extremely fabulous friends, my loving boyfriend in NY, and all of the wonderful people I have met in my lifetime. What else could I possibly ask for more? I have had my much-longed peace of mind—and this is my glimpse of paradise.
YES, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY. I’M OFFICIALLY 19.
I turned on the television and despicably saw Reuben Studdard singing the “Don’t You Remember You Told Me You Love Me Baby”-song in the Oprah Winfrey Show. Appalled and dismayed, I turned the dial to contemptibly see Nina in MTV singing “I Don’t Wanna Be Your Friend.” Completely aghast, I shifted to ETC to see the host of The Today Show cooking fricassee. Thank God there are still channels on earth not reminding me of all my love tragedies. I immediately felt relieved. You have no idea. This is my special day! I deserve to be happy. I don’t need Reuben and Nina and the likes telling me such bullshits on love! I’m implementing egotism today. Not my boyfriend sentiments nor my ex-boyfriends whining can change my frame of mind. THIS IS MY DAY!!
I got to thinking of my very best friend (yihee) Demiguin who I’ve just met yesterday and her fabulous gift I proudly displayed here in my room. It is a fabulous graffiti shirt with the inspiring message: “IF YOU THINK SEX IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!” This is the most memorable gift I’ve received yet from a very very good friend. After our lunch yesterday, we went to iko lai’s pod and watch the provocative breakthrough film Y Tu Mama Tambien to the realization that friendship, like life, transforms and evolves and breaks barriers and conventions, and ultimately endures despite all the pains, the sorrows, and all the betrayals.
Suddenly it dawned on me. I’M IN DESPERATE NEED OF CLOSURE.
According to my most loved author May Luna Sy, “Closure began as a clinical term used by mental health professionals to define a stage in traumatic grief where one is able to reinvest in life, where living is not to be endured, but cherished.
“Closure is being able to put an end to something. For example, you stop pining for the guy who got away. You stop thinking about what might have been. You stop blaming yourself for making the wrong decision or worse, for not making a decision.
“But before you achieve closure, you have to go through a lot of grief, pain, confusion, gallons of ice cream or even a handful of lovers.”
Then I realize that I haven’t had closure with all of my past boyfriends. Some of them still have the grudges and the bitterness towards me. This fact makes me uneasy and perturbed. I couldn’t stand the reality that somewhere in the universe, someone close or who used to be close to my heart is still suffering from the remnants of our failed relationship. While I’m sincerely happy at present, I can’t help but commiserate with their sympathy. Sometimes, loving is about letting go sans all the loathing and repugnance. There are still times when my heart still aches because I’ve never let go completely but I know that I’ve done my fair share. I’m sincerely hoping they will… too.
But now I have a choice. This is my DAY. I could drown myself with the infinite ramblings of all of the mistakes and imperfections of all of my past relationships or I can give myself my much-needed closure as my birthday present. I’ll choose the latter. I have spent my entire life living with the joys, pains and heartaches of all of my failed relationships. Today, I am giving myself the rest I so badly needed. This ain’t too much to ask. I am just giving my heart a break. This will be the time to pause and smell the roses. And hopefully, the sun will soon shine.
The rain still shows its fury but it is still a beautiful world. I have my very loving family, my extremely fabulous friends, my loving boyfriend in NY, and all of the wonderful people I have met in my lifetime. What else could I possibly ask for more? I have had my much-longed peace of mind—and this is my glimpse of paradise.
Monday, June 06, 2005
As The Sun Stood Still
The most painful thing a person involved in a relationship cannot possibly endure is the scene where you have to watch your Significant Other (S.O.) walk past you and leave you alone, and you have no choice but to let go of your S.O. wholeheartedly and unconditionally.
Oh Lord… why me?
It is official. My boyfriend had left the country as of Sunday (5th of June). He had left me… alone, shattered, desolate and devastated. There are absolutely no words that can describe what I’m feeling at present. God I feel so alone. The loneliness within me is palpable. I’m so broken.
Marco had been my boyfriend for seven months now. He had been my strength, my happiness, my world, my life and my soul. My whole life revolved around him. He showed me how to love unconditionally and how to be strong despite the obstacles the world is throwing us. He loved me unreservedly. I loved him so much. And I still do.
All these times, I believed that he was my soul mate, an idea that I did not patronize at first. But Marco made me believe that the random circumstance of acquaintance that made us one and together is pre-destined, written in the stars. But as stars exists, I never knew that the flame, no matter how strong, can be instantaneously extinguished in short span of time.
