Friday, June 17, 2005

The Unwanted Ghosts of my Unforgotten Past

The beginning of the rainy season brings to mind many a vivid memories of my past, including those that are consciously forgotten and those that are subconsciously repressed. I have adored the rain for its great power of cleansing and healing all the physical and emotional scars that bear witness to my failures as a person and as a lover. The changing of the seasons signifies the indefatigable cycle of life, growth, development and metamorphosis — with the inevitable fact that it is certain and unavoidable. It is a test of humility, acceptance and endurance—and it is up to us to discover that it is in change that we realize our fuller potentials as individuals.

It had been days since my boyfriend Marco had left me. Though we did not necessarily lost contact with each other, he had called me a couple of times (on our 7th monthsary and at my 19th birthday [NY time]); and for me the simple reassuring words of “I Love You,” and “Let’s Fight for this Relationship,” is like a balm to the hurt.

I opened up with my closest friends. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in this relationship I tend on keeping. I’m even more proud of myself with the fact that I was able to gather more strength to fuel the warmth of our relationship.

Some of my friends have said to forget about it. Few of them said to fight for it. Most people are against long distance relationships and I wonder about that. This is a first experience for me that's why I’m all optimistic about it. But I believe that relationships are valuable, are hard to find, so when and if you find the one that seems perfect for you why not pursue it. Get through the obstacles cause in the end its the relationship that's going to make you happy and everything else wouldn't matter.

There are some sacrifices/compromises that can be made to make it work; it just depends on the strength of the relationship. And I’m very much willing to make one.

One of my close friends texted me and asked me about the complexity our relationship is experiencing. I told her that we are in an “Open-Dating” set-up—meaning, we can date new men as long as we like, on the condition that we must inform each other of our personal decisions. It is typical of some homosexual relationships—more on like “I’ve found a new lover, kindly let go of me”-type and “Be happy for me and thanks for the love”-type. My friend couldn’t help but feel more and more confused. We started a text debacle and ended up with her advice of:

“Let go of him R***. It only means to say that there’s someone better waiting for you =). I’ll always be praying for your happiness.”

I’m left with the ambivalent feeling of relief and confusion. Is she right? Is it much better for me to move on and let go of him? Or should I fight for this relationship with all of my strength?

I’m left with a thousand puzzling questions unanswerable even by the most intelligent man on this planet.

One thing I just learned, I longed for my much-needed closure with my significant other.

But another thing I just learned, closure isn't something that you're always given...

A friend suggested that I should disregard and burn all the things that remind me of him. But I know it isn’t possible. Marco’s presence is everywhere in my life… He is in the watch I wear everyday in school. He is in my clothes that I wore during our dates and rendezvous. He is in the scent of the perfume that we bought together. He is in my mind, my thoughts, and my consciousness. How could I possible let go of someone who have fueled my life and made meaning to my existence?

Then I had a thought, he is a part of my life and will forever be. But had he become the ghost that I feared and dreaded when he left me here alone?

A sage once said that we must confront our own ghost, acknowledge its presence, then release it. In my life, I am definitely haunted by the ghosts of my relationships past. Old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone I had unresolved issues with I am bound to run into again and again until I fully resolve them. My relationship with Marco was dead for quite some time but as I go on with my personal life, he had inevitably become a presence in my life for good. And he had been there all along. Like the scent, the gifts, the memories I could never bring myself to forgot.

“When a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost? Or are we forever haunted by the spirits of the relationship past?”

Just last week, I accidentally bumped into my ex-boyfriend in a mall at Makati. He confronted me and told me harsh, hurtful words that struck my heart like daggers. His messages reverberate indifference and coldness but his actions told otherwise.

Though I’ve become hurt and wounded when our relationship failed, I can feel that he was still suffering from the pains he incurred when our relationship died. His anger and disappointment is palpable. I can feel that he’s still fighting to hold on to me as long as his capacities can. My mind told me to forget everything about him, but my heart is telling me to give him another chance. We didn’t have a proper break-up. The hurtful messages are unintentional, I believe. I had forgiven him. And he had forgiven me too.

I can’t understand myself. My heart tells me to fight for my relationship with Marco but the sudden presence of my ex-BFs suggests my heart to have some serious considerations. I’m back to the ride in my emotional rollercoaster again. The messages my ex-BF is sending me at present shook my heart for reconsideration, but can I wholeheartedly let go of the man who makes my heart beat anyway?
I had confronted my ghost. I had accepted and released him. But now I was more haunted than ever. Because what I felt all along was no ghost… it was real.


Mel said...

Wala ako masabi. Makulay ang life mo. Pero kahit sino pa ang maging laman ng heart mo, todo suporta ako sayo. I want you to be happy. We all deserve it. Love you friend. :-)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

hi mel thought's on passing! i so so love you.

i wanted to give both of them a chance sana pero i realize na i can't have everything i want. and in one way or the other, i might hurt their feelings if i pursued my selfish and egotistic notion.

so i opted for the best available option. sabi nga sa rule in chemistry, "ALL or NONE."

i needed closure. though the special persons in my life havent gave me one, im willing to let go of them na. no bitterness, no ill-feelings, only precious wishes for their safety and happiness.

and perhaps, it is in letting them go that i will truly find my much needed happiness...

