Darn.
I have never felt more fucked-up and confused since june last year.
My second entry this year will probably dwell on my relationships all filled with jerk and disarrays. I couldn’t even function perfectly with my present state of mind. Everything that’s running in my head are my frustrated and attempted takes on several relationships that are all beyond my contemptible comprehension, and I have never brought to full consummation despite my painstaking, tortuous attempts.
My ongoing relationship with my current significant other is nothing but plain complicated. All full of highs and lows my mind is filled with confusion and questions. We have been in this frigid courting stage for 4 months now and I still cannot decipher whether our relationship is going to the “friendship path” or the “happily ever after route.” Everyday I’m faced with the primordial questions: “Are we friends or lovers? What are we doing? What are we?” I feel so estranged with myself and I’m hating this vexing feeling. We go on dates, we feel comfortable in each other’s presence, we share our personal stories and sentiments, we go out in public, and yet I find it hard accepting the fact that our relationship is still undefined. In my mind I know that I love him, and I loved him from the start. Though my intentions had been misconstrued by some of my closest friends, still a lot of them know that my feelings are genuine and sincere. God knows it’s true.
I have said this line a long time ago… “I’m not selfish nor hard to please. I’m just a person with needs.” And I need this longing relationship to come into fruition. I’m done and tired with too much waiting. I’m a big man now. Tell me what your heart says. I can face the facts for God’s sakes. Tell me what you feel and I’ll be happy to go through mine. I’m too sick of too a many mixed signals. If you want to be with me, just tell me. Otherwise, let me bite my own bullet. I’m a self-professed masochist and I’m loving it.
.
.
.
But something happened in an instant. I met someone new. And darn I think I’ve already fallen in love with him. To make matters darn complicated, this new beloved of mine is my own professor. Period.
Have I mentioned that my so-called “significant other” is my ex-boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend?
And both of them doesn’t know a thing? (or do they? This is still debatable.)
And could things be worse: I’m somewhat interested in my ex-boyfriend’s fuck buddy who is in already in a relationship with my personal acquaintance?
I hate this f***ing feeling I’m starting to puke and convulse each and every time these thoughts come running through my crazy mind. I badly need some help.
Or psychiatric evaluation perhaps?
I’m graduating this March and my relationships with special people around me are as vague and as blurred as that of the prognosis of an HIV-positive patient with stage IV metastatic leukemia.
In summary, it’s damned.
And I feel I am too.
I know that if I let this vicious feeling dominate my sanity the place that is left for me will either be in a neurotic asylum or in a filthy dump. God forbids. I don’t want to lose my significant other. I have fought insurmountable odds just to know him personally, for him to notice me, for this relationship to happen. I’m not willing to waste my efforts. I deserve the fruits of my labor. I deserve something here. And I deserve nothing less.
This entry is just the tip of a very freezing iceberg in this glacial microcosm of my repressed emotions. And I know that some of my friends / co-bloggers / strangers / spectators will be more than willing to judge me. I’m judged upon by too many people in this lifetime. If hurtful judgments could cut, I’d be dead by now. But this is me. And though I hate myself sometimes, all I could do is pick the broken pieces of me so that I can present a façade to confront all of my real ghosts.
What I have learned? It is possible for a new love (or a new person) to ruin a long-existent fortress built on fragile foundations and breakable walls. A single blow can topple everything. What is left are crumbles of pains and regrets that will struck your heart like cactus thorns and daggers. Haunting you ‘till time immemorial.
And there
will always be
one thing
left unsaid:
Darn.
P.S. This entry will only be posted in a dew days and will be deleted thereafter. The people involved might read my chronicles and I’d be a dead man by then.
I couldn’t help but recall Janet’s lines: “How can I be strong I’ve asked myself time and time I’ve said that I’ll never fall in love with you again… Kinda’ late in the game and my heart is in your hands. Don’t you stand there and then tell me you love me then leave again… Cause I’m falling in love with you again.”
Monday, February 27, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
No Turning Back
“We’re a year older, but none the wiser,” uttered the sage in me. I have been meaning to post an entry on my life lessons for the bygone year, but it would be too late to do so, and perhaps, it would be too scanty to fill a paragraph or two. So instead, I have decided to make this post as short, but as substantial for the despicable me.
This, methinks, is my first genuine post of gratitude. I have decided that before I commence my yearlong ramblings of must-have-been’s and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s, I would like to take this precious opportunity for thanking all the people who have made the year that was 2005, a very meaningful one for me and my soul.
