Sunday, May 29, 2005

There is Always Fear in Goodbye

It becomes extremely frightening when the person you really really love and adore has to bid his goodbye and leave you hanging to a thread where fate and destiny is holding on to. You are left with a feeling of hopelessness and despair, fear and desolation, and all the vague ambiguity of amalgamated sentiments, all in the rollercoaster of emotions you simply can’t leap off or avoid.

It is not the first time that my Significant Other had to leave me. It was last December when he and his family went to the States to spend the Holidays. It was when he returned that he broke the news that his family has decided to migrate for good after taking his summer studies in Management in Benilde.

I was devastated. I felt so betrayed that I broke up with him.

I was back to my previous cycle of Sertraline and Sonata. Sertraline (an anti-depressant) keeps me happy and Sonata knocks my extreme sense of hyperactivity and sends me to slumber. The loneliness within is deafening but my friends barely noticed my grief. The pain is so palpable I could break down and die.

My relationship with my Significant Other, Juan Marco, is my sincerest relationship yet. It is in this relationship that I have invested all of my emotions completely and perfectly. I loved him wholeheartedly and unconditionally. And in my heart, I know that he loved me the same.

When I broke up with Marco, I tried to share my grief with my friends. I rationalized the legitimacy of my decision with the faith that I felt that the decision is partial and one-sided. Am I not a part of his life? Did he treat me with regard and respect? I felt so belittled and insulted. It seemed as if I’m just a mere insignificant individual in his perfect, faultless life.

Instead of setting me free, he sincerely apologized. He told me that the decision is beyond his control and that if he had a choice, he would decline. I loved him so much. I was afraid of losing him. And I know that the decision is frightening for him as well. We compromised but I still stood by the decision that we are no longer partners. I’m strong and I have a life to be enjoyed. Sometimes, love means having to let go. My life doesn’t stop with his leaving. Perhaps, it would be just the beginning of a fabulous life ahead of me.

I’m back to being single again. I opened up to my very best friends. When I consulted my very appreciative friend, she told me that I was being unfair with my decision. Admittedly, I felt somewhat ashamed of my stubbornness and inconsideration. When I broke up with him, I thought that I’ll become stronger and more resilient to the challenges of committing in a relationship. I believed that there’s no use in continuing the relationship when it will be obliterated just the same. There is no use of holding on and fighting for it. I believed that it was a losing battle and no matter how I fight for it, I’ll just end up with nothing but scars and wounds of failures and disappointments.

But I know I was wrong. The failures of my past relationship are there to haunt me again. Am I learning from my past relationships? Am I just getting older, and not wiser? This time, we both had a choice, and losing is never an option. My heart told me to fight for it. And I quickly responded. I’m not ready to lose someone again. Particularly not the person who I really really loved and respected, and loved and respected me just the same.

It was last April when we rekindled our old flames. We’re back together. He’s heading for the States for good and his flight is nearing. But I really want to hold on. I am willing to fight and die for this relationship. I know that saying goodbye to someone special to you is hard, especially when you never really know what will happen in the future. This is what I feel. Is this the end for the both of us? Perhaps it is. But I know that in these past few days, he had been showering me with love I really need to keep me alive. I learned to respect his decisions and instead of bickering on what went wrong, I accepted the process wholeheartedly. Relationships are hard I know and I fully committed myself to this one. We will succeed and flourish. It will not fail nor fall. Our relationship will be strong as ever as long as love is alive.

Who knows what might happen? I certainly cannot tell. Sometimes, goodbyes are essential constituents of a healthy relationship. For me, it does not evoke a feeling of doom and fear anymore. Instead, it brings to my mind the sense of continuity, stability and permanence, and change, transformation, and complete metamorphosis. Like the caterpillar transforming into a cocoon where it suffers in pain and agony, relationships also undergoes changes to test its strength. And it is up to us to emerge out of the pit of loneliness and desolation and fly as perfect and beautiful butterflies.

Relationships do not necessarily have to be perfect. Problems and trials are inevitable realities. Relationships are neither for the faint-hearted nor for the stubborn and close-minded. When you commit to one, make sure you’re strong enough to handle the dealings of it. Be prepared to get hurt. But be more prepared to learn. Cherish it and give it your 110%. For in the end, you are the only person who will harvest the fruits of your labor. And believe me, the fruit is in its sweetest in a relationship founded on genuine love, trust and self-sacrifice.

P.S. My boyfriend’s family is leaving this 4th of June. I’m asking for your prayers for their safe flight. Pray for me. I’m weak and feeble. But you need not worry, I will be fine… I will be.


Mr. Schizophrenic said...

i've been in this kind of situation and it hurts ... BIG TIME =(

i'll pray for their safe flight and i hope things would be ok for you =)

napadaan at naantig sa mga posts :)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

thanks mr. schizophrenic.

sometimes a sincere sympathy from someone who understands my grief can be really consoling.

you need not worry, things will be ok soon...