I Think God Can Explain

It is often said that the greatest enemy of present happiness is past happiness too well remembered. But when one feels lonely, desolate and suicidal (the last one being an exception), one could find solace and comfort on the recollections of very good moments that were once a part of your life. And the mere thoughts of it not only suffice the longing, but could even be enough to put even a little smile on your face. And you’ll realize that “things will definitely be fine.”

My soul mate in New York was my source of strength during these trying times. And recalling both blissful and painful moments we’ve shared when he was still here simply erase all the bad experiences that have happened to my life faster than psychotherapy and lobotomy combined.

Maybe I was wrong when I told him (in the past) that I could not commit to a long-distance relationship, but when I realize that he was still holding on and eagerly waiting for me, I could not feel any more happier, and loved and cherished and respected, all at the same time. His affirmations are like balms to my hurts, and I couldn’t feel anything but completely at peace with myself, and that makes my spirit at ease.

Perhaps I have no one to blame but myself for all the relationship tragedies and the heartaches that I submit myself into during the past year. My relationship with Marco was long gone, but the memories still haunt me like ghosts I still could not exorcise and set myself free. I think it’s because of my compulsions to compare his “great love” from “everything else,” and with what we had, it is a huge feat to surpass, and everything else looks inferior, and consequently worthless.

Admittedly, I still have problems letting go—letting go of all the beautiful memories that are attached to persons in my past. Despite what I have right at the moment, I’m still not complacent with my present relationships for I yearn for something better, something grander, and something probably unreachable. It’s inevitable to compare relationships and its human nature to bargain for better deals and not be satisfied with mediocre choices. But it is more important to be just appreciative for every blessing that comes our way. We might not have everything we want, but having everything we *really* need is something to really be thankful for.

At the end of the day, there still are a lot of things that we should be thankful for. Be thankful for the past memories that shaped what we are at present. Be thankful for the present pains and heartaches, and joys and blessings, and the precious gift of being alive. Be thankful for people who broke our hearts, who mocked and belittled us, who treated us worse and made us feel bad about ourselves. Be thankful for being cynical, for in cynicism we find hope, in darkness we find peace, and in loss we find a new reason to gain something we never had before.

I don’t know whether these reeling emotions might be just temporary. Or I’m just adrift within the pervasive Christmas spirit. I still don’t have the kick of Christmas spirit yet, but in my heart are hopes that even for such a little time, I could find serenity and peace within the hearth of my heart, and I could say deep and true within the recesses of my heart a loud and resounding “Merry Christmas.” God Bless You Best.