Monday, January 21, 2008

You Think You're A Man

Brian: We're queer. We don't need marriage. We don't need the sanction of dickless politicians and pederast priests. We fuck who we want to, when we want to. That is our God-given right.

Michael: But it is also our God-given right to have everything that straight people have. Because we're every bit as much human as they are.

As a cynic, I have always believed that nothing lasts forever. And that includes human relationships. Eventually, in one way or the other, everything is doomed to fail. Everything will perish. Everything will end.

But that’s just me.


Like Mandaya and Kiks, I have to confess that I’m in a serious relationship right now…

With my work, that is.

Oftentimes I’m asked as to why I’m not in a commitment right now. Now that I’m earning my own salary, paying for my own finances, and am surreptitiously in an opportune time to mind my own career aside from the one I have at patients’ bedsides. Every time I encounter that annoying question, I always have one straight and sweet answer:

“Work is my priority as of the moment.”

Work has always been my guilt-free pass for almost everything. Missed social rendezvous? Because of work. Going to the gym? Sorry, I have work. My 8-hour-sleep-minimum? Got to wake up early due to work. No boyfriend right now? Too busy with work.

But this post’ve got nothing to do with work. Rather, it is about relationships.

It is a known fact that I’ve been to too many one in my past, and for being burned *that many times, I’m blissfully and eternally grateful that I am still alive. It, however, theoretically didn’t and won’t stop me from pursuing one, because as a human being, I do have that innate need to love and be loved.

I want someone who will truly understand me and the person underneath me. I need someone who will accept the real me and will unconditionally love me despite my weaknesses and flaws. I long for someone who will take care of me, who will share with my joys and pains, and of course, who will do me every time I got the occasional itch.

Just kidding.

My last three (failed) relationships taught me three important things in life: 1) long distance relationships are doomed to fail eventually: 2) honesty is still the best policy even in relationships: and 3) learn to love yourself first.

Those mistakes, however, practically hindered me from venturing out into the woods again. Because I’m still here in this freaking cold, forsaken crossroad, searching and looking which way affords the easy relief.

By now it should appear to everyone that I really don’t what the hell I’m talking about.

So let me go back to my previous postulate, that, everything is doomed to fail.

But then, there’s that something that breaks away from the mold. Something far from ordinary. Something that’ll stand out among the rest.

And that thing is your relationship with yourself.

For as long as you know that you are at peace with yourself, no man, no shit, no dickless homophobes, and no bitter ex-lovers would deter you from being the best person that you could ever be.

And that is what man to man relationship essentially means.


Monday, January 07, 2008

One Moment In Time

Finally the Christmas and New Year hype is over.

That, probably, is the understatement of the year as I celebrated both overly momentous occasions within the confines of the Intensive Care Unit.

In fact, I’m just starting with my Holiday shopping, starting with buying some presents for myself, a few more for my very few loved ones, and a bit some for my even fewer godchildren.

In fact I couldn’t even imagine how my almost nonexistent paycheck could extend, morph or warp into something that could afford me this, this, or this.

On the other hand, working in a hospital gives you that guilt-free pass for not showing up with your pesky albeit cute godchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. or whoever believes that the gift-giving Christmas tradition must be impeccably honored.


The year that was reminds me so much of several things:

1. That if Britney would die and reincarnate, the reincarnation would be me;
2. That I was making small steps in my way of making my dreams come true;
3. That spending time with a loved one is exhilarating, but surviving alone through those cold, lifeless nights is more fulfilling, and;
4. That despite how much fulfilled we think we are, there, inevitably, will be some regrets that will haunt us forever.

For instance:

I was that Whitney.

But eventually I am going to marry my own Bobby Brown, waste my money buying crack cocaine, and spend my days watching my own personal videos in youtube, or xtube, or wherever.

So for this year, I only have one personal wish.
That I will live my life without regrets. I will be ruthless and unforgiving. I will be bold, and brazen, and remorseless. I will never ask for anyone’s approval. I will live my life the way I feel. And for this year, I will be the best me.
And I’m starting it now.

Happy New Year everyone!