Monday, December 25, 2006

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

I woke up last Saturday with a huuuuggge sigh of relief. I made it 2 weeks into my new job and I just love it. It feels as if I have accomplished something so huge and I couldn’t feel any more prouder of myself. I know that that short a duration of work is relatively brief compared to some of my medium- and long-term undertakings but I’m equally elated and contented with the outcome thus far and I know I definitely did something really good.

I used to have a lot of reservations in my current job. I used to drown myself in self-doubts asking whether I’m good enough to be an efficient nurse agent. I wallow into the ocean of uncertainty as to whether the career path that I have chosen will be a fruitful and productive one. I stayed behind the shadows of my fears and suspicions. I feared I have regressed into my old past all surrounded with mediocrity and inconsistency.

But now I know that I’m not that person anymore. During the past week, I’m really proud to say that I think I had consciously strived to become a better version of myself—an improved person with an unequalled and unparalleled worth. I expanded my comfort zone. I brought down my personal boundaries. I began to trust people better and I have invested in several relationships with new friends and colleagues. I have transcended successfully—from a child carefree and free-spirited and light—to a man responsible, mature and mindful of his demeanor and character. I have never felt this good before. The happiness within me is palpable and that fact makes me extremely happy.

I guess life has its own ways on making us realize our importance and worth. May it be succeeding on your personal careers, or gaining an A+ on a very important undertaking, or successfully mending a broken relationship with a person who used to be really close to you, or creating new ones with people you feel comfortable and at ease with—everything is possible with faith and determination. Risks are everywhere and is everything but inevitable, but wouldn’t you agree with me that success is much much sweeter when we know that we were able rise above our limitations and we reached our aspirations with perseverance and determination?

It is all about appreciating every little blessing we breathe in day in and day out. Today is the perfect moment for celebrating the real essence of the Season—that is, the Child is born to make this world a better place for you and me. Life is to be cherished and treasured. It is to be shared with people that are close to our hearts. And with a resounding heart and a spirit full of unending gratitude, I would like to wish all of you a VERY MEANINGFUL CHRISTMAS AND A BLESSED NEW YEAR. God Bless Us Best. All Is Full of Love.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Believe It Or Not

I had yet another bipolar episode just last evening. As you all know, I have been working in a call center for almost a week now and aside from both the physical and emotional rollercoaster I rode into as I entered this kind of job, I never thought that a half-year’s worth of preparation into getting my first job wasn’t at all enough. I’m still feeling overwhelmed at times, and those thoughts make me sick.

As a meager trainee, my call center shift starts at 4am and ends at 12nn. Nothing much exciting from my first days of work, really. Aside from multiple episodes of speechlessness, being tongue-tied, and some horrendous defiance of the laws of speech, rhetoric and grammar, I guess I coped and survived well, scathed, bruised and wounded, but alive nonetheless.

I believe that first impressions do last, and I’m pleased to say that my first impressions of my workmates are relatively good. Everything is near to perfection. Everyone in my group looks approachable and friendly, and I have made some new friends as well. I know things will definitely be good.

I’m still in training though. And I so so love this company, and I’m loving it more day in and day out. There’s just so much this company offers me and I fear that I had become a mediocre. I couldn’t do my best. I know that I have a lot to give but it feels like there’s something hampering me from doing it. I just couldn’t have it all figured out. The workplace is very conducive for work and learning. My superiors are really excellent and we had very good rapport. Even my colleagues, they had been very welcoming of me and all of them are understanding, patient and therapeutic without a doubt. Every ingredient of an ideal job is present but there’s still something missing. Darn, I hate this vexing feeling. My thoughts are becoming more and more unbearable.

I love this job and I love the company of my friends, especially Julianne, Mommy Gi-Gi, Jim, Nina, among others, who are probably the reasons why I endure the painstaking 2am wake-up-alarms everyday to come to work. They are all very helpful, and though I haven’t had the opportunity of thanking them, in my heart are the sincerest thoughts of gratitude for literally and figuratively making my day and boosting my spirit. With a grateful heart, thank you very very much. You guys have no idea how much serene and peaceful my mind becomes whenever you impart on me your genuine words of encouragements. I couldn’t have survived my 1st week of job without your help and concern.

I have a short weekend to think through it. I’m itching to sign my irresistible contract and I KNOW that I’m ready for the responsibilities that I’m supposed to carry out. I love this job and I hope I could find my drive—my MOJO—to become one of the best nurse agent in this company. No more second bests. No more mediocrity. No more uncertainties. Just plain clean excellence. And nothing less.

Monday, December 18, 2006

My Grown-Up Christmas List

Embarking on a new mission in life is a challenging phase for everybody, especially among the few ones whose life satisfaction has been largely based on the status quo and considers the waves of challenges as a huge deterrence to one’s ambitions. We have conditioned ourselves to become complacent on things that shelter our ego and personal boundaries, as if every thing, every event, every happening is just a phase where we are the mere spectators to the grand scheme of things. We fail to connect, moreover to get involved, to stand up and move our asses off, and LIVE A LIFE. Maybe it’s because we fear of losing control, or of failing, or of having our ego bruised and our ambitions crumble; but one thing holds true—we fear what we do not know. We fear the unknown.