To my loving family, for always bringing out the best in me. I can’t imagine myself living the reality I’m living in without such wonderful souls who make me feel loved despite all my flaws and imperfections. To my friends who understand and respect me unconditionally no matter how flawed, unpredictable, and neurotic I am. Thanks for guiding me, encouraging me, challenging me, loving me, and accepting the real me. To my blog friends, for always listening to my rants and whimpers. For being with me in “spirit” and teaching me life lessons I will cherish every moment of my precious, little life. To my Significant Other, for inspiring me to be and to do the best that I can be. For pushing me to the limits my “height, might and soul” can reach. For making me realize that no matter how arid and miserable my life had become, I have a streak of light and hope in your presence. That our love is enough for us to survive.
(with a good friend, at medicine building, ust)
To all of the souls who have touched my life and made me a better man, I am forever indebted. My sincerest gratitude to each and every one of you.
Let’s start this year anew with rays of eternal hope, faith, and love in our hearts and souls. That we may realize, that in this life, there is no turning back. Cause in the end, only kindness matter. Till we meet again…
.
This, methinks, is my first genuine post of gratitude. I have decided that before I commence my yearlong ramblings of must-have-been’s and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s, I would like to take this precious opportunity for thanking all the people who have made the year that was 2005, a very meaningful one for me and my soul.
To my loving family, for always bringing out the best in me. I can’t imagine myself living the reality I’m living in without such wonderful souls who make me feel loved despite all my flaws and imperfections. To my friends who understand and respect me unconditionally no matter how flawed, unpredictable, and neurotic I am. Thanks for guiding me, encouraging me, challenging me, loving me, and accepting the real me. To my blog friends, for always listening to my rants and whimpers. For being with me in “spirit” and teaching me life lessons I will cherish every moment of my precious, little life. To my Significant Other, for inspiring me to be and to do the best that I can be. For pushing me to the limits my “height, might and soul” can reach. For making me realize that no matter how arid and miserable my life had become, I have a streak of light and hope in your presence. That our love is enough for us to survive.
(with a good friend, at medicine building, ust)
To all of the souls who have touched my life and made me a better man, I am forever indebted. My sincerest gratitude to each and every one of you.
Let’s start this year anew with rays of eternal hope, faith, and love in our hearts and souls. That we may realize, that in this life, there is no turning back. Cause in the end, only kindness matter. Till we meet again…
.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
On a clear day, you could see forever...
The second semester is up and running. I barely enjoyed the semestral break. Boy oh boy! Still got no time for myself (as usual), and it does suffice that I had this few stolen minutes to write this sorta’ entry.
Recently I was invited as a panel of reactor in a Bioethics seminar sponsored by the College. Public speaking isn’t my forte. I would have preferred prepared, written, planned speeches than spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment reactions about topics I knew nothing of. Having two (2) very distinguished speakers in the field of Medical Ethics and Clinical Psychology (as the main speakers), tens of Professors and Clinical Instructors who I adore and respect so much, hundreds of students and colleagues listening to my ranting, the Dean and the Assistant Dean of the College, with the presence of my hypercritical Religious Adviser—and with less than 5 minutes to integrate the 4-hour-long talk into forming coherent words and sentences—everything seems to be a blur, a cerebral frenzy, and an intellectual disarray.
To add to the insult, the topic of the seminar is one I abhor and detest. It’s not a nursing/medical breakthrough. Nor a clinical update. Not even a career path consultation. It’s something that is beyond my capability and powers as a person. Somewhat bioethical, yet purely exasperating…
The topic? “Love and Sexuality in a World of Diversity.”
It is a torture. No! Probably more of a personal attack.
The first speaker talks about the “Psychosexual Dimension of Human Personality.” Freudian associations and fixations is the gist. Issues of homosexuality, pornography, and sexual perversions are discussed as deviations from normalcy. The second speaker discussed “Dehumanizing Human Love and Sexuality” and focused on masturbation, homosexuality (again), fornication, same-sex marriages, and thousandloads of sexual stuffs all integrated in a talk that all I am hearing are the words “hell,” “abomination,” “abnormal,” “immoral,” and many others I can no longer recall and have no plans of doing so.
What in this world have I done to suffer all of these pains and tortures?
As if hearing all the judgments and prejudices aren’t hurtful enough, I am supposed to react constructively to this speech? What am I thinking when a good professor asked me to make a speech regarding this topic and accepted it after some serious deliberations? Saying something unconstructive about the topic will only mean one thing—personal DOOM (and to tell you, damnation is what my professors practice best).
Armed with my usual self-confidence, pink long-sleeves polo, periwinkle tie and charcoal trousers, I relayed my speech calmly, still with a lot of nerves, but not an idea out of place. Everything I said is within the limits of morality and decency. Though I mispronounced a word or two, the thought of my speech is fantastic. No, fantastic is an understatement. Fabulous and perfection are the words I prefer to use. Never in my life have I imagined speaking such words with grace and composure. Perhaps, the speech might have been instrumental in my self-expression as a human sexual person. Then suddenly, it’s not that bad at all.