I found it extremely paradoxical that his date of flight landed one day short of our monthsary. It is the 6th of November when we officially become life-partners. And it is 5th of June that he left me. Is it a premonition that our relationship might not make any future progress? Is it just a random chance of circumstance? Is it a sign telling me to just move on and let go? Or to hold on and fight for this relationship as far as my faculties can reach?
In all of my past relationships, I had been tested just the same. People came into my life. They became my life. And they go. They leave me, with the fact that unknowingly, they take a part of me with their leaving. I’m left incomplete. And I will never be whole again. Relationships are investments. You gain some, yet you lose everything. And no matter how you try to gain them back again, things will never be the same. You will never be the same.
If there’s one consolation that my relationship with Marco had made me happy despite all of my pains, it is the fact that he loved me unconditionally in the face of my imperfections. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, I FELT LOVED, RESPECTED AND CHERISHED. It is completely fortunate for an imperfect person like me to be loved by a perfect person like him. Despite my failures, he accepted me wholeheartedly; he treats me with regard and importance; HE INSPIRED ME TO LOVE MORE, TO GIVE MORE, TO TRUST MORE; he taught me how to trust unconditionally. He is my friend, my lover, my heart and my soul. He is, and will forever be THE GREATEST PERSON I LOVED with all of my heart, my mind, and my soul. And as cliché as it may sound, in my existence, I know I will never, ever love this way again.
Yesterday, after our final night together, we spent our last brunch at Intercon prior to their flight at NAIA. The luggages were prepared beforehand, and we were at the airport as early as 2:30pm. We had our final snacks and the next minutes of my life seemed like forever. The rain fell as if the heavens is sharing my grief and sorrow. I cannot help but cry. I definitely cannot fight my emotions anymore. I am human. I am weak. Yet Marco remained strong all throughout these days. He had been the epitome of real strength. He cannot afford to be weak. Else, I will feel more vulnerable before I crumble and break down. It is one of the things I admired about him—he is steadfast, unfaltering, and strong. And I still remained as the usual weakling—fragile, feeble, breakable.
But his steadfast strength made me realize that I can become stronger than what I had been. HE MADE ME BELIEVE THAT I CAN DO THINGS AS LONG AS LOVE IS ABLE. As long as I place my unwavering trust in our relationship, I know I can do better. And despite the distance barriers, I know that there is still one person on this universe who will still love and respect me unconditionally—and that person will always be my MARCO.
As I look back, Sex and the City’s ™ Carrie’s words reverberates in my brain;
“I got to thinking about FATE. That crazy concept that we are not responsible for the course of our life takes, that is all predestined, written in the STARS. Maybe that explains why, if you live in the city where you can’t even see the stars, your love life tends to feel a little more RANDOM. Even if our every man, every kiss, every heartache is preordered from some cosmic catalog, can we still make the wrong step and wander off our own personal milky WAY? I couldn’t help but wonder, CAN YOU MAKE A MISTAKE AND MISS YOUR FATE?
“Maybe our mistakes are what shape our fate. If we veered into a different direction, it may lead us back. After all, seasons change; years come and go, but the ones you love, stays in your HEART.”
Perhaps it is fate, or it is our choices in life, or it is God’s will that shapes our existence in this universe. There are still times when my heart aches, longing for my Marco, needing his presence, but in my heart I know I will be fine. There are storms people can’t simply avoid. The winds are strong but our love is stronger. As I look outside my window and savor the raindrops and the rays of the sun, I will forever remember my Marco. We will make it. I know we will.
As the snow falls on Marco’s cheeks along the crowded streets of New York, I know that our love will forever keep us warm. Our love is stronger than the blazing hearth, it is inextinguishable, it is forever, endless, infinite. The snow and the storm might not stop at least for the moment, but the eternal sun is just standing by… waiting for its rightly return.
And I will wait for him… as the sun stood still.
PS. We are in deep gratitude to all of you for all the prayers and the kindest words of support and encouragement. We will be fine. We appreciate the sympathy and your sincerest kindness. We are forever indebted.
Oh Lord… why me?
It is official. My boyfriend had left the country as of Sunday (5th of June). He had left me… alone, shattered, desolate and devastated. There are absolutely no words that can describe what I’m feeling at present. God I feel so alone. The loneliness within me is palpable. I’m so broken.
