Sunday, June 05, 2005

The End of the Storm

Despite the utmost comfort sleeping beside my boyfriend in this personal suite in Hotel Intercontinental (Makati) in a 200-count Egyptian cotton sheets, I was awaken with this extremely vague feeling of apprehending doom. I was shaken to the core. It felt as if an impending danger is imminent, the fear within me is palpable, and I was in intense anxiety. And God knows, I just hate this feeling.

Today was my boyfriend’s last day in the country. Last Friday (June 3), we, together with his family, spent the afternoon (lunch) in TGMs, just outside of the hotel we are staying. And yes, his family invited me to become a part (of their family) in their last days in the country. I reciprocated the huge privilege by practically involving myself in every activities they planned prior to their departure. It was some sort of a bitter acceptance to the things that I simply cannot obviate.

At that same day, Juan Marco asked me to accompany him to Cartier (in Ayala). He was planning to purchase some presents for his cousins, he told me. I proposed that we should go to Charriol instead, but despite my insinuations, he said that he already had his reservations there. When we arrived at the store, he told me that he was really planning to give me a present for my birthday to which sadly, by that time, he’s already gone. He presented me an exquisite Cartier watch (in mother-of-pearl dial and set with 26 jewels). My God, this is too much to ask. I wasn’t really expecting for this kind of surprise. I’m stunned by his thoughtfulness. He had pre-paid the watch and I was left with no choice but to accept it. In turn, I bought him a bi-dialed watch (exceeding my credit limit) to remind him that no matter distance and time barriers are at hand, my heart will always be waiting for his return.

Yesterday (June 4) was their despedida party (also at Hotel Intercontinental). It was a purely family event (plus me), and it was just a bittersweet moment. The champagne overflowed mixing with the tears. In my heart, it is absolutely painful watching occasions like this. I was emotionally drained. It seemed as if my heart was shattered into pieces and no matter how I organize them back, a substantial part will be forever gone. I suddenly felt alone and desolate. Despite all the consolation and solace, I still couldn’t help but feel abandoned and cry.

We spent our last dinner together in Le SoufflĂ©. And we had our (drumroll please) final night at our suite in Intercon. We had the night together alongside red wine and flambeau. It was my perfect night ever. Despite the pains I’ve been keeping for the past few days, I just couldn’t help but feel glad, for things will finally be fine. His presence fueled my existence. We breathe the same air. Our hearts beat in unison. We are perfect. It is just wrong to break us apart. God I’m so alone.

Yet on the other hand, I feel extremely contented. Genuinely happy for the seven fabulous months of our relationship. It might be not that long, but it was extremely substantial. Why am I bickering with anguish and sorrow when I can rejoice and celebrate for the very good times that we spent together? I am fortunate that I met a good man in the midst of all aridity and disappointments that happened in my life. The time we spent together is nothing but a genuine testament of our true love. Suddenly, it was not that bad at all. The looming challenge is just another chapter in the chronicle of our lives.

Call it ambivalence, but sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely and happy, and satisfied and longing all at the same time. The flurry of emotions is tremendous and I’m left with no choice but to keep myself whole and unshattered despite all forces riveting my sanity. The clock at our room reads early morning and it is still dark outside. The scanty downpour of raindrops falls simultaneously with the tears overflowing down my eyes into my cheeks. He is yet sleeping, he has to prepare for the long road ahead. May the rain cleanse my fear and hurts. Wash my doubts and uncertainties. Purify my soul. Renew my spirit. Fill me with strength. May your strength permeates me with vigor. Heal me…

In hours or so, the sun will soon rise. And perhaps, the storm will soon be over.

PS. I’ll be crawling back to our bed. God really knows how to answer prayers. I am in deep gratitude to all who prayed for us. My appreciation to all of you who reads my blog.

Thanks to Intercon’s Wi-Fi and laptop privileges for without it, this blog will not become possible.


Mel said...

Reading your post makes me incredibly sad. Yet, it elates me that you have found someone real to love and care for. True love is hard to come by these days, and I envy you my friend.

Cheesy mode:
Just like the text msg, when I am feeling incredibly melancholic whilst missing someone, I stare at the sky at night and imagine that somewhere, he is doing the same thing. It gives me a sense that he isnt too far away.

Nonetheless, I love you friend. :-)
d2 lng ako, hug kita.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks mel! I really really appreciate everything, as in. The fact na you spend your very precious time reading my egoistic blogs makes me very happy.

I guess the fact that we've been to the hardest times makes us stronger than ever. The lessons we learned from all of our past relationships made us wiser, inspiring us to move on.

We're always in our quest to find our one, true, genuine love. I believed that Marco is the one for me, and I'm sincerely hopeful na someday, you will find yours... Malay natin mel, baka nandyan lang siya sa tabi-tabi. waiting for you always...

Just remember mel, i'm here for you always. Sabay natin siyang hanapin. Sometimes, two heads (and two hearts) are better than one. =)

Love you mel! Keep on loving!

Mr. Schizophrenic said...

i envy you dahleng sa relationship na meron kayo ni marco. tis hard to find someone like your man :)

indi tayo magkakilala pero nalulungkot ako sa situation mo right now, now that he has left na =(

i hope all goes well ... i'll pray for you dahleng :)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

thanks mr. schizophrenic!

as the saying goes, "the more you love the person, the more you find it harder to let him go." that is what i felt these past few days. its really hard to set your loved one free, esp when you developed and grow and mature in each other's presence.

thanks for sympathizing mr. schizophrenic. i really appreciate your sincerest compassion.

everything will be alright in God's time. thanks for the prayers mr. schizophrenic! i'll be fine. =)