The following is my truncated speech (taken from several resource off books, Web, citations, and speeches):
“The development of a healthy and mature understanding of sexuality is a necessary element to growth in wisdom and grace. Without a proper appreciation of sexuality individuals may be kept from healthy development of self and/or accepting the responsibility that goes along with the gift of sexuality. Sexuality serves the development of human persons by calling us to full openness of being, to a continued discovery and expression of each person’s unique self.
“Human sexuality is that way of being in, and relating to, the world as a person. A true integration of sexuality is a continuing process, as Mr. *** said, as its development starts from infancy and is a dynamic process up until our adulthood. Sexuality is a drive that permeates as well as influences every aspect of an individual’s life. In other words, sexuality is a dimension of a total person.
“It is vital to understand the tension between understanding Sexuality as Bad/Burden, and Sexuality as Good/Blessing. Sexuality can be destructive, abusive, exploitative and dehumanizing. It can also be creative, passionate, freeing, mutual, and loving. The truth of sexuality is that it has the potential to be a destructive power or a creative power. A progressing sense of sexual maturity ensues when an individual works towards developing a good healthy, realistic sense of self, while also realizing a good healthy realistic sense of others.
“Sexuality is a power which is relational, corresponding to our capacity to love. It reaches beyond self to another. As human beings to give and receive love, to feel love and to express love is innate in our nature. While pleasure may come easy, as Dra. **** said earlier through masturbation, fornication, and loveless sexual acts, there is an emotional aspect that many of us forget. Real love is more a matter of mutual giving than personal gratification. Love is a mysterious, complex and sometimes painful human emotion, where ecstasy comes through personal bonding more than physical stimulation. Future and present trends may well address various physical aspects of human relationships; but I doubt that it will satisfy the longings of our souls.
“Thank you and have a good day.”
The reaction of the audience is sort of a mixed bag. So does the professors (with a lot of blank stares with blunt affects, and some smiles and gestures of encouragement). I have expected this kind of feedback and I am not expecting anything more. To hell are the retorts. I stated my points, they are all mine, nothing more and nothing less, so bear with it.
But what is inspiring that afternoon are the commendations the main speakers told me. “You speak very well, it’s very good” and “What’s your name? I’m looking forward to talk to you soon personally” in verbatim. It was then that everything began to sink in my consciousness. I must be a good speaker, I told myself. And everything becomes lucid Like a clear day, I could well see forever.
What have I learn from the seminar? Just the same old, same old. I’d still prefer to be the stubborn, experimental person who I loved and adored inside-out. Still a person with a lot of dreams of finding my significant other who will stay and fight with my battles. Still a man with an imperfect mind and wishes, living in this world of immorality, inconsistency and flaws. A man who will love and feel. Still imperfect but striving to be pure and happy in this world of “sham, drudgery and broken dreams.” And a lover who would never settle for anything less.
Thank you and have a good day.
.
.
Addendum:
The affair was posted as an article from The Varsitarian (released November 25, 2005, page 3). Copies are available at the UST Varsitarian Office.
Recently I was invited as a panel of reactor in a Bioethics seminar sponsored by the College. Public speaking isn’t my forte. I would have preferred prepared, written, planned speeches than spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment reactions about topics I knew nothing of. Having two (2) very distinguished speakers in the field of Medical Ethics and Clinical Psychology (as the main speakers), tens of Professors and Clinical Instructors who I adore and respect so much, hundreds of students and colleagues listening to my ranting, the Dean and the Assistant Dean of the College, with the presence of my hypercritical Religious Adviser—and with less than 5 minutes to integrate the 4-hour-long talk into forming coherent words and sentences—everything seems to be a blur, a cerebral frenzy, and an intellectual disarray.
To add to the insult, the topic of the seminar is one I abhor and detest. It’s not a nursing/medical breakthrough. Nor a clinical update. Not even a career path consultation. It’s something that is beyond my capability and powers as a person. Somewhat bioethical, yet purely exasperating…
The topic? “Love and Sexuality in a World of Diversity.”
It is a torture. No! Probably more of a personal attack.
The first speaker talks about the “Psychosexual Dimension of Human Personality.” Freudian associations and fixations is the gist. Issues of homosexuality, pornography, and sexual perversions are discussed as deviations from normalcy. The second speaker discussed “Dehumanizing Human Love and Sexuality” and focused on masturbation, homosexuality (again), fornication, same-sex marriages, and thousandloads of sexual stuffs all integrated in a talk that all I am hearing are the words “hell,” “abomination,” “abnormal,” “immoral,” and many others I can no longer recall and have no plans of doing so.
