Friday, May 13, 2005

Relationships... In General...

I'm learning quickly about relationships.

People who know a lot about me believe that I had the perfect relationship with my present significant other, which, in fact, is too perfect to be true. He is 19 years old (one year older than me), has a perfectly-chiselled body and a very intellectual mind. He was introduced to me by a very good friend that I met during one of our usual rendezvous. He asked me immediately for a lunch date, to which I agreed of. And on the perfect day of November 6, we decided to advance our relationship to a higher level.

Our relationship is like any others—except that it was a homosexual one… yes, I’m also an XY.

Honestly speaking, I had a prior relationship with another man. It lasted for 2 and a half years. He is a medical student in a respectable medical school while I’m still in my junior high. I have invested so much in this relationship that when I broke up with him, I’m so devastated. I have given this man all the trust, dedication, love and understanding I have. With his leaving, I’m in my rock bottom. Fear grows in my heart—fear of loving, of giving my all, and of losing someone all in a single, indefatigable cycle. I gave my heart its much needed rest. I place my humanity on a quiescent, dormant mode…

I started living a depersonalized life. I engaged myself in relationships that require less emotional investment. I lived a passionate life. I had multiple partners, including people I just met in the bar, faint acquaintances, and of people I knew nothing of. In my mind I believed that the less I invest in a relationship, the more I will become resilient in my future relationships, but I was wrong. I became more faint, vulnerable and powerless.

With my conscious effort, I started living a single life less deviant from the temptations of the flesh and the body. I concentrated more on my studies and I started devoting more time with my friends. I made the much-needed progress. At last, I’m living this normal, average life.

At present, I’m extremely happy with my significant other. He loves me so much that I can’t imagine my existence without him. Perhaps, this relationship will never be perfect without the failures I savoured during the former years. I always tell my close friends, I learn a lot from my past and present relationships. And the more I experience these mistakes, the more I feel human. I’ve tasted my weakness and flaws. I’ve felt how it is to become defenceless and emotionally-dead. And I know that there will come a time that I will be able to harvest the fruits of my lessons. To taste the sweetness of happiness and success, not only in my relationship with others, but in all of my endeavours…

And for me, that time is now.

1 comment:

dazedblu* said...

Hmm. i really dunno what to say.. except fer one, i've been trhoguh the same process but mai in dif wuz i'm nut havin' any significant others right now! L-) i'm i?

well i justr stared a lot in this blog, until i drop from yer archives and seek for the oldest entry yew have. and so i thought it's the oldest one.

i didn't expect the first entry would be like this! very emotional and sincere indeed, and through reading the continuum of yer first entry, seems it followed a lot of memories that brings yew into loneliness.

maybe at least now yew have a peace in yer heart, think so. ;)