Over My Head

I woke up crying for the nth time since last last week. I don’t know if it is just the time of the year, or it is my inner psyche dealing, or it’s my alter-ego and soulmate Mel's ramblings, or it is just my mixed-up emotions talking and making everything looks gloomy and depressing. Despite the resounding Christmas cheers filling the air, the crisp genteel breeze brushing my skin during the early morn, and the glistening, blinding lights surrounding the still gift-less Fir Tree, the disconsolate mood is still palpable, so blinding and overwhelming, I’m all clouded with hatred and cynicism.


all sobered up

I guess no amount of self-denial, rationalization, suppression or reaction formation could change the fact that I’m still kind of hurting with what happened to the relationship I nurtured for the past year. It’s not my fault, really, but the problem is that my Man doesn’t think it’s his fault too. And I’m left hanging with all the confusion, pain and unanswered questions in the world. At times I cry myself to sleep asking what went wrong, wallowing and drowning myself in self-pity, musing suicidal thoughts (joke) while contemplating my recurrent ruminations of inadequacies. Yet there are times when I couldn’t stop thinking of him and how much he hurt me. And then the more I feel alone.

***

I could still recall my college days when he would visit me in the hospital ward where I have my duty and we would hide in the student’s room or in the hallway, or worst, in the patient’s room to hide from my clinical instructor just to have a chat or to arrange our next date.

I could still recall the haunting looks the professors throw at us when they see us together either in the hospital wards, in the mall/grocery/amusement park/restaurant, etc.

I could still recall the times when I would wait for him and he would wait for me in the library in cases our schedules are different just to meet up. We would do our homeworks, finish our duty requirements, and talk about things no matter how redundant the topics are.

I could still recall the time when he sang “Say That You Love Me” in public, saying that the song is dedicated to me.

And so much more.

***

Throughout our 1 ½ years of being together, he never really considered me as his boyfriend. He told me that I misinterpreted everything that has happened during the time that we’re dating. In fact, he confessed that he was already committed to someone else even before we started dating. Everything is nothing but a mere pretense.

I’m hurt because he just used me as to his convenience. I felt betrayed. He could’ve admitted the facts from the start so that no one will get hurt in the end. I felt used for the love I gave him, and to which he never reciprocated. What is even more painful is the fact that he never felt guilty nor apologetic nor embarrassed for what he did. In fact, he demanded that “things should be back to normal, as if no confrontation happened.” How apathetic could he get? Everything was all about him—his feelings, his priorities, his family, his studies… I felt nothing left for him but hatred and disgust. I could not imagine the times I’ve wasted for that self-loving, self-absorbed and user-friendly human being.

But when I recall everything that happened, I’m left with nothing but ambivalence. I hate him but I love him just the same. In my lonely recollections, I never imagined spending those wonderful times with someone else but him. Perhaps I misinterpreted the signs, perhaps my friends’ hunches were right, perhaps I really loved him, and perhaps I still do… but I also have the right to be happy, to be loved and to be treated with love and respect.

***

To My Man: "And now I’ve started moving on. I wanted to start with a clean slate—no baggage from my past relationships, no grudges, no hurts and pains. I’ve been to too much heartache in the past, and this one’s no different. Only time can tell when will all my broken pieces be glued again. I need to give my heart a little more time to heal. And when that time comes, perhaps I can start considering forgiving you for all the damages that you’ve done."

***

It’s hard letting him go. But it’s doubly hard realizing that the person I could not let go… wasn’t really mine and had never really been mine after all.

***

P.S. A shoutout to Mel, the one who keeps me grounded and in touch with the reality. You know what they say, hunny, MISERY LOVES COMPANY.

P. P. S. And nope, I'm still not *that* cynical.