What in this world have I done to suffer all of these pains and tortures?
As if hearing all the judgments and prejudices aren’t hurtful enough, I am supposed to react constructively to this speech? What am I thinking when a good professor asked me to make a speech regarding this topic and accepted it after some serious deliberations? Saying something unconstructive about the topic will only mean one thing—personal DOOM (and to tell you, damnation is what my professors practice best).
Armed with my usual self-confidence, pink long-sleeves polo, periwinkle tie and charcoal trousers, I relayed my speech calmly, still with a lot of nerves, but not an idea out of place. Everything I said is within the limits of morality and decency. Though I mispronounced a word or two, the thought of my speech is fantastic. No, fantastic is an understatement. Fabulous and perfection are the words I prefer to use. Never in my life have I imagined speaking such words with grace and composure. Perhaps, the speech might have been instrumental in my self-expression as a human sexual person. Then suddenly, it’s not that bad at all.
The following is my truncated speech (taken from several resource off books, Web, citations, and speeches):
“The development of a healthy and mature understanding of sexuality is a necessary element to growth in wisdom and grace. Without a proper appreciation of sexuality individuals may be kept from healthy development of self and/or accepting the responsibility that goes along with the gift of sexuality. Sexuality serves the development of human persons by calling us to full openness of being, to a continued discovery and expression of each person’s unique self.
“Human sexuality is that way of being in, and relating to, the world as a person. A true integration of sexuality is a continuing process, as Mr. *** said, as its development starts from infancy and is a dynamic process up until our adulthood. Sexuality is a drive that permeates as well as influences every aspect of an individual’s life. In other words, sexuality is a dimension of a total person.
“It is vital to understand the tension between understanding Sexuality as Bad/Burden, and Sexuality as Good/Blessing. Sexuality can be destructive, abusive, exploitative and dehumanizing. It can also be creative, passionate, freeing, mutual, and loving. The truth of sexuality is that it has the potential to be a destructive power or a creative power. A progressing sense of sexual maturity ensues when an individual works towards developing a good healthy, realistic sense of self, while also realizing a good healthy realistic sense of others.
“Sexuality is a power which is relational, corresponding to our capacity to love. It reaches beyond self to another. As human beings to give and receive love, to feel love and to express love is innate in our nature. While pleasure may come easy, as Dra. **** said earlier through masturbation, fornication, and loveless sexual acts, there is an emotional aspect that many of us forget. Real love is more a matter of mutual giving than personal gratification. Love is a mysterious, complex and sometimes painful human emotion, where ecstasy comes through personal bonding more than physical stimulation. Future and present trends may well address various physical aspects of human relationships; but I doubt that it will satisfy the longings of our souls.
“Thank you and have a good day.”
The reaction of the audience is sort of a mixed bag. So does the professors (with a lot of blank stares with blunt affects, and some smiles and gestures of encouragement). I have expected this kind of feedback and I am not expecting anything more. To hell are the retorts. I stated my points, they are all mine, nothing more and nothing less, so bear with it.
But what is inspiring that afternoon are the commendations the main speakers told me. “You speak very well, it’s very good” and “What’s your name? I’m looking forward to talk to you soon personally” in verbatim. It was then that everything began to sink in my consciousness. I must be a good speaker, I told myself. And everything becomes lucid Like a clear day, I could well see forever.
What have I learn from the seminar? Just the same old, same old. I’d still prefer to be the stubborn, experimental person who I loved and adored inside-out. Still a person with a lot of dreams of finding my significant other who will stay and fight with my battles. Still a man with an imperfect mind and wishes, living in this world of immorality, inconsistency and flaws. A man who will love and feel. Still imperfect but striving to be pure and happy in this world of “sham, drudgery and broken dreams.” And a lover who would never settle for anything less.
Thank you and have a good day.
.
.
Addendum:
The affair was posted as an article from The Varsitarian (released November 25, 2005, page 3). Copies are available at the UST Varsitarian Office.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Seeking Sense in Styx
When I told myself that I’m ready to move on, I meant it. I swallowed every consequence, accepted all the pains, and loved all the hurts, ‘till I can no longer feel. I’m left numb, but living; empty, nevertheless purposeless.
Then I woke, like from a long bewildered slumber, to find myself totally uninspired. I no longer glowed, there was no spark, even in my most trying hours. The sadness is palpable, its as if everything has come to a halt and devoured the vigor off me.
Up ‘till someone came along, who I earnestly hope, will bring me back to the heaven I so dearly longed.
