Friday, May 20, 2005

The Language of the Heart

A very good friend of mine and his boyfriend are having misunderstandings typical of homosexual relationships. Both of them have issues in priorities, as the former doubts the latter that he does not love him just because he didn’t feel that the love was mutual. He texted me his doubts and sentiments and I explored the situation as open-mindedly as possible until I fully grasped what was really going on.

I’m somewhat into sharing my views about the situation when he texted me:

“Remember what happened with your boyfriend? When you once just loved him only when it was convenient for you? It hurts. I know now how he felt that time.”

Consequently, another message entered my inbox, from the same person:

“Di ko nararamdaman na mahal niya ako. Siguro hindi nga talaga. Hindi niya yata alam ibig sabihin nun eh…”

I’m quieted. Suddenly, I didn’t notice the tears flowing from my eyes. It was like a scene from One Tree Hill turned Queer as Folk. I’m in shock and disbelief. It was like Celine Dion’s lyrics “I can barely recall but its all coming back to me now,” turned-reality. I felt sad and disconsolate. It felt as if my mistakes are haunting me. My fears materialized. The retribution was deafening. In my mind I wished that this isn’t real. But it is. It is as real as the dozen tranquilizer pills I have at bedside. I’m so depressed I could die.

My mind wanders back to the times I spent with my ex-boyfriend. I considered him as one of my great true loves. He loved me so much without anticipating in return. He taught me how to love without expectations. But like all relationships, it ended as a failure—irreconcilable differences, priority issues, and my stupidity and infidelity. What else could probably go right?

I browsed my cell phone and searched for the messages my ex-boyfriend sent me when he was infuriated with the way (according to him) I used him for granted (but God knows I did not):

“You don’t love me. Pinaglaruan mo lang ako. I’m just your past time. Cause I don’t feel your love. You don’t even show what I am to you.”

“Please go on with your life. I’m tired. Just erase my number in your phone. Kahit masakit, kailangan gawin. Cause I have the right para maging masaya. And ayaw ko nang binabalewala ako.”

“Please don’t ever call me baby. AND DON’T SAY YOU LOVE ME… CAUSE YOU DON’T. GO AND FIND THE REAL MEANING OF LOVE. HINDI KA MARUNONG MAGMAHAL. Please help me forget you. You’re my nightmare. Sorry.”

I can’t help but see the identical resemblance of the hateful messages with the former messages my friend texted me. His messages are hurtful, indeed.

While my ex-boyfriend is sending me those wounding messages, I couldn’t help but cry. Cry for all the injustices, insecurities, pains, regrets, doubts, misgivings, wrong impressions, discrimination and all the hurt. I didn’t reply with angry messages. I accepted all the accusations as manly as I can be. I texted him with words of love and acceptance. And for me, this is my perception of a true love. It is accepting your faults and seeking no retribution no matter how painful it is to you or me in that matter.

Because in love, getting hurt and wounded is always a guaranteed reality. It is in how you make use of the pains and turn it into something wonderful that you’ll learn better and consequently, live life better. We haven’t talked since.

Hopefully, there will come a time when we will be in good terms with each other. I’m not expecting genuine forgiveness, it is just too much to ask. All I’m asking is a little respect, as cliché as it may sound. Relationships are personal, and no matter how you repress or suppress the emotions you have invested in it, the more it will overpower you. I’ve let go of him sans the grudges. But in my heart, he remained as the one who I greatly loved and adored. And it won’t change. He made a huge impact in my life. He will be my great man forever.

And I know that he will be able to find some vestige of forgiveness in his heart. In his time. In his terms. In his provisions. And in the language of his heart. And probably our hearts will beat in the same rhythm again. Probably not now. But the possibilities are still endless. And I will be forever grateful when that happens.

P.S. I have a loving boyfriend at present and I’m really happy and contented with where our relationship is going. I just need a little outlet to blow the steam off. I will be fine, don’t worry. Everything will be.

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