Friday, August 11, 2006

Overkill

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications




Last last night (August 8, 2006) marks my debut primetime appearance on national television. It’s nothing alarming, really. In fact, it was more disturbing to some of my closest acquaintances and even to myself. Despite the very little bit of preparation, I managed to stay sane and sensible during the entire round of interview.

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination


As most of you already knew, I passed the recently concluded Nurse Licensure Examinations. After four tortuous years of nursing school, battling and juggling tremendous personal and professional chores have come into fruition—and here I am now, with my BS Nursing diploma, guns blazing, ready to face my new life as a professional Registered Nurse. But with the recent leakage issues, everything comes to a halt.

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day




At first I wanted to take my hands off of the issues at hand. I’m the Switzerland of the nursing profession—neutral, unbiased, and impartial. But when I was invited to render a speech for the batch and the parents of my batch mates who, unfortunately, did not sail through through the exams, I was disheartened by my apathy and indifference. I rendered my speech, hoping I would be able to inspire the rest of my batch mates to fight for what is right and to speak up for the truth.

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill


But I have no idea that the entire “issue” would be this big. My friends have advised me to take a neutral stand on this pressing issue. I still have poor insight regarding these things. I’m not against the retake stuff; on the other hand, I would be very delighted if some parts of the tests would be retaken, for in this manner, I would obtain higher scores then. But on further introspection, when I come to think of the tremendous physical and psychological efforts I would submit myself again into, fear suddenly grows in me. What if I fail during the retake? As a good friend would say, “would it be worth the squeeze?”

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day




Honestly, after the first day of the exams, I was so emotionally drained there is no way I could have made it past that day. It’s so damn difficult and tricky even I was surprised. The questions are so subjective, no amount of review, research or brainstorming could furnish you with the exact answers. And I couldn’t blame a lot of people for being unmoved with the issue, and I respect their decisions, I really do.

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Sometimes I ask myself if my involvement in this issue is worth my time and effort. At present, I’m so sick I couldn’t even move my fingers while typing this blog entry. I was advised to be on bed rest by my MD, forcing me to absent myself in the forum at school, and a “tentative” shooting with Ms. Korina Sanchez, Sen. R. Gordon, etc. at the ANC studio. I have flu, and an impending pneumonia. Perhaps if not for my physical limitations, I could have been there, advocating and doing what I do best. But I’m not that invincible, for I am human too.

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away




Sometimes I think it’s kind of overkill. I’m hoping everything turns okay in the end—the truth shall prevail and the sinners will be punished. And all I’m praying for is that the ghosts that appeared… will soon fade away.

8 comments:

Ken Lee said...

oh i missed it!

Mel said...

Gosh! Where have I been. I missed you on TV! Well, I don't have a functioning set here in my room, so I just rely on text messages and the net. Pero grabe, stariray ka!

As for the retake issue, I really had no problems with it in the beginning. In fact, I was a very strong advocate for the exam to be retaken (if there was a need to do so). However, I basically just grew tired of the issue. One soul like mine would not make much difference. I have heard of people saying that med students really have nothing to lose if ever they retook the exam. So, to save time battling arguments against people who would not even listen, I just stayed away from the issue and became a silent spectator.

Well, come to think of it, we do have a lot to lose. Lisensya na eh, naging bato pa. Plus, I really have no time to decently study for the exam. On the other hand, I think that the filth associated with the exams would haunt us forever. Yes, there is that stigma that those who passed got lucky/received the leakages. Quite frankly, it's stupid but there's nothing we can do if employers refuse jun'06 passers.

And you're right! It's mentally/physically draining and exasperating to even think that we'd have to go through all the hardwork and anxiety again. Feelings that maybe I won't make it this time. But, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Best we can do is just deal with it.

I hope you get well soon dear, I miss you! :-)

Mr. Schizophrenic said...

Gosh, parang nafe-feel ko ang hirap na pinagdaanan nyo during your board exam. Computer Science graduate kasi ako kaya wala ako board exam.

Pero kung may willingness talaga sa 'yo na kunin ulit yung exam, despite the mental and physical torture that such an exam brings, I support you dahlen.

Btw, I passed the interview and meron an ulit ako job offer. Thanks ah! =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Ken Lee: that’s no biggie ken, actually it’s kind of a very forgettable moment naman eh. So fleeting, you won’t even remember a thing after you’ve watched it. =) And my face? God forbids extreme humiliation and mortification.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Dra. Mel, hanukaburr!! Haha. I’m not that super-starry starry naman. And mind you mel, those kind of stuffs only happen once. And then, no more. Parang comet… once in a millennium or so lang ang appearance. Pero not to sound as if I’m bragging naman no, I turned down A LOT of television, radio, and even newspaper interviews because I’m sooo darn sick. My voice on TV even sounds like that of the “Chipmunks on Parade” album. And I think the rodents sounded even better.

Grabe mel, mas maganda pa yung comment mo kaysa sa post ko. I’m really stucked in a rut. Aside from my shameless self-promotion and my narcissistic inclusion of faceless photos in my entry, my entire post is so shallow and self-centered and boneless, its like it was written by a 4 year old drunk hoebag. Iba pala ang feeling pag maysakit noh? I couldn’t even get to express my point clearly without sounding so overly “trying-hard.”

Kidding aside… and seriously na… totoo talaga na we HAVE EVERYTHING TO LOSE. Like could you imagine all the effort that have wasted in our part, knowing that everything seems to appear nonsense and useless even from the very beginning. I couldn’t even get to DECIDE if I wanted to take a retake or not for god’s sakes. I know that as the batch’s cum laude, I have no reason to be afraid or apprehensive in taking a retake, but I’m also aware of the fact that my 1.00’s wont guarantee me a passing ticket to nurses-ville no matter how hard I brag/flaunt.show them off. I mean, look at some of cum laudes who failed. What if I took the retake and I failed? The horror of horrors.

..
.

And if things could get even worse, I already applied for my license, I have signed in the registry of professionals, and the most mortifying part? I likewise had the oath-taking despite the TRO. My God Mel, could I get any more spastic. Last week, I’m at PRC to detest the Board of Nursing officials and yet yesterday, I swore in front of them. Ang hirap talaga pag walang balls. =(

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Hi Mr. Scheez, I originally wanted to have a retake of the exams. Part of the reason was that my grades are soooo abysmal. Haha. But when the PRC officials said that the exams will be held on December, I backed-out in an instant. Talk about cowardice and spinelessness eh? As a nurse, I wanted to clean the reputation of the profession I revere and respect, but staying unemployed and unproductive for like what, 5 months, 7 months tops, that’s another issue not worth discussing.

So there I was. Patronizing the same institution I was fighting against in the beginning. My only wish is that I could get a decent job commensurate to my personal capabilities and potentials. I long wanted to feel how it is to be employed. But that’s just me.

guile said...

hoping for the best ...

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

thank you guile! btw, you're in a band? and you write superb poetry? darn, id kill for that! =)