Why do we embark on things that the outcomes we don’t definitely know? Why do we gamble our sanity, our status, our emotions, our relationships, in a game where the winners take all?

I don’t know if these trains of thoughts matter as of the moment. It’s just that I’m both excited and apprehensive of my new job. Nobody among my kith and kin agrees of it, where I’m in the contrary polarity, and I’m eagerly looking towards it. It had become, therefore, a personal quest for me—not only to prove them wrong, but to prove my worth and of my convictions in deciding for myself. I love my family, I really do, and in my mind and heart lays the best intentions for all of them. It’s just that I think that I’m ready to handle things by myself. If I might succeed/fail/quit/get insane or even get killed in the process, I will be very proud because I held on to my beliefs head on and guns blazing. And now I know, that things will definitely be good.

No amount of discouraging remarks, ghastly anecdotes and disheartening comments would dampen my spirit. I won’t let myself be overwhelmed. The pains of circadian arrhythmia, migraine headaches, carpal tunnel syndrome, perforated eardrum, combined conduction and sensori-neural hearing loss, Meniere’s disease, acoustic Schwannoma, laryngeal carcinoma, glioblastoma multiforme, Duputryen’s contracture, Reynaud’s disease, radial and ulnar nerve palsy, and extreme episodes of epistaxis would never deter me from achieving my short-term goals. And if God wills, a spiritual reward wouldn’t hurt.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

No Sense of Reason

Such a waste.

Admittedly, I’m not that really interested in all the glitz and euphoric mood most people in this country have at the moment. I think it’s exaggerated, overrated even. The mere thoughts of it makes me cringe. I’m not talking about the Christmas spirit here. I’m talking about the overly ecstatic “rape victim” from wherever hellhole up there and the poor US Marines guy, who looks so damn good. Okay, I’m that *shallow* and *superficial* and you might even call me a persona non grata of my own country but I’m having this vexing feeling of melancholy, and pity for the young, handsome Marine. Aargh! I hate it. I kinda feel bad for him because he’s so young, and fresh, and incredibly good. Every time his face flashes in the news, I can’t help but be overly engrossed, and I’m definitely sure that I’m not the only one who feels this way.


As I was SMSing my good friend while the conviction was being read by the clerk of court, I told him that I would like to pursue yet another career some time in my existence. I told him that I would like to work in that Neptune Bar place where lot of US Marines hang out. But such a waste of time and resources. A trip to the Makati City jail would be more realistic and feasible considering the present circumstances. My piece of heaven is just a short taxi ride from my place of work. A lunch for two (moi and little daniel) surely wouldn’t hurt at all.

This barrenness shall pass.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I Think God Can Explain

It is often said that the greatest enemy of present happiness is past happiness too well remembered. But when one feels lonely, desolate and suicidal (the last one being an exception), one could find solace and comfort on the recollections of very good moments that were once a part of your life. And the mere thoughts of it not only suffice the longing, but could even be enough to put even a little smile on your face. And you’ll realize that “things will definitely be fine.”

My soul mate in New York was my source of strength during these trying times. And recalling both blissful and painful moments we’ve shared when he was still here simply erase all the bad experiences that have happened to my life faster than psychotherapy and lobotomy combined.

Maybe I was wrong when I told him (in the past) that I could not commit to a long-distance relationship, but when I realize that he was still holding on and eagerly waiting for me, I could not feel any more happier, and loved and cherished and respected, all at the same time. His affirmations are like balms to my hurts, and I couldn’t feel anything but completely at peace with myself, and that makes my spirit at ease.

Perhaps I have no one to blame but myself for all the relationship tragedies and the heartaches that I submit myself into during the past year. My relationship with Marco was long gone, but the memories still haunt me like ghosts I still could not exorcise and set myself free. I think it’s because of my compulsions to compare his “great love” from “everything else,” and with what we had, it is a huge feat to surpass, and everything else looks inferior, and consequently worthless.

Admittedly, I still have problems letting go—letting go of all the beautiful memories that are attached to persons in my past. Despite what I have right at the moment, I’m still not complacent with my present relationships for I yearn for something better, something grander, and something probably unreachable. It’s inevitable to compare relationships and its human nature to bargain for better deals and not be satisfied with mediocre choices. But it is more important to be just appreciative for every blessing that comes our way. We might not have everything we want, but having everything we *really* need is something to really be thankful for.

At the end of the day, there still are a lot of things that we should be thankful for. Be thankful for the past memories that shaped what we are at present. Be thankful for the present pains and heartaches, and joys and blessings, and the precious gift of being alive. Be thankful for people who broke our hearts, who mocked and belittled us, who treated us worse and made us feel bad about ourselves. Be thankful for being cynical, for in cynicism we find hope, in darkness we find peace, and in loss we find a new reason to gain something we never had before.

I don’t know whether these reeling emotions might be just temporary. Or I’m just adrift within the pervasive Christmas spirit. I still don’t have the kick of Christmas spirit yet, but in my heart are hopes that even for such a little time, I could find serenity and peace within the hearth of my heart, and I could say deep and true within the recesses of my heart a loud and resounding “Merry Christmas.” God Bless You Best.