Saturday, November 25, 2006

Over My Head

I woke up crying for the nth time since last last week. I don’t know if it is just the time of the year, or it is my inner psyche dealing, or it’s my alter-ego and soulmate Mel's ramblings, or it is just my mixed-up emotions talking and making everything looks gloomy and depressing. Despite the resounding Christmas cheers filling the air, the crisp genteel breeze brushing my skin during the early morn, and the glistening, blinding lights surrounding the still gift-less Fir Tree, the disconsolate mood is still palpable, so blinding and overwhelming, I’m all clouded with hatred and cynicism.


all sobered up

I guess no amount of self-denial, rationalization, suppression or reaction formation could change the fact that I’m still kind of hurting with what happened to the relationship I nurtured for the past year. It’s not my fault, really, but the problem is that my Man doesn’t think it’s his fault too. And I’m left hanging with all the confusion, pain and unanswered questions in the world. At times I cry myself to sleep asking what went wrong, wallowing and drowning myself in self-pity, musing suicidal thoughts (joke) while contemplating my recurrent ruminations of inadequacies. Yet there are times when I couldn’t stop thinking of him and how much he hurt me. And then the more I feel alone.

***

I could still recall my college days when he would visit me in the hospital ward where I have my duty and we would hide in the student’s room or in the hallway, or worst, in the patient’s room to hide from my clinical instructor just to have a chat or to arrange our next date.

I could still recall the haunting looks the professors throw at us when they see us together either in the hospital wards, in the mall/grocery/amusement park/restaurant, etc.

I could still recall the times when I would wait for him and he would wait for me in the library in cases our schedules are different just to meet up. We would do our homeworks, finish our duty requirements, and talk about things no matter how redundant the topics are.

I could still recall the time when he sang “Say That You Love Me” in public, saying that the song is dedicated to me.

And so much more.

***

Throughout our 1 ½ years of being together, he never really considered me as his boyfriend. He told me that I misinterpreted everything that has happened during the time that we’re dating. In fact, he confessed that he was already committed to someone else even before we started dating. Everything is nothing but a mere pretense.

I’m hurt because he just used me as to his convenience. I felt betrayed. He could’ve admitted the facts from the start so that no one will get hurt in the end. I felt used for the love I gave him, and to which he never reciprocated. What is even more painful is the fact that he never felt guilty nor apologetic nor embarrassed for what he did. In fact, he demanded that “things should be back to normal, as if no confrontation happened.” How apathetic could he get? Everything was all about him—his feelings, his priorities, his family, his studies… I felt nothing left for him but hatred and disgust. I could not imagine the times I’ve wasted for that self-loving, self-absorbed and user-friendly human being.

But when I recall everything that happened, I’m left with nothing but ambivalence. I hate him but I love him just the same. In my lonely recollections, I never imagined spending those wonderful times with someone else but him. Perhaps I misinterpreted the signs, perhaps my friends’ hunches were right, perhaps I really loved him, and perhaps I still do… but I also have the right to be happy, to be loved and to be treated with love and respect.

***

To My Man: "And now I’ve started moving on. I wanted to start with a clean slate—no baggage from my past relationships, no grudges, no hurts and pains. I’ve been to too much heartache in the past, and this one’s no different. Only time can tell when will all my broken pieces be glued again. I need to give my heart a little more time to heal. And when that time comes, perhaps I can start considering forgiving you for all the damages that you’ve done."

***

It’s hard letting him go. But it’s doubly hard realizing that the person I could not let go… wasn’t really mine and had never really been mine after all.

***

P.S. A shoutout to Mel, the one who keeps me grounded and in touch with the reality. You know what they say, hunny, MISERY LOVES COMPANY.


P. P. S. And nope, I'm still not *that* cynical.

3 comments:

burito spinach said...

there is beauty beneath the carcasses and of ghosts we fear the most

in question if I’m capable to live through all of this
or my apathy’s gotten the best of me a pathetic state of bliss
I have to move on despite the fact it’s only dignity I own
When kindness is mocked degraded love is obsolete unknown

I was uncertain to move forward and regretful to look back
Swimming in a sea of my mistakes it was faith in myself I lacked
No matter how many times I fall and how many wounds I have to bear
I refuse to believe that life is never fair...


[[[galing yan sa isa sa paborito kong banda, hmmm, pano ba? >_< alam kong mahirap yang sitwasyon mo ngyun, pwede kong sabihin na naiintindihan kita, khit konti, isa sa pinakamahirap na matutuhan e yung mag let go sa isang bagay na hinawakan mo ng mahigpit at dumikit na at naging parte na ng systema mo,.. all wounds heal in time naman e, kahit yung sugat na hindi nakikita,.. ang hindi lang e yung hiwang hindi dumudugo(grin yun nyahehaha)..

sabi nga ng isang prof sa psych.. "lahat ng bagay na masakit, kelangan mong bigyan ng rason kung bakit ngyari, kelangan magkaroon yung ng importansya sa buhay mo, kundi, magkakaroon ka ng post traumatic stress syndrome.."
(speakening in a therapeutic tone, in a therapeutic face and a therapeutic gesture)


haba ba ng comment?.. hehe.. basta tandaan mo lang na hindi ka nag iisa, d2 kaming mga frens mo para tumulong, >_<
(ahm, ka rle mo ko.. ges hu mo na lang.. hehahah,,)

sa tingin ko naman e hindi ka magpapatalo sa isang problema lang, sabi nga ni batman.. "why do we fall? so that we can learn to stand up again.."

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Hi Burito Spinach, grabe nagbblog ka na din pala. Haha. I’m surprised! Well, super super thank you sa comments. I really appreciate your insights. And welcome to the therapeutic (and crazy) world of blogging!

Sabi nga ni Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, whenever people face such painful experiences and when we experience pain, grief and loss, we deny, we are angered, we bargain and we succumb to depression before we learn to accept and reconcile the loss. Siguro at present I’m still in the process of bargaining—I’m weighing out the pros and cons that resulted from the “un”-fortunate loss, but when I think about it, I realize na talagang LIFE HAS WAYS OF TEACHING US IMPORTANT LESSONS, minsan mukha lang talagang mahirap ang kailangan nating danasin upang matutunan ang mga ito, pero kung iisipin mo rin, you will later be thankful dahil nangyari ang mga bagay na ito, dahil naging mas matalino kang tao, and you will feel nothing but grateful and really thankful for every single minute of your life.

Naalala ko rin yung lyrics ng fave song ko…

“Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky.
It slips away and all your money won't another minute buy.

All we are is dust in the wind.”

Ang lesson ng kanta: sabi ni Sarah Brightman (at ng Kansas), nothing lasts forever ika nga, kahit ang sakit, hirap at kalungkutan, and we cannot live in the past and in the present at the same time. Past is past and we cannot change or alter what has happened (in the past) despite all our best efforts, what is important is that we learn something from our mistakes, we refrain from doing the same mistakes again, we learn our lessons, and in the end, we end up as better persons.

Grabe ang haba na rin nito, pero I’d take this opportunity na din to thank you for your genuine concern. Super feel na feel ko ang unconditional concern mo for me. Alam ko na you’ve been hurt in the past na din and I’m praying na you’ll be well na din. Stay strong my friend, and I’ll always be here for you. Wuvyah! Hehe.

guile said...

you'll get over it..