Friday, June 23, 2006

A New Day Has Come

My contemptible negligence and (momentary) desertion of this humble sanctuary of mine had been in its zenith for the past few weeks. Now, I’m offering you my beloved friends, my sincerest and earnest apologies for my fleeting laxity, and am now please to inform you that I’m now back and running for some new rantings of my condescending mind.

As a fresh graduate, the pressures of passing the board examinations, consequently, of finding a new job, and theretofore, of earning my own profit, had taken its toll on my personal life. During our reviews for the past months, I had been neglectful of some people who are close to my heart, and that includes my Man, to whom I am very sorry. My second apology is for all of you who I’ve misled into the belief that I had my so-called “new significant other” I’ve chronicled during my last entry. That announcement was too premature and impetuous, even I, myself am surprised and I thought was injudicious. To make things short and simple, I am still single and unattached, but contented nonetheless.

June was such a nostalgic month for me. Last last week I celebrated my 20th birthday. My blogsite even celebrated its 1st year (okay, 1st year and a month). And it was 1 melancholic year ago since my Marco left me for the States.

For the past year, I hadn’t completely moved on. And it was still difficult letting him go without the hurts and the pains. But if there’s one decision in my life I’m proud of accomplishing, it was my choice of opening my heart again. I could wallow in self-pity asking what went wrong, or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and continue living. I’ve decided to pick the latter, and I am proud of myself for doing that. At present, though I know that I’m having a hard time trusting people again, I’m proud to say that I’ve already took the first steps, and am looking forward to the next.

The past year gave me my much needed peace of mind. The realizations that roused my weary consciousness was a bliss. In the midst of all the chaos and the turmoil that happened during the past, I’ve learned life lessons I’ll forever carry in my heart. That in the face of mediocrity and barrenness, the world never fails to show us that behind this imperfect world lays a beautiful one waiting to be discovered.

I was reminded of Lester Burnham’s narration in American Beauty: “… it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...”

There is so much beauty in this world, all we need to do… is to look closer.


Maybe one of the reasons why I am afraid of doing things I deem necessary is that dreaded feeling of losing control. Maybe helplessness, pains and sufferings are parts of the normal fabric of the human life. “Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.” I learned my lessons the hardest way, and I fear that the same mistakes will again haunt me as a form of a cyclic karmic retribution and I’ll never be happy again.

Just kidding.

But I’m gradually moving on. Maybe if not for the sake of finding my significant other, but of finding the real sense innate in me. My past year was a recurrence of mistakes, errors, and fears, and I have submitted to the idea of never repeating them again. I have spent too much time thinking of my studies/career, of other person’s businesses, of my irrational fears of the future, and of so much more, that I have completely forgotten to take care of my self. I have a magnificent life to live and I will live it the way I want it to be—no reservations, no fears, and no worries. And eventually hoping, that I will finally be HAPPY.

Because sometimes the most important part of accomplishing something really close to your heart is to take the inevitable first step. Life is hard and it is difficult on purpose. “The first step”—it’s all that it takes. And when it’s all good and done, the view of the other side… is spectacular.