Marco had been my boyfriend for seven months now. He had been my strength, my happiness, my world, my life and my soul. My whole life revolved around him. He showed me how to love unconditionally and how to be strong despite the obstacles the world is throwing us. He loved me unreservedly. I loved him so much. And I still do.
All these times, I believed that he was my soul mate, an idea that I did not patronize at first. But Marco made me believe that the random circumstance of acquaintance that made us one and together is pre-destined, written in the stars. But as stars exists, I never knew that the flame, no matter how strong, can be instantaneously extinguished in short span of time.
I found it extremely paradoxical that his date of flight landed one day short of our monthsary. It is the 6th of November when we officially become life-partners. And it is 5th of June that he left me. Is it a premonition that our relationship might not make any future progress? Is it just a random chance of circumstance? Is it a sign telling me to just move on and let go? Or to hold on and fight for this relationship as far as my faculties can reach?
In all of my past relationships, I had been tested just the same. People came into my life. They became my life. And they go. They leave me, with the fact that unknowingly, they take a part of me with their leaving. I’m left incomplete. And I will never be whole again. Relationships are investments. You gain some, yet you lose everything. And no matter how you try to gain them back again, things will never be the same. You will never be the same.
If there’s one consolation that my relationship with Marco had made me happy despite all of my pains, it is the fact that he loved me unconditionally in the face of my imperfections. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, I FELT LOVED, RESPECTED AND CHERISHED. It is completely fortunate for an imperfect person like me to be loved by a perfect person like him. Despite my failures, he accepted me wholeheartedly; he treats me with regard and importance; HE INSPIRED ME TO LOVE MORE, TO GIVE MORE, TO TRUST MORE; he taught me how to trust unconditionally. He is my friend, my lover, my heart and my soul. He is, and will forever be THE GREATEST PERSON I LOVED with all of my heart, my mind, and my soul. And as cliché as it may sound, in my existence, I know I will never, ever love this way again.
Yesterday, after our final night together, we spent our last brunch at Intercon prior to their flight at NAIA. The luggages were prepared beforehand, and we were at the airport as early as 2:30pm. We had our final snacks and the next minutes of my life seemed like forever. The rain fell as if the heavens is sharing my grief and sorrow. I cannot help but cry. I definitely cannot fight my emotions anymore. I am human. I am weak. Yet Marco remained strong all throughout these days. He had been the epitome of real strength. He cannot afford to be weak. Else, I will feel more vulnerable before I crumble and break down. It is one of the things I admired about him—he is steadfast, unfaltering, and strong. And I still remained as the usual weakling—fragile, feeble, breakable.
But his steadfast strength made me realize that I can become stronger than what I had been. HE MADE ME BELIEVE THAT I CAN DO THINGS AS LONG AS LOVE IS ABLE. As long as I place my unwavering trust in our relationship, I know I can do better. And despite the distance barriers, I know that there is still one person on this universe who will still love and respect me unconditionally—and that person will always be my MARCO.
As I look back, Sex and the City’s ™ Carrie’s words reverberates in my brain;
“I got to thinking about FATE. That crazy concept that we are not responsible for the course of our life takes, that is all predestined, written in the STARS. Maybe that explains why, if you live in the city where you can’t even see the stars, your love life tends to feel a little more RANDOM. Even if our every man, every kiss, every heartache is preordered from some cosmic catalog, can we still make the wrong step and wander off our own personal milky WAY? I couldn’t help but wonder, CAN YOU MAKE A MISTAKE AND MISS YOUR FATE?
“Maybe our mistakes are what shape our fate. If we veered into a different direction, it may lead us back. After all, seasons change; years come and go, but the ones you love, stays in your HEART.”
Perhaps it is fate, or it is our choices in life, or it is God’s will that shapes our existence in this universe. There are still times when my heart aches, longing for my Marco, needing his presence, but in my heart I know I will be fine. There are storms people can’t simply avoid. The winds are strong but our love is stronger. As I look outside my window and savor the raindrops and the rays of the sun, I will forever remember my Marco. We will make it. I know we will.
As the snow falls on Marco’s cheeks along the crowded streets of New York, I know that our love will forever keep us warm. Our love is stronger than the blazing hearth, it is inextinguishable, it is forever, endless, infinite. The snow and the storm might not stop at least for the moment, but the eternal sun is just standing by… waiting for its rightly return.