There’s a catch though, and it’s way too complicated for this entry. Maybe if I have an entire day with me, I can share the dilemma with you and seek some of your expert advice.
But at present, I know my happiness is still a long long way away. All I can share is this piece of poetry I wrote. And this is dedicated to you, the Man who made me whole again.
.
.
To you, my Man, with these words are my heartfelt wishes for your happiness. You may not know me well, yet. And perhaps, it never will. But in my heart are hopes that in this single, passing life of ours, you can get to know me well, love me, and keep me in your heart even for awhile.
.
.
SENSE
Envelop me with your arms, be
My fortress standing proud.
Make me a servant, thou master please
Ask, I will command.
Next to thy mighty bed,
Undress me, unclasping hands
Eluded from this world
Let our soul and spirits rise.
Devout and pure, its only me and you…
Push ‘till I can no longer hold
All the love you have to give
Rosy filled with intense delight
Amidst the darkness of the night
Give me your soul, your self, your spirit
As I come to the climax in this allusive dark
Slid me your entirety, till I bleed till I moan.
Just you and me throughout the dawn
Restless with passion in this eternal slumber.
.
/rjmc & edp, jr. 15 sep '05
Then I woke, like from a long bewildered slumber, to find myself totally uninspired. I no longer glowed, there was no spark, even in my most trying hours. The sadness is palpable, its as if everything has come to a halt and devoured the vigor off me.
Up ‘till someone came along, who I earnestly hope, will bring me back to the heaven I so dearly longed.
There’s a catch though, and it’s way too complicated for this entry. Maybe if I have an entire day with me, I can share the dilemma with you and seek some of your expert advice.
But at present, I know my happiness is still a long long way away. All I can share is this piece of poetry I wrote. And this is dedicated to you, the Man who made me whole again.
.
.
To you, my Man, with these words are my heartfelt wishes for your happiness. You may not know me well, yet. And perhaps, it never will. But in my heart are hopes that in this single, passing life of ours, you can get to know me well, love me, and keep me in your heart even for awhile.
.
.
SENSE
Envelop me with your arms, be
My fortress standing proud.
Make me a servant, thou master please
Ask, I will command.
Next to thy mighty bed,
Undress me, unclasping hands
Eluded from this world
Let our soul and spirits rise.
Devout and pure, its only me and you…
Push ‘till I can no longer hold
All the love you have to give
Rosy filled with intense delight
Amidst the darkness of the night
Give me your soul, your self, your spirit
As I come to the climax in this allusive dark
Slid me your entirety, till I bleed till I moan.
Just you and me throughout the dawn
Restless with passion in this eternal slumber.
.
/rjmc & edp, jr. 15 sep '05
Monday, August 01, 2005
A New Beginning
After weeks of grueling tasks of hospital rounds, nursing lecture classes, doing undergrad research thesis, and preparing for the feared periodic and oral examinations, complicated by a gross self-disorientation and an inevitable emotional disarray and breakdown, last Friday’s all night out provided a breather, or at least a buffer, to my neurotic borderline life.
With my self-proclaimed dissuasion to engage in any intimate personal contact with complete strangers of all sort, I avoided at most any circumstance that might expose myself to the world. I eschewed all the invitations from my closest acquaintances, from coffee breaks to flirting with men. I kept my exposure to the minimum. My life evolved from hospitals, to my college, and to my house, and occasionally, to this local bar (1611) where I spend my weekends with some close friends.
When my good girl friend asked my affirmation to come to her “breather party,” I vehemently refused without any consideration for my part. It’s not that I hate socializing with people; it’s just that I have no motivation or enthusiasm to come. Added to the fact that my parents might not approve of it, particularly my mom who has the incessant enjoyment of deliberately calling my friends just to know my whereabouts. But as the day of implementation approaches, I developed the gusto to come, and eventually to leave my hermetic life and spend some quality time with the living.
Admittedly, Makati is not my crowd; I would’ve enjoyed things better if we were in Malate or at Government in particular. Greenbelt used to be that same old, same old place where eternal chitchatting and meeting artificial ostentatious people abounds like cocktails in a bar. Conversely, GB has changed since my last visit quite a few months ago. It had become a totally novel place, an alcove where candor and realism is possible, where people are breathing more or less in an honest space, in a place of sheer lucidity amidst the mist hazy with smoke of uncertainty.
I was able to meet new friends in the bar we went into (Temple). Never in my mind have I thought of myself as attractive, or likable at least, but as some men approach me and stayed with me even for a little while, I developed a positive self-regard. It’s as if I felt accepted even for some little borrowed time. A precious little stretch of time where it almost feels like it had been forever.
