Friday, June 23, 2006

A New Day Has Come

My contemptible negligence and (momentary) desertion of this humble sanctuary of mine had been in its zenith for the past few weeks. Now, I’m offering you my beloved friends, my sincerest and earnest apologies for my fleeting laxity, and am now please to inform you that I’m now back and running for some new rantings of my condescending mind.

As a fresh graduate, the pressures of passing the board examinations, consequently, of finding a new job, and theretofore, of earning my own profit, had taken its toll on my personal life. During our reviews for the past months, I had been neglectful of some people who are close to my heart, and that includes my Man, to whom I am very sorry. My second apology is for all of you who I’ve misled into the belief that I had my so-called “new significant other” I’ve chronicled during my last entry. That announcement was too premature and impetuous, even I, myself am surprised and I thought was injudicious. To make things short and simple, I am still single and unattached, but contented nonetheless.

June was such a nostalgic month for me. Last last week I celebrated my 20th birthday. My blogsite even celebrated its 1st year (okay, 1st year and a month). And it was 1 melancholic year ago since my Marco left me for the States.

For the past year, I hadn’t completely moved on. And it was still difficult letting him go without the hurts and the pains. But if there’s one decision in my life I’m proud of accomplishing, it was my choice of opening my heart again. I could wallow in self-pity asking what went wrong, or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and continue living. I’ve decided to pick the latter, and I am proud of myself for doing that. At present, though I know that I’m having a hard time trusting people again, I’m proud to say that I’ve already took the first steps, and am looking forward to the next.

The past year gave me my much needed peace of mind. The realizations that roused my weary consciousness was a bliss. In the midst of all the chaos and the turmoil that happened during the past, I’ve learned life lessons I’ll forever carry in my heart. That in the face of mediocrity and barrenness, the world never fails to show us that behind this imperfect world lays a beautiful one waiting to be discovered.

I was reminded of Lester Burnham’s narration in American Beauty: “… it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...”

There is so much beauty in this world, all we need to do… is to look closer.


Maybe one of the reasons why I am afraid of doing things I deem necessary is that dreaded feeling of losing control. Maybe helplessness, pains and sufferings are parts of the normal fabric of the human life. “Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.” I learned my lessons the hardest way, and I fear that the same mistakes will again haunt me as a form of a cyclic karmic retribution and I’ll never be happy again.

Just kidding.

But I’m gradually moving on. Maybe if not for the sake of finding my significant other, but of finding the real sense innate in me. My past year was a recurrence of mistakes, errors, and fears, and I have submitted to the idea of never repeating them again. I have spent too much time thinking of my studies/career, of other person’s businesses, of my irrational fears of the future, and of so much more, that I have completely forgotten to take care of my self. I have a magnificent life to live and I will live it the way I want it to be—no reservations, no fears, and no worries. And eventually hoping, that I will finally be HAPPY.

Because sometimes the most important part of accomplishing something really close to your heart is to take the inevitable first step. Life is hard and it is difficult on purpose. “The first step”—it’s all that it takes. And when it’s all good and done, the view of the other side… is spectacular.


Prat said...

Things have a way of working out, it just is a question of taking that step.
Dont be afraid.

Ken Lee said...

glad to see you bouncing back :)

bing said...

good news... be well.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you back dahlen! I miss your posts =)

- Schizo -

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks prat. Your pieces of prose and poetry are superb. They pierce straight through my heart.

It seems as if the cosmic universe has a way of mending things up. In it’s time, in it’s right pace, in it’s due manner, all to restore the balance of our minds, hearts, and souls. I’m really elated when I took the prime control of my life. It’s all too empowering, almost surreal to a certain point. It’s magical watching your own life unfold right your very eyes. There’s too much reality it’s even blinding. But in it’s unfolding I have found the uniqueness and the rarity the universe has in store for me. And all I have in my spirit is everlasting gratitude.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks Ken Lee. When you’re in your rock-bottom, some people say, there is no other way/place to go, but up. And I’ve always believed that it is accurate in all manners and circumstances. I never thrived in the delusion that I can have everything I want. That was my sort of “reality-testing and grounding” philosophy that worked each and every time my spirit encountered inescapable pangs and tribulations. When one realize how imperfect he is, how flawed his life is, how lacking he is, the more he feels contented for every single blessing in his life, no matter how little or negligible it is. All he feels is extreme happiness for the gift of being alive, and the opportunity to gain more in each and every single moment of his life. And that is how we should live our lives, I believe.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks bing! Long time no see, er read.. =)

“If you want something you never had, you must do something you’ve never done.” And in this world of inconsistencies and mediocrity, doing nothing, expecting things to go all on your way, and believing that you can get everything you want, warrants a person a one-way ticket straight to eternal desolation, desperation and doom. Problems are blessings, and so do changes. And we have no business here but to ride the waves of changes, learn our lessons by dipping our feet in the murky waters of life, and emerge as wonderful persons scathed and wounded, but living nonetheless.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Hi Mr. Scheez. What happened to your site? It seemed as if I have wee problems accessing it.

There is beauty in the face of uncertainties. The surprises, good or bad, are what makes it more exciting. It is only recently that I have get into the realizations that every single day is a chance, an opportunity, to appreciate life in all its forms and figures. “There’s entire life behind things, and an incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. It helps me remember... and I need to remember... sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.” And just surrender. And fall.

guile said...

“The first step”—it’s all that it takes. And when it’s all good and done, the view of the other side ... is spectacular.

i like that :)..

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

I love that one too, guile. It’s kind of inspired by my favorite show, Grey’s Anatomy. It’s like a wordplay I get to love and adore. =)