Ree said...

ive been with my bf for some time now... and though were several thousands of miles away i never ceased to love him... not a day that passes that i dont miss him that is why to this day i remain faithful and ridiculous as it may seem i wont ever find another like him... what can i say he's the love of my life and i wont ever try to break that promise...

we still communicate as much as possible... i know he's very busy and loyal to me (he's str8-ish) doenst like the "gay-scene" and i just adore his ugali... ill be joining him soon..

ikaw kung tingin mo mahal mo sya dont let go try mo ipaglaban if it doesnt work out then at least you tried.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

hi ree! thanks for visiting. =)

when i learned the fact that we both have our significant others abroad and we are fighting to keep our relationships strong, i couldn't help but feel elated with the knowledge that someone in this universe shares with my sentiments and empathizes with me sincerely and genuinely (like you do).

at first i though that my bf (in NY) is my great true love but im finding it hard sustaining a relationship with someone i am not physically together with. its as if im missing his presence—the intimacy, the passion, the oneness, the security it brings, im not quite sure. but his very presence reminds me of his pure and unconditional love. like your bf, he had remained sincere and loyal to me and to our relationship. we still communicate substantially and we have remained faithful to one another. i guess its because we are both willing to fight for our relationship that we decided to make sacrifices and to hang and hold on. and like you, distance isn’t even a question.

im very happy with where your relationship is going. i hope that through our consensual efforts, we can be like you—strong, steadfast, dedicated. marco is strong and i know that we will make it as long as our love is able.

and as i always say, i will wait for him forever… as the sun stood still.

thanks ree. i really appreciate your sincerest concern and sympathy. you are special!

hashi said...

hello ruff..! hmm...i have been in a long distance relationship not too long ago..alam ko kung gano kahirap magmaintain ng isang di lalo na pag malayo kayo sa isa't isa di ba..? sabi nila, pag mahal mo daw ang isang tao, you can overcome anything and conquers all, sabi nga..
i lasted 11 months and 3 weeks in that could beat that..if you have the strength to hold on to it..maraming mgiging sacrifices...pero kung mahal mo sha, it's worth it di ba..? naniniwala kasi ako na love is the most wonderful feeling, kaya kung may mahal ka..GO..! may mawawala ba sayo if ever you pursue your relationship with marco..? ang akin lang, give it a shot...malay mo, you are meant to be with each other..if not..(knock on wood..hehehe) at least, you gave it a try di ba...? basta remember na andito kaming mga frends mo okei,,? i, for one will support you ALL the way...!! hehehehe.. muah..!


On long distance relationships:

well, i totally agree, when you have love you can get through evertyhing, theres sacrifices, compromises etc. etc. and even a long distance relationship would not matter. For me, i think, if you've been together long na,it would even make your relationship stronger, that can actually be a test of your commitment or love to each other.

on the (ghosts) ex-bfs:

well, i just learned a very valuable lesson just recently (if you know what I mean) that sometimes, yes, when there's no closure, there's still the same old feeling that will suddenly surge up from the pits of your subconcious. however, when you come to think of it, there shouldn't be any, since it's been long forgotten. what is lacking, is yes, closure. Its just a LID to put on that pit not actually to eradicate everything in it but just to keep in a safe place and you can always open it anytime and feel the emotions you kept.

unless there's closure, the ghost will keep on haunting us forever and ever amen.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks hashi for visiting my precious little site. =)

I personally commend you my friend for the 11 months you wholeheartedly spent with your LD-significant other. In all fairness, that was long compared to my month-long ramblings and whimpering on whether I should pursue my relationship with Marco or not. In all honesty, I have no problems with LD relationships, and as I have said in my chronicles, I am very much willing to give it a try. But the thing I fear most is the lack of reassurance. Its not that I worry whether he will stay loyal with me, or I to him, it’s the outcome that I fear of. I’m afraid of the unknown, of the future, or where our relationship is heading. It’s just complicated… and fearful in my part.

I don’t want to simply end the relationship I nurtured and cultivated from the very beginning. I really, really love my Marco. And I am willing to sacrifice more. It’s hard for me living a life that is away from him physically. He had showered me with so much love when he was still here, and I became dependent on that love and belongingness. As Maslow said, I couldn’t have reached my full potential without him fulfilling my love, security, safety and belongingness needs. He had became a part of my life. And as crazy as it may sound, I felt extremely estranged even with myself with his leaving.

I hope I can be whole again. I’m fighting hashi. I’m still fighting.

Thanks hashi for the sympathy. I appreciate all the support.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks Bernadette. I feel happy with the fact that you are always present to support me and love me and empathize with me no matter how unpredictable, crazy, and messy my life have become. =)

I couldn’t help but agree with you my friend. It’s my first long-distance relationship ever that’s why I’m apprehensive and worried and afraid of everything that comes along with it. When I think of the many people who are looking for love, I couldn’t help but feel more happy and contented with my (past and present) relationship with Marco. And when I feel lonely and alone, a simple though of him or a short conversation with him is like a balm to the hurt. And suddenly it’s not that bad at all.

In love, there has to be sacrifices we have to endure. His leaving had become the hardest one yet, so is maintaining this LD relationship. I have psychologically prepared myself for this kind of test, and my mind had conditioned my heart to feel ready and primed for this emotional ride. But I was wrong. The more I became weak and unprepared. When he left, I was shattered into pieces. Only Marco can make me complete and whole again. But his leaving never broke my spirit. And it is telling me to fight for this relationship as long as my mind and heart can.

At present, I don’t have any plans of going to NY to be with him yet. Only time can tell. And fate. But I’m not altogether hopeless and forlorn. I have all the love in the world to give. And that belongs to my TRUE SIGNIFICANT OTHER in New York.

My sincerest gratitude Bernadette. Keep on lovin’! =)

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