And I will wait for him… as the sun stood still.
PS. We are in deep gratitude to all of you for all the prayers and the kindest words of support and encouragement. We will be fine. We appreciate the sympathy and your sincerest kindness. We are forever indebted.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
The End of the Storm
Despite the utmost comfort sleeping beside my boyfriend in this personal suite in Hotel Intercontinental (Makati) in a 200-count Egyptian cotton sheets, I was awaken with this extremely vague feeling of apprehending doom. I was shaken to the core. It felt as if an impending danger is imminent, the fear within me is palpable, and I was in intense anxiety. And God knows, I just hate this feeling.
Today was my boyfriend’s last day in the country. Last Friday (June 3), we, together with his family, spent the afternoon (lunch) in TGMs, just outside of the hotel we are staying. And yes, his family invited me to become a part (of their family) in their last days in the country. I reciprocated the huge privilege by practically involving myself in every activities they planned prior to their departure. It was some sort of a bitter acceptance to the things that I simply cannot obviate.
At that same day, Juan Marco asked me to accompany him to Cartier (in Ayala). He was planning to purchase some presents for his cousins, he told me. I proposed that we should go to Charriol instead, but despite my insinuations, he said that he already had his reservations there. When we arrived at the store, he told me that he was really planning to give me a present for my birthday to which sadly, by that time, he’s already gone. He presented me an exquisite Cartier watch (in mother-of-pearl dial and set with 26 jewels). My God, this is too much to ask. I wasn’t really expecting for this kind of surprise. I’m stunned by his thoughtfulness. He had pre-paid the watch and I was left with no choice but to accept it. In turn, I bought him a bi-dialed watch (exceeding my credit limit) to remind him that no matter distance and time barriers are at hand, my heart will always be waiting for his return.
Yesterday (June 4) was their despedida party (also at Hotel Intercontinental). It was a purely family event (plus me), and it was just a bittersweet moment. The champagne overflowed mixing with the tears. In my heart, it is absolutely painful watching occasions like this. I was emotionally drained. It seemed as if my heart was shattered into pieces and no matter how I organize them back, a substantial part will be forever gone. I suddenly felt alone and desolate. Despite all the consolation and solace, I still couldn’t help but feel abandoned and cry.
We spent our last dinner together in Le Soufflé. And we had our (drumroll please) final night at our suite in Intercon. We had the night together alongside red wine and flambeau. It was my perfect night ever. Despite the pains I’ve been keeping for the past few days, I just couldn’t help but feel glad, for things will finally be fine. His presence fueled my existence. We breathe the same air. Our hearts beat in unison. We are perfect. It is just wrong to break us apart. God I’m so alone.
Yet on the other hand, I feel extremely contented. Genuinely happy for the seven fabulous months of our relationship. It might be not that long, but it was extremely substantial. Why am I bickering with anguish and sorrow when I can rejoice and celebrate for the very good times that we spent together? I am fortunate that I met a good man in the midst of all aridity and disappointments that happened in my life. The time we spent together is nothing but a genuine testament of our true love. Suddenly, it was not that bad at all. The looming challenge is just another chapter in the chronicle of our lives.
Call it ambivalence, but sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely and happy, and satisfied and longing all at the same time. The flurry of emotions is tremendous and I’m left with no choice but to keep myself whole and unshattered despite all forces riveting my sanity. The clock at our room reads early morning and it is still dark outside. The scanty downpour of raindrops falls simultaneously with the tears overflowing down my eyes into my cheeks. He is yet sleeping, he has to prepare for the long road ahead. May the rain cleanse my fear and hurts. Wash my doubts and uncertainties. Purify my soul. Renew my spirit. Fill me with strength. May your strength permeates me with vigor. Heal me…
In hours or so, the sun will soon rise. And perhaps, the storm will soon be over.
PS. I’ll be crawling back to our bed. God really knows how to answer prayers. I am in deep gratitude to all who prayed for us. My appreciation to all of you who reads my blog.
Thanks to Intercon’s Wi-Fi and laptop privileges for without it, this blog will not become possible.
Today was my boyfriend’s last day in the country. Last Friday (June 3), we, together with his family, spent the afternoon (lunch) in TGMs, just outside of the hotel we are staying. And yes, his family invited me to become a part (of their family) in their last days in the country. I reciprocated the huge privilege by practically involving myself in every activities they planned prior to their departure. It was some sort of a bitter acceptance to the things that I simply cannot obviate.
