Monday, June 06, 2005

As The Sun Stood Still

The most painful thing a person involved in a relationship cannot possibly endure is the scene where you have to watch your Significant Other (S.O.) walk past you and leave you alone, and you have no choice but to let go of your S.O. wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

Oh Lord… why me?

It is official. My boyfriend had left the country as of Sunday (5th of June). He had left me… alone, shattered, desolate and devastated. There are absolutely no words that can describe what I’m feeling at present. God I feel so alone. The loneliness within me is palpable. I’m so broken.

Marco had been my boyfriend for seven months now. He had been my strength, my happiness, my world, my life and my soul. My whole life revolved around him. He showed me how to love unconditionally and how to be strong despite the obstacles the world is throwing us. He loved me unreservedly. I loved him so much. And I still do.

All these times, I believed that he was my soul mate, an idea that I did not patronize at first. But Marco made me believe that the random circumstance of acquaintance that made us one and together is pre-destined, written in the stars. But as stars exists, I never knew that the flame, no matter how strong, can be instantaneously extinguished in short span of time.

I found it extremely paradoxical that his date of flight landed one day short of our monthsary. It is the 6th of November when we officially become life-partners. And it is 5th of June that he left me. Is it a premonition that our relationship might not make any future progress? Is it just a random chance of circumstance? Is it a sign telling me to just move on and let go? Or to hold on and fight for this relationship as far as my faculties can reach?

In all of my past relationships, I had been tested just the same. People came into my life. They became my life. And they go. They leave me, with the fact that unknowingly, they take a part of me with their leaving. I’m left incomplete. And I will never be whole again. Relationships are investments. You gain some, yet you lose everything. And no matter how you try to gain them back again, things will never be the same. You will never be the same.

If there’s one consolation that my relationship with Marco had made me happy despite all of my pains, it is the fact that he loved me unconditionally in the face of my imperfections. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, I FELT LOVED, RESPECTED AND CHERISHED. It is completely fortunate for an imperfect person like me to be loved by a perfect person like him. Despite my failures, he accepted me wholeheartedly; he treats me with regard and importance; HE INSPIRED ME TO LOVE MORE, TO GIVE MORE, TO TRUST MORE; he taught me how to trust unconditionally. He is my friend, my lover, my heart and my soul. He is, and will forever be THE GREATEST PERSON I LOVED with all of my heart, my mind, and my soul. And as cliché as it may sound, in my existence, I know I will never, ever love this way again.

Yesterday, after our final night together, we spent our last brunch at Intercon prior to their flight at NAIA. The luggages were prepared beforehand, and we were at the airport as early as 2:30pm. We had our final snacks and the next minutes of my life seemed like forever. The rain fell as if the heavens is sharing my grief and sorrow. I cannot help but cry. I definitely cannot fight my emotions anymore. I am human. I am weak. Yet Marco remained strong all throughout these days. He had been the epitome of real strength. He cannot afford to be weak. Else, I will feel more vulnerable before I crumble and break down. It is one of the things I admired about him—he is steadfast, unfaltering, and strong. And I still remained as the usual weakling—fragile, feeble, breakable.

But his steadfast strength made me realize that I can become stronger than what I had been. HE MADE ME BELIEVE THAT I CAN DO THINGS AS LONG AS LOVE IS ABLE. As long as I place my unwavering trust in our relationship, I know I can do better. And despite the distance barriers, I know that there is still one person on this universe who will still love and respect me unconditionally—and that person will always be my MARCO.

As I look back, Sex and the City’s ™ Carrie’s words reverberates in my brain;

“I got to thinking about FATE. That crazy concept that we are not responsible for the course of our life takes, that is all predestined, written in the STARS. Maybe that explains why, if you live in the city where you can’t even see the stars, your love life tends to feel a little more RANDOM. Even if our every man, every kiss, every heartache is preordered from some cosmic catalog, can we still make the wrong step and wander off our own personal milky WAY? I couldn’t help but wonder, CAN YOU MAKE A MISTAKE AND MISS YOUR FATE?

“Maybe our mistakes are what shape our fate. If we veered into a different direction, it may lead us back. After all, seasons change; years come and go, but the ones you love, stays in your HEART.”

Perhaps it is fate, or it is our choices in life, or it is God’s will that shapes our existence in this universe. There are still times when my heart aches, longing for my Marco, needing his presence, but in my heart I know I will be fine. There are storms people can’t simply avoid. The winds are strong but our love is stronger. As I look outside my window and savor the raindrops and the rays of the sun, I will forever remember my Marco. We will make it. I know we will.

As the snow falls on Marco’s cheeks along the crowded streets of New York, I know that our love will forever keep us warm. Our love is stronger than the blazing hearth, it is inextinguishable, it is forever, endless, infinite. The snow and the storm might not stop at least for the moment, but the eternal sun is just standing by… waiting for its rightly return.

And I will wait for him… as the sun stood still.

PS. We are in deep gratitude to all of you for all the prayers and the kindest words of support and encouragement. We will be fine. We appreciate the sympathy and your sincerest kindness. We are forever indebted.


Mel said...

It's been quite a while since something I read REALLY touched my heart. Time came when I thought that I have gotten through it all, that Im too numb to feel anything.

Yet, as I am reading your post, I realize that love can truly be everywhere. Yours, in NY. Mine, probably doing the same thing as me -- trying to find the other.

Mr. Schizophrenic said...

Haaay! When will I find my Marco kaya? :)

But I guess indi ko rin sya makikita dahil indi ako naghahanap ... hehehehe :)

Dahleng whenever I fell lonely dahil sa mga nakakalungkot na bagay na nangyayari sa akin, I just remember this verse in the Bible Romans 8:28 "And we know that ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose".

As I always say, you're always in my prayers :)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

to my ever-loving genuine friend mel, thanks for the time, the effort and the concern you have shown/given me all these years. i really appreciate the thoughtfulness.

in our search for our true love, we sometimes find ourselves astray, lost and aimless, even misplaced in someone else's arms. we lose hope and we feel as if we won't see the light at the end of the tunnel. yet in the right time, you will then realize that every road, every sign, and every heartache will definitely lead you to the right way... and ultimately, to the right person.

as long as we believe in love, and we are willing to sacrifice, and be hurt, love will remain loyal to us. don't lose hope mel. i'll always be here for you. we'll find him no matter what it takes...

keep on loving mel. i'm here lang if you need anything, ever! love you mel! =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

thanks mr. schizophrenic..

when i'm lonely, i usually drown myself with shame and self-pity, asking myself what have i done wrong to suffer all of these pains?

yet on the other hand, i got myself to thinking that maybe God has other plans for me. He had planned something better for me, in his time and in his own terms. then, i'm not that lonely anymore...

about your quest for your true love, you need not worry, he'll come in the right time. (and i hope you'll share your experiences din with him to us in your future blogs =).

thanks for the prayers mr. schizophrenic.. my prayers are also with you. =)

hastang said...

disturbingly familiar..