Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Chronicles of Love

The following letters are my personal correspondence to my three special friends whose comments appear on the previously posted article "The Unwanted Ghosts of my Unforgotten Past."

to ree.
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when i learned the fact that we both have our significant others abroad and we are fighting to keep our relationships strong, i couldn't help but feel elated with the knowledge that someone in this universe shares with my sentiments and empathizes with me sincerely and genuinely (like you do).

at first i though that my bf (in NY) is my great true love but im finding it hard sustaining a relationship with someone i am not physically together with. its as if im missing his presence—the intimacy, the passion, the oneness, the security it brings, im not quite sure. but his very presence reminds me of his pure and unconditional love. like your bf, he had remained sincere and loyal to me and to our relationship. we still communicate substantially and we have remained faithful to one another. i guess its because we are both willing to fight for our relationship that we decided to make sacrifices and to hang and hold on. and like you, distance isn’t even a question.

im very happy with where your relationship is going. i hope that through our consensual efforts, we can be like you—strong, steadfast, dedicated. marco is strong and i know that we will make it as long as our love is able.

and as i always say, i will wait for him forever… as the sun stood still.
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to hashi.
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Thanks my dear friend visiting my precious little site. =)

I personally commend you my friend for the 11 months you wholeheartedly spent with your LD-significant other. In all fairness, that was long compared to my month-long ramblings and whimpering on whether I should pursue my relationship with Marco or not. In all honesty, I have no problems with LD relationships, and as I have said in my chronicles, I am very much willing to give it a try. But the thing I fear most is the lack of reassurance. Its not that I worry whether he will stay loyal with me, or I to him, it’s the outcome that I fear of. I’m afraid of the unknown, of the future, or where our relationship is heading. It’s just complicated… and fearful in my part.

I don’t want to simply end the relationship I nurtured and cultivated from the very beginning. I really, really love my Marco. And I am willing to sacrifice more. It’s hard for me living a life that is away from him physically. He had showered me with so much love when he was still here, and I became dependent on that love and belongingness. As Maslow said, I couldn’t have reached my full potential without him fulfilling my love, security, safety and belongingness needs. He had became a part of my life. And as crazy as it may sound, I felt extremely estranged even with myself with his leaving.

I hope I can be whole again. I’m fighting hashi. I’m still fighting.
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to bernadette.
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Thanks Bernadette. I feel happy with the fact that you are always present to support me and love me and empathize with me no matter how unpredictable, crazy, and messy my life have become. =)

I couldn’t help but agree with you my friend. It’s my first long-distance relationship ever that’s why I’m apprehensive and worried and afraid of everything that comes along with it. When I think of the many people who are looking for love, I couldn’t help but feel more happy and contented with my (past and present) relationship with Marco. And when I feel lonely and alone, a simple though of him or a short conversation with him is like a balm to the hurt. And suddenly it’s not that bad at all.

In love, there has to be sacrifices we have to endure. His leaving had become the hardest one yet, so is maintaining this LD relationship. I have psychologically prepared myself for this kind of test, and my mind had conditioned my heart to feel ready and primed for this emotional ride. But I was wrong. The more I became weak and unprepared. When he left, I was shattered into pieces. Only Marco can make me complete and whole again. But his leaving never broke my spirit. And it is telling me to fight for this relationship as long as my mind and heart can.

At present, I don’t have any plans of going to NY to be with him yet. Only time can tell. And fate. But I’m not altogether hopeless and forlorn. I have all the love in the world to give. And that belongs to my TRUE SIGNIFICANT OTHER in New York.



PS. Thanks for the unending support. Your words of advice had fueled my life with the precious warmth I needed to survive. I am very much indebted. I am indebted.

5 comments:

Mozza said...

Oh, New York, this black hole of LD relationships. My own significant other has been sucked up by this imploded mass more than a week ago. Fearless, I've decided to follow her and move to NYC myself, for her. It's only 40 days from now. You can also ask me the hours and the minutes.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Hi mozza. Thanks for visiting. Your blog is exquisitely commendable.

There is something in New York that makes it so romantic, so ardent and amorous— successfully hiding in a fa├žade of perfection a soulless, bleak, and barren city. NY had been cruel to me and to my quest for genuine love and happiness, but the thought of my Significant Other walking along the crowded streets of Manhattan, his heart beating in unison with mine, excites me with vigor and passion of being there with him sometime. At present, I’m still indecisive about my future plans of going there but I’m keeping my options open. In fact I’m still fervently hoping that after my studies here in Manila, my first itinerary would be New York. I’m not just quite sure whether NY will be congenial with me or not.

PS. Your valiant effort of going to New York to follow your Significant Other is just fabulous. I’ll be waiting for your chronicles. My prayers are with you. You are special.

Ree said...

i am in more trouble than you think we arent communicating much and i guess there are failurs as well as successes in LDRs but worry not of me... life goes on. no matter what. and you've got a friend in me always ruffles.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Hi Ree. Thanks for always being there for me. I’m extremely grateful for the support and the encouragements.

As I was introspecting and contemplating on where this LDR might go, I couldn’t help but realize how my inactions have lead to some deleterious outcomes for me and my significant other. My studies tax too much of my effort and time I couldn’t even find the opportunity to call him. That makes me hate myself. I’m not contributing much to our relationship while he’s working his ass off in that foreign land. It’s a matter of negligence and lack of initiative. I could have done better. And I’m learning my lessons the hard way.

I hope we can have the happiness we so dearly deserve. I’ll always be here for you too, Ree. My prayers will always be for your happiness.

iFred said...

i can't help but being nostalgic with your blog...thanks for sharing... it lighten my present burden.