The Fear You Won't Fall

This is my attempt to breathe and reboot. =( I hope you will read this entry until the last line.

Unfortunate series of events is nothing novel in my life.

First, our landline crashed. Our phone wasn’t working (we have no dial tone) for the past weeks cozz some random worker from a waterworks facility accidentally damaged the “branch switch” (or whatever), and everybody in our street could not use their landline phones. The repairman from PLDT couldn’t even bring his ass in our place and check the “little box” to which I am seeing disconnected wires.

I could not set-up a working Wi-Fi connection at Starbucks with my laptop because:

1. I don’t know how to do it [I’m technologically incompetent];
2. The people at nearby Starbucks don’t know either;
3. There's something awry with my laptop [to which I doubt personally]; and;
4. There’s no Wi-Fi connection at the Starbucks branch that I frequent.

Anyways, I’m using an Internet facility in a remote hellhole, still on dial-up, but working nonetheless.

ENOUGH OF THAT.

Remember the last entry to which I have announced:

13) I have a scheduled surgery this October. And I’m kinda excited just thinking about it. No naughty thought please. This is serious...

The schedule is definite, and it is fast approaching. My surgery will be on Monday, October 9, 2006, at a reputable tertiary hospital to which I cannot disclose (or else, people close to me will find a way to watch my surgery, visit me in the ward, feast with my body while I’m butt-naked on the OR table, and even videotape the entire procedure). I’m keeping it as a secret as for now, but once everything’s done, I’ll tell you guys everything about the procedure, with the dirty details (and hopefully pictures) and all.

I’m not really afraid or apprehensive. In fact, I’m sooo excited with the thought of myself on that operating table with the entire surgical team that “I used to be a part of during my college years.” The picture of the pain I will be feeling while my spine is being injected with a 4-inch long spinal needle gives me such inexplicable euphoria and exhilaration. The sight of scalpels and Vicryl 4.0-T5 running through my skin and piercing my viscera makes me equally blissful. And lastly, the toot-tooting of the cardiac monitor, fizz-fizzing of the cautery-coagulation machine, and the whoosh-whooshing of endotracheal anesthesia delivery system gives my ears such a wonderful rhythm no song could ever surpass. I don’t know if I will be feeling this enthusiastic when the time of the surgery comes, but my optimism of it and its outcomes makes me less fearful of the unknown that I myself, could not anticipate or explain.

I’m asking you all (once again) for the prayers so that I will sail through through the operation without any complications. I know that the risks of bleeding, shock, sepsis or fulminant/massive infection, paralysis, respiratory arrest, meningitis, atelectasis or lung collapse, wound evisceration/splitting, coma, and even death, is possible with this type of operation, I’m still keeping my fingers crossed and I hope that I will be discharged as soon as possible. I hope that our fervent-est prayers to the Lord will be answered with my true, complete, holistic healing, in His time.

Thank you. I will be back “on air” as soon as my surgery is over and I’m completely out of danger. God bless and I love you all. I know that this phase will be just fleeting and me being extremely emotional is somewhat over-rated, but fear flows deep right from the bottom of my heart and this is just the real me trying to be string for my loved ones and for all of you as well.

Suddenly I was reminded of one