Then it dawned on me, I miss the feeling of being appreciated and liked, things I lacked when I broke up with my significant other. Even for such little time, I was fulfilled of that need. And it felt good. And it even took a stranger I knew nothing of to enlighten me of my lacking.
All this time, this is what I failed to notice—that I can find affirmation and hope even in the most insignificant, trivial places. There is optimism behind the blinding lights of the darkest bars. Hope flourishes even in the most desolate, barren alleys. There is truthfulness amidst the crowd teeming with people wearing masks and façades. Because as always, it is what in the inside that matters. And what is outside is not always what it seems.
As we went home, I was left contemplating with what might have happened if I didn’t come. Perhaps the party might not be as happy as it was, or it might have ended in an earlier time. Yet in my mind, I felt extremely grateful to the wonderful souls who made me believe that life is still beautiful. There is still more to life than all the bitterness and lies. That behind the darkness and hopelessness lays a streak of light radiating its luminous resplendence predestined to envelop the gloom.
Maybe it’s the spark of optimism or it’s my conscious effort that I have willingly decided to just let go. All this time, I was shrouded with the pains and regrets of my failed relationship with Marco, but through the help of my loved ones, I was able to emerge from my self-created pit of loneliness and despair. I am now moving on. And I have let go completely. And what is left in my heart is the eternal hope and faith that somehow in this crazy twist of fate, I will find the predestined someone who will share with the journey of my life. A journey towards eternal love and happiness, starting with me, towards a new beginning.
With my self-proclaimed dissuasion to engage in any intimate personal contact with complete strangers of all sort, I avoided at most any circumstance that might expose myself to the world. I eschewed all the invitations from my closest acquaintances, from coffee breaks to flirting with men. I kept my exposure to the minimum. My life evolved from hospitals, to my college, and to my house, and occasionally, to this local bar (1611) where I spend my weekends with some close friends.
When my good girl friend asked my affirmation to come to her “breather party,” I vehemently refused without any consideration for my part. It’s not that I hate socializing with people; it’s just that I have no motivation or enthusiasm to come. Added to the fact that my parents might not approve of it, particularly my mom who has the incessant enjoyment of deliberately calling my friends just to know my whereabouts. But as the day of implementation approaches, I developed the gusto to come, and eventually to leave my hermetic life and spend some quality time with the living.
Admittedly, Makati is not my crowd; I would’ve enjoyed things better if we were in Malate or at Government in particular. Greenbelt used to be that same old, same old place where eternal chitchatting and meeting artificial ostentatious people abounds like cocktails in a bar. Conversely, GB has changed since my last visit quite a few months ago. It had become a totally novel place, an alcove where candor and realism is possible, where people are breathing more or less in an honest space, in a place of sheer lucidity amidst the mist hazy with smoke of uncertainty.
I was able to meet new friends in the bar we went into (Temple). Never in my mind have I thought of myself as attractive, or likable at least, but as some men approach me and stayed with me even for a little while, I developed a positive self-regard. It’s as if I felt accepted even for some little borrowed time. A precious little stretch of time where it almost feels like it had been forever.
Then it dawned on me, I miss the feeling of being appreciated and liked, things I lacked when I broke up with my significant other. Even for such little time, I was fulfilled of that need. And it felt good. And it even took a stranger I knew nothing of to enlighten me of my lacking.
All this time, this is what I failed to notice—that I can find affirmation and hope even in the most insignificant, trivial places. There is optimism behind the blinding lights of the darkest bars. Hope flourishes even in the most desolate, barren alleys. There is truthfulness amidst the crowd teeming with people wearing masks and façades. Because as always, it is what in the inside that matters. And what is outside is not always what it seems.
As we went home, I was left contemplating with what might have happened if I didn’t come. Perhaps the party might not be as happy as it was, or it might have ended in an earlier time. Yet in my mind, I felt extremely grateful to the wonderful souls who made me believe that life is still beautiful. There is still more to life than all the bitterness and lies. That behind the darkness and hopelessness lays a streak of light radiating its luminous resplendence predestined to envelop the gloom.
Maybe it’s the spark of optimism or it’s my conscious effort that I have willingly decided to just let go. All this time, I was shrouded with the pains and regrets of my failed relationship with Marco, but through the help of my loved ones, I was able to emerge from my self-created pit of loneliness and despair. I am now moving on. And I have let go completely. And what is left in my heart is the eternal hope and faith that somehow in this crazy twist of fate, I will find the predestined someone who will share with the journey of my life. A journey towards eternal love and happiness, starting with me, towards a new beginning.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
The End of an Era.
Once upon a time, there was a young man who believed that true love would come his way. He waited for the Right One to come only to get disappointed and frustrated in the end. He gambled everything he had just to find his true happiness, only to have his heart get wounded in the way. All the optimism faded into dust. He grew restless and desperate, lonely and forgotten.
He is losing hope. But the desperation turned into delight when he finally met the man of his dreams. He is perfect, perhaps, too good to be true. In his mind, he believed that a flawless person like him would never love an insignificant person like himself. But he was wrong. The more he fell in love with him. Notwithstanding the risk of getting hurt again, he decided to entrust his heart to this wonderful man.
They lived a perfect life. They shared a love that is all consuming, all compelling, unconditional, a needy kind of love. He told himself, “I don’t know if it will last but for now, he makes me feel like I can do anything I ever dreamed.” Their love is palpable, strong and unfaltering. But never in their minds they knew that the end is yet to come.
Then suddenly, his lover left him. He was shattered into gazillion pieces. He knew he could never be whole again. Not for now, and perhaps, it never will.
But he didn’t close his heart. He kept it wide open. Eagerly anticipating for the moment their love will lead him back again.
Now he was astray, lost, forgotten. Mending a life that is entirely full of holes. Will he finally get to savor his much-deserved happiness?
The story is mine to finish.
He is losing hope. But the desperation turned into delight when he finally met the man of his dreams. He is perfect, perhaps, too good to be true. In his mind, he believed that a flawless person like him would never love an insignificant person like himself. But he was wrong. The more he fell in love with him. Notwithstanding the risk of getting hurt again, he decided to entrust his heart to this wonderful man.
They lived a perfect life. They shared a love that is all consuming, all compelling, unconditional, a needy kind of love. He told himself, “I don’t know if it will last but for now, he makes me feel like I can do anything I ever dreamed.” Their love is palpable, strong and unfaltering. But never in their minds they knew that the end is yet to come.
Then suddenly, his lover left him. He was shattered into gazillion pieces. He knew he could never be whole again. Not for now, and perhaps, it never will.
But he didn’t close his heart. He kept it wide open. Eagerly anticipating for the moment their love will lead him back again.
Now he was astray, lost, forgotten. Mending a life that is entirely full of holes. Will he finally get to savor his much-deserved happiness?
The story is mine to finish.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
The Chronicles of Love
The following letters are my personal correspondence to my three special friends whose comments appear on the previously posted article "The Unwanted Ghosts of my Unforgotten Past."
to ree.
.
.
when i learned the fact that we both have our significant others abroad and we are fighting to keep our relationships strong, i couldn't help but feel elated with the knowledge that someone in this universe shares with my sentiments and empathizes with me sincerely and genuinely (like you do).
at first i though that my bf (in NY) is my great true love but im finding it hard sustaining a relationship with someone i am not physically together with. its as if im missing his presence—the intimacy, the passion, the oneness, the security it brings, im not quite sure. but his very presence reminds me of his pure and unconditional love. like your bf, he had remained sincere and loyal to me and to our relationship. we still communicate substantially and we have remained faithful to one another. i guess its because we are both willing to fight for our relationship that we decided to make sacrifices and to hang and hold on. and like you, distance isn’t even a question.
im very happy with where your relationship is going. i hope that through our consensual efforts, we can be like you—strong, steadfast, dedicated. marco is strong and i know that we will make it as long as our love is able.
and as i always say, i will wait for him forever… as the sun stood still.
.
to hashi.
.
.
Thanks my dear friend visiting my precious little site. =)
I personally commend you my friend for the 11 months you wholeheartedly spent with your LD-significant other. In all fairness, that was long compared to my month-long ramblings and whimpering on whether I should pursue my relationship with Marco or not. In all honesty, I have no problems with LD relationships, and as I have said in my chronicles, I am very much willing to give it a try. But the thing I fear most is the lack of reassurance. Its not that I worry whether he will stay loyal with me, or I to him, it’s the outcome that I fear of. I’m afraid of the unknown, of the future, or where our relationship is heading. It’s just complicated… and fearful in my part.
I don’t want to simply end the relationship I nurtured and cultivated from the very beginning. I really, really love my Marco. And I am willing to sacrifice more. It’s hard for me living a life that is away from him physically. He had showered me with so much love when he was still here, and I became dependent on that love and belongingness. As Maslow said, I couldn’t have reached my full potential without him fulfilling my love, security, safety and belongingness needs. He had became a part of my life. And as crazy as it may sound, I felt extremely estranged even with myself with his leaving.
I hope I can be whole again. I’m fighting hashi. I’m still fighting.
.
to bernadette.
.
.
Thanks Bernadette. I feel happy with the fact that you are always present to support me and love me and empathize with me no matter how unpredictable, crazy, and messy my life have become. =)
I couldn’t help but agree with you my friend. It’s my first long-distance relationship ever that’s why I’m apprehensive and worried and afraid of everything that comes along with it. When I think of the many people who are looking for love, I couldn’t help but feel more happy and contented with my (past and present) relationship with Marco. And when I feel lonely and alone, a simple though of him or a short conversation with him is like a balm to the hurt. And suddenly it’s not that bad at all.
In love, there has to be sacrifices we have to endure. His leaving had become the hardest one yet, so is maintaining this LD relationship. I have psychologically prepared myself for this kind of test, and my mind had conditioned my heart to feel ready and primed for this emotional ride. But I was wrong. The more I became weak and unprepared. When he left, I was shattered into pieces. Only Marco can make me complete and whole again. But his leaving never broke my spirit. And it is telling me to fight for this relationship as long as my mind and heart can.
At present, I don’t have any plans of going to NY to be with him yet. Only time can tell. And fate. But I’m not altogether hopeless and forlorn. I have all the love in the world to give. And that belongs to my TRUE SIGNIFICANT OTHER in New York.
PS. Thanks for the unending support. Your words of advice had fueled my life with the precious warmth I needed to survive. I am very much indebted. I am indebted.
to ree.
.
.
when i learned the fact that we both have our significant others abroad and we are fighting to keep our relationships strong, i couldn't help but feel elated with the knowledge that someone in this universe shares with my sentiments and empathizes with me sincerely and genuinely (like you do).
at first i though that my bf (in NY) is my great true love but im finding it hard sustaining a relationship with someone i am not physically together with. its as if im missing his presence—the intimacy, the passion, the oneness, the security it brings, im not quite sure. but his very presence reminds me of his pure and unconditional love. like your bf, he had remained sincere and loyal to me and to our relationship. we still communicate substantially and we have remained faithful to one another. i guess its because we are both willing to fight for our relationship that we decided to make sacrifices and to hang and hold on. and like you, distance isn’t even a question.
im very happy with where your relationship is going. i hope that through our consensual efforts, we can be like you—strong, steadfast, dedicated. marco is strong and i know that we will make it as long as our love is able.
and as i always say, i will wait for him forever… as the sun stood still.
.
to hashi.
.
.
Thanks my dear friend visiting my precious little site. =)
I personally commend you my friend for the 11 months you wholeheartedly spent with your LD-significant other. In all fairness, that was long compared to my month-long ramblings and whimpering on whether I should pursue my relationship with Marco or not. In all honesty, I have no problems with LD relationships, and as I have said in my chronicles, I am very much willing to give it a try. But the thing I fear most is the lack of reassurance. Its not that I worry whether he will stay loyal with me, or I to him, it’s the outcome that I fear of. I’m afraid of the unknown, of the future, or where our relationship is heading. It’s just complicated… and fearful in my part.
I don’t want to simply end the relationship I nurtured and cultivated from the very beginning. I really, really love my Marco. And I am willing to sacrifice more. It’s hard for me living a life that is away from him physically. He had showered me with so much love when he was still here, and I became dependent on that love and belongingness. As Maslow said, I couldn’t have reached my full potential without him fulfilling my love, security, safety and belongingness needs. He had became a part of my life. And as crazy as it may sound, I felt extremely estranged even with myself with his leaving.
I hope I can be whole again. I’m fighting hashi. I’m still fighting.
.
to bernadette.
.
.
Thanks Bernadette. I feel happy with the fact that you are always present to support me and love me and empathize with me no matter how unpredictable, crazy, and messy my life have become. =)
I couldn’t help but agree with you my friend. It’s my first long-distance relationship ever that’s why I’m apprehensive and worried and afraid of everything that comes along with it. When I think of the many people who are looking for love, I couldn’t help but feel more happy and contented with my (past and present) relationship with Marco. And when I feel lonely and alone, a simple though of him or a short conversation with him is like a balm to the hurt. And suddenly it’s not that bad at all.
In love, there has to be sacrifices we have to endure. His leaving had become the hardest one yet, so is maintaining this LD relationship. I have psychologically prepared myself for this kind of test, and my mind had conditioned my heart to feel ready and primed for this emotional ride. But I was wrong. The more I became weak and unprepared. When he left, I was shattered into pieces. Only Marco can make me complete and whole again. But his leaving never broke my spirit. And it is telling me to fight for this relationship as long as my mind and heart can.
At present, I don’t have any plans of going to NY to be with him yet. Only time can tell. And fate. But I’m not altogether hopeless and forlorn. I have all the love in the world to give. And that belongs to my TRUE SIGNIFICANT OTHER in New York.
PS. Thanks for the unending support. Your words of advice had fueled my life with the precious warmth I needed to survive. I am very much indebted. I am indebted.
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