At that same day, Juan Marco asked me to accompany him to Cartier (in Ayala). He was planning to purchase some presents for his cousins, he told me. I proposed that we should go to Charriol instead, but despite my insinuations, he said that he already had his reservations there. When we arrived at the store, he told me that he was really planning to give me a present for my birthday to which sadly, by that time, he’s already gone. He presented me an exquisite Cartier watch (in mother-of-pearl dial and set with 26 jewels). My God, this is too much to ask. I wasn’t really expecting for this kind of surprise. I’m stunned by his thoughtfulness. He had pre-paid the watch and I was left with no choice but to accept it. In turn, I bought him a bi-dialed watch (exceeding my credit limit) to remind him that no matter distance and time barriers are at hand, my heart will always be waiting for his return.
Yesterday (June 4) was their despedida party (also at Hotel Intercontinental). It was a purely family event (plus me), and it was just a bittersweet moment. The champagne overflowed mixing with the tears. In my heart, it is absolutely painful watching occasions like this. I was emotionally drained. It seemed as if my heart was shattered into pieces and no matter how I organize them back, a substantial part will be forever gone. I suddenly felt alone and desolate. Despite all the consolation and solace, I still couldn’t help but feel abandoned and cry.
We spent our last dinner together in Le Soufflé. And we had our (drumroll please) final night at our suite in Intercon. We had the night together alongside red wine and flambeau. It was my perfect night ever. Despite the pains I’ve been keeping for the past few days, I just couldn’t help but feel glad, for things will finally be fine. His presence fueled my existence. We breathe the same air. Our hearts beat in unison. We are perfect. It is just wrong to break us apart. God I’m so alone.
Yet on the other hand, I feel extremely contented. Genuinely happy for the seven fabulous months of our relationship. It might be not that long, but it was extremely substantial. Why am I bickering with anguish and sorrow when I can rejoice and celebrate for the very good times that we spent together? I am fortunate that I met a good man in the midst of all aridity and disappointments that happened in my life. The time we spent together is nothing but a genuine testament of our true love. Suddenly, it was not that bad at all. The looming challenge is just another chapter in the chronicle of our lives.
Call it ambivalence, but sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely and happy, and satisfied and longing all at the same time. The flurry of emotions is tremendous and I’m left with no choice but to keep myself whole and unshattered despite all forces riveting my sanity. The clock at our room reads early morning and it is still dark outside. The scanty downpour of raindrops falls simultaneously with the tears overflowing down my eyes into my cheeks. He is yet sleeping, he has to prepare for the long road ahead. May the rain cleanse my fear and hurts. Wash my doubts and uncertainties. Purify my soul. Renew my spirit. Fill me with strength. May your strength permeates me with vigor. Heal me…
In hours or so, the sun will soon rise. And perhaps, the storm will soon be over.
PS. I’ll be crawling back to our bed. God really knows how to answer prayers. I am in deep gratitude to all who prayed for us. My appreciation to all of you who reads my blog.
Thanks to Intercon’s Wi-Fi and laptop privileges for without it, this blog will not become possible.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Great Sexpectations
In an episode of Sex and the City ™, trisexual Samantha was invited by a gay couple asking her for a sexual favor—i.e., to sleep with them in a threesome. She also asserted this fabulous quote on human love and sexuality:
“Who we are in bed is who we are in life. Wake up, its 2000. The new millennium won’t be about sexual labels, it’ll be about sexual expression. It won’t matter if you’re sleeping with men or women. It’ll be about sleeping with individuals. Soon everyone will be pansexual. It won’t matter if you’re gay or straight, just if you’re good or bad in bed.”
Is Samantha right? Are we secretly being judged and scored by the people whom we had sexual relations with? A+, B-, C, Failed, incomplete, withdrew without permission? Are there standards similar to a Glasgow Coma Scale / APGAR / Baker-Wong Scale (penetrating power, orgasmic intensity, foreplay potential, etc.) to which we are graded from zero to 15? If so, how can we know our sexual ratings from all people we had sexual encounters from all our present and failed relationships?
I have had several sexual encounters from a lot of people of all age, race, class, color and creed. Most of them are superb, while some are mere enjoyable, and a few are just mediocre. In my terms, there are no such things as sexual rating scales, just if I’ve enjoyed it or not (and if my partner had enjoyed the same). If what I’ve experienced meets my expectations, well that’s just fabulous, but if it exceeded, honey, he’s a keeper.
