The Unwanted Ghosts of my Unforgotten Past

The beginning of the rainy season brings to mind many a vivid memories of my past, including those that are consciously forgotten and those that are subconsciously repressed. I have adored the rain for its great power of cleansing and healing all the physical and emotional scars that bear witness to my failures as a person and as a lover. The changing of the seasons signifies the indefatigable cycle of life, growth, development and metamorphosis — with the inevitable fact that it is certain and unavoidable. It is a test of humility, acceptance and endurance—and it is up to us to discover that it is in change that we realize our fuller potentials as individuals.

It had been days since my boyfriend Marco had left me. Though we did not necessarily lost contact with each other, he had called me a couple of times (on our 7th monthsary and at my 19th birthday [NY time]); and for me the simple reassuring words of “I Love You,” and “Let’s Fight for this Relationship,” is like a balm to the hurt.

I opened up with my closest friends. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in this relationship I tend on keeping. I’m even more proud of myself with the fact that I was able to gather more strength to fuel the warmth of our relationship.

Some of my friends have said to forget about it. Few of them said to fight for it. Most people are against long distance relationships and I wonder about that. This is a first experience for me that's why I’m all optimistic about it. But I believe that relationships are valuable, are hard to find, so when and if you find the one that seems perfect for you why not pursue it. Get through the obstacles cause in the end its the relationship that's going to make you happy and everything else wouldn't matter.

There are some sacrifices/compromises that can be made to make it work; it just depends on the strength of the relationship. And I’m very much willing to make one.

One of my close friends texted me and asked me about the complexity our relationship is experiencing. I told her that we are in an “Open-Dating” set-up—meaning, we can date new men as long as we like, on the condition that we must inform each other of our personal decisions. It is typical of some homosexual relationships—more on like “I’ve found a new lover, kindly let go of me”-type and “Be happy for me and thanks for the love”-type. My friend couldn’t help but feel more and more confused. We started a text debacle and ended up with her advice of:

“Let go of him R***. It only means to say that there’s someone better waiting for you =). I’ll always be praying for your happiness.”

I’m left with the ambivalent feeling of relief and confusion. Is she right? Is it much better for me to move on and let go of him? Or should I fight for this relationship with all of my strength?

I’m left with a thousand puzzling questions unanswerable even by the most intelligent man on this planet.

One thing I just learned, I longed for my much-needed closure with my significant other.

But another thing I just learned, closure isn't something that you're always given...

A friend suggested that I should disregard and burn all the things that remind me of him. But I know it isn’t possible. Marco’s presence is everywhere in my life… He is in the watch I wear everyday in school. He is in my clothes that I wore during our dates and rendezvous. He is in the scent of the perfume that we bought together. He is in my mind, my thoughts, and my consciousness. How could I possible let go of someone who have fueled my life and made meaning to my existence?

Then I had a thought, he is a part of my life and will forever be. But had he become the ghost that I feared and dreaded when he left me here alone?

A sage once said that we must confront our own ghost, acknowledge its presence, then release it. In my life, I am definitely haunted by the ghosts of my relationships past. Old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone I had unresolved issues with I am bound to run into again and again until I fully resolve them. My relationship with Marco was dead for quite some time but as I go on with my personal life, he had inevitably become a presence in my life for good. And he had been there all along. Like the scent, the gifts, the memories I could never bring myself to forgot.

“When a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost? Or are we forever haunted by the spirits of the relationship past?”

Just last week, I accidentally bumped into my ex-boyfriend in a mall at Makati. He confronted me and told me harsh, hurtful words that struck my heart like daggers. His messages reverberate indifference and coldness but his actions told otherwise.

Though I’ve become hurt and wounded when our relationship failed, I can feel that he was still suffering from the pains he incurred when our relationship died. His anger and disappointment is palpable. I can feel that he’s still fighting to hold on to me as long as his capacities can. My mind told me to forget everything about him, but my heart is telling me to give him another chance. We didn’t have a proper break-up. The hurtful messages are unintentional, I believe. I had forgiven him. And he had forgiven me too.

I can’t understand myself. My heart tells me to fight for my relationship with Marco but the sudden presence of my ex-BFs suggests my heart to have some serious considerations. I’m back to the ride in my emotional rollercoaster again. The messages my ex-BF is sending me at present shook my heart for reconsideration, but can I wholeheartedly let go of the man who makes my heart beat anyway?
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I had confronted my ghost. I had accepted and released him. But now I was more haunted than ever. Because what I felt all along was no ghost… it was real.