I find it hard to believe that we still haven’t had intense sexual contact with my current significant other. We kissed a lot of times (torrid, in public, and even outside the confines of the face), had some tactile explorations once in a while (from the chest to the torso), and even had a good grasp of each other’s bodies and merchandises. We shared nights together, we slept in the same bed (twice already), and shared the quintessential human passion and intimacies in a lot of non-sexual ways. It’s not the fact that my relationship is motivated by my worldly desires, it’s just that I’ve been waiting for things to happen and I’m still somewhat searching for more. Its not that I’m insatiable. I’m just hard to please.
Yet somehow, I still feel this awesome contentment with where our relationship is going. What we lack in sexual passion, we compromise in intimacy and commitment. I guess I just have to live with the fact that I just can’t have everything I want. Every now and then, relationships involve compromises, you negotiate, and you just have to settle for a decent resolution.
On the latter, I got to thinking that I am happier at present with the reality that I am getting everything I need. Most of the time, people committed in a relationship fail to distinguish what they need from what they want. In my case, I want to have sex but what I really needed was human warmth and love. And in this set of circumstances, I can say that I have received (and currently enjoying) everything I needed. There’s a huge difference. I can live without the “sex” part but without my significant other’s love and understanding, we are reduced to being animals in a process of debauched mating. And I don’t want that to happen.
After my significant other proposed that we must carry on with our relationship (this time it will be a long-distance one), I opened the infinite possibilities of falling in love with somebody else. It’s not that I have commitment issues, I just can’t commit to a relationship with someone who is physically separated from me. Call me selfish, but I am just a person with needs. I did not completely rebutted his proposition nevertheless, I told him that I’m very much willing to give it a try. Why not? I am a man with nothing to lose but my sanity. And there’s always a first time for everything, right?
That’s the thing about love and relationships. Sometimes we are blinded by the superficial, by the obvious, by the observable. Yet it always looks as if things are not always what they seem. What we have to do is to dig deeper, look closer, and try to feel harder. It is in being sensitive that we become more aware of the realities involve in being in a relationship. On the past, I thought that our lack of sexual ardor is a liability but now I know that it is not. Some things are just more important than the others are. It is in looking for the essential that we learn to prioritize things better. It won’t matter if you’re gay or straight, it won’t matter if you’re good or bad in bed, it won’t matter if you need sex or not, because in the end, what matters is that you love. You love wholeheartedly and unconditionally. You love without expecting in return. And in the end, everything will follow.
PS. This Saturday (4th of June), I’ll be spending my final night with my boyfriend Marco. Please pray for things to happen in accord to my plan. I had told you I’m not selfish, I’m just a person with needs. I hope he needed that one too.
“Who we are in bed is who we are in life. Wake up, its 2000. The new millennium won’t be about sexual labels, it’ll be about sexual expression. It won’t matter if you’re sleeping with men or women. It’ll be about sleeping with individuals. Soon everyone will be pansexual. It won’t matter if you’re gay or straight, just if you’re good or bad in bed.”
Is Samantha right? Are we secretly being judged and scored by the people whom we had sexual relations with? A+, B-, C, Failed, incomplete, withdrew without permission? Are there standards similar to a Glasgow Coma Scale / APGAR / Baker-Wong Scale (penetrating power, orgasmic intensity, foreplay potential, etc.) to which we are graded from zero to 15? If so, how can we know our sexual ratings from all people we had sexual encounters from all our present and failed relationships?
I have had several sexual encounters from a lot of people of all age, race, class, color and creed. Most of them are superb, while some are mere enjoyable, and a few are just mediocre. In my terms, there are no such things as sexual rating scales, just if I’ve enjoyed it or not (and if my partner had enjoyed the same). If what I’ve experienced meets my expectations, well that’s just fabulous, but if it exceeded, honey, he’s a keeper.
I find it hard to believe that we still haven’t had intense sexual contact with my current significant other. We kissed a lot of times (torrid, in public, and even outside the confines of the face), had some tactile explorations once in a while (from the chest to the torso), and even had a good grasp of each other’s bodies and merchandises. We shared nights together, we slept in the same bed (twice already), and shared the quintessential human passion and intimacies in a lot of non-sexual ways. It’s not the fact that my relationship is motivated by my worldly desires, it’s just that I’ve been waiting for things to happen and I’m still somewhat searching for more. Its not that I’m insatiable. I’m just hard to please.
Yet somehow, I still feel this awesome contentment with where our relationship is going. What we lack in sexual passion, we compromise in intimacy and commitment. I guess I just have to live with the fact that I just can’t have everything I want. Every now and then, relationships involve compromises, you negotiate, and you just have to settle for a decent resolution.
On the latter, I got to thinking that I am happier at present with the reality that I am getting everything I need. Most of the time, people committed in a relationship fail to distinguish what they need from what they want. In my case, I want to have sex but what I really needed was human warmth and love. And in this set of circumstances, I can say that I have received (and currently enjoying) everything I needed. There’s a huge difference. I can live without the “sex” part but without my significant other’s love and understanding, we are reduced to being animals in a process of debauched mating. And I don’t want that to happen.
After my significant other proposed that we must carry on with our relationship (this time it will be a long-distance one), I opened the infinite possibilities of falling in love with somebody else. It’s not that I have commitment issues, I just can’t commit to a relationship with someone who is physically separated from me. Call me selfish, but I am just a person with needs. I did not completely rebutted his proposition nevertheless, I told him that I’m very much willing to give it a try. Why not? I am a man with nothing to lose but my sanity. And there’s always a first time for everything, right?
That’s the thing about love and relationships. Sometimes we are blinded by the superficial, by the obvious, by the observable. Yet it always looks as if things are not always what they seem. What we have to do is to dig deeper, look closer, and try to feel harder. It is in being sensitive that we become more aware of the realities involve in being in a relationship. On the past, I thought that our lack of sexual ardor is a liability but now I know that it is not. Some things are just more important than the others are. It is in looking for the essential that we learn to prioritize things better. It won’t matter if you’re gay or straight, it won’t matter if you’re good or bad in bed, it won’t matter if you need sex or not, because in the end, what matters is that you love. You love wholeheartedly and unconditionally. You love without expecting in return. And in the end, everything will follow.
PS. This Saturday (4th of June), I’ll be spending my final night with my boyfriend Marco. Please pray for things to happen in accord to my plan. I had told you I’m not selfish, I’m just a person with needs. I hope he needed that one too.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Of Age and Men
Of my three serious relationships, all three of them involve men which are comparably older than me. And of my (more-or-less) 15 sexual ones, approximately 80-90 % of them happened to men advanced my age. Considering the trends, why am I more attracted, lustful, engrossed, and (genuinely) happy with guys older than myself?
An old psychopath once said that the course of which one’s relationship veer from is interdependent on the needs and wants of the person and his subconscious desires, wanting and deficiencies. Moreover, in his theories, he stated that people subconsciously chooses their significant others (S.O.) based on their unmet psychiatric milestones and on how their S.O. can fulfill such needs.
In other terms, individuals looking for older people are indicative of lack of parental figure to which the person identifies him/herself, while individuals looking for younger partners are like an older brother/sister taking care of a younger sibling.
This is the reason why Freud, the psychopath, had been greatly critiqued by psychiatrists of his era, and present-day intellectuals (like me).
While his theories make distinct, strong points, Freud underestimated the power of human passion and reason which is unique in every person. In fact, the subjects he experimented in his studies involved mentally ill clients he extracted from asylums in central Europe. In addition, his experiments did not even involve people with sex/gender/identity issues (homosexuals, bisexuals, transgender and transvestites). His theories may somewhat suffice superficial inquiries of insignificant shrinks, but believe me, I am no fool to believe a heartless and preposterous scientist.
This chronicle is not a critique of Freud or any madman of science. I don’t abhor Sigmund. He is an intelligent fool, I believe. What I detest are people telling me that I am a psychiatric aberration, a mutated specie deviant from the standards of normalcy. For god’s sake, I am a human person capable of loving and being loved in return. I have emotions too. You have to respect that fact.
What I also loathe are people telling me that I choose people older than me because of my great need of a paternal figure. This is my answer; I have a strong knit family and my parents have molded me to become the best person that I could possibly be. I have exceptional mother- and father-figures. I do not need another father, I already have one, and he is JUST PERFECT. What I need is somebody who will love me wholeheartedly despite the age differences. Didn’t we all believe that in love, age doesn’t matter? Believe me, it does not.
Returning to the original question; why am I really attracted, lustful, engrossed, and happy with guys older than me? This is the answer; because when I really love someone, I love that person in his totality. I don’t take into account his age, appearance, state, condition or position in the social strata. They are immaterial, irrelevant, and of no importance. Only superficial people operate those stupidities in precision.
I had previous relationships with younger men too. They are just as substantial and significant as the relationships I had with older men. All relationships are significant believe me. No matter how trivial or colossal they might have been, they are to be treated with respect and importance. People tend to overlook on that part. Probably it is because they are deluded with the fact that their relationship is the “perfect” one, or it is because they are too afraid to commit into one that they spend their miserable lives critiquing others, or they are just pathetic and useless trash nobody would ever dare to love.
In all its essence, loving someone unconditionally is the ultimate test of humility. It is in loving that we completely let our guards down, and we accept our loved ones despite their flaws and imperfections. We look beyond the physical and we delve into the realms of the unknown. We close our eyes to each other’s differences and opens them later to reveal that you are not different after all, just unique and inimitable. It is the mystery of love—you do not study to learn, you just do.
P.S. I’d love to extend my heartfelt gratitude to my very good friends iko lai and demiguin for visiting. My sincerest apologies for all the grammatical errors, I don’t have someone to proofread my chronicles yet. Keep on loving folks. My earnest wishes are with you.
An old psychopath once said that the course of which one’s relationship veer from is interdependent on the needs and wants of the person and his subconscious desires, wanting and deficiencies. Moreover, in his theories, he stated that people subconsciously chooses their significant others (S.O.) based on their unmet psychiatric milestones and on how their S.O. can fulfill such needs.
In other terms, individuals looking for older people are indicative of lack of parental figure to which the person identifies him/herself, while individuals looking for younger partners are like an older brother/sister taking care of a younger sibling.
This is the reason why Freud, the psychopath, had been greatly critiqued by psychiatrists of his era, and present-day intellectuals (like me).
While his theories make distinct, strong points, Freud underestimated the power of human passion and reason which is unique in every person. In fact, the subjects he experimented in his studies involved mentally ill clients he extracted from asylums in central Europe. In addition, his experiments did not even involve people with sex/gender/identity issues (homosexuals, bisexuals, transgender and transvestites). His theories may somewhat suffice superficial inquiries of insignificant shrinks, but believe me, I am no fool to believe a heartless and preposterous scientist.
This chronicle is not a critique of Freud or any madman of science. I don’t abhor Sigmund. He is an intelligent fool, I believe. What I detest are people telling me that I am a psychiatric aberration, a mutated specie deviant from the standards of normalcy. For god’s sake, I am a human person capable of loving and being loved in return. I have emotions too. You have to respect that fact.
What I also loathe are people telling me that I choose people older than me because of my great need of a paternal figure. This is my answer; I have a strong knit family and my parents have molded me to become the best person that I could possibly be. I have exceptional mother- and father-figures. I do not need another father, I already have one, and he is JUST PERFECT. What I need is somebody who will love me wholeheartedly despite the age differences. Didn’t we all believe that in love, age doesn’t matter? Believe me, it does not.
Returning to the original question; why am I really attracted, lustful, engrossed, and happy with guys older than me? This is the answer; because when I really love someone, I love that person in his totality. I don’t take into account his age, appearance, state, condition or position in the social strata. They are immaterial, irrelevant, and of no importance. Only superficial people operate those stupidities in precision.
I had previous relationships with younger men too. They are just as substantial and significant as the relationships I had with older men. All relationships are significant believe me. No matter how trivial or colossal they might have been, they are to be treated with respect and importance. People tend to overlook on that part. Probably it is because they are deluded with the fact that their relationship is the “perfect” one, or it is because they are too afraid to commit into one that they spend their miserable lives critiquing others, or they are just pathetic and useless trash nobody would ever dare to love.
In all its essence, loving someone unconditionally is the ultimate test of humility. It is in loving that we completely let our guards down, and we accept our loved ones despite their flaws and imperfections. We look beyond the physical and we delve into the realms of the unknown. We close our eyes to each other’s differences and opens them later to reveal that you are not different after all, just unique and inimitable. It is the mystery of love—you do not study to learn, you just do.
P.S. I’d love to extend my heartfelt gratitude to my very good friends iko lai and demiguin for visiting. My sincerest apologies for all the grammatical errors, I don’t have someone to proofread my chronicles yet. Keep on loving folks. My earnest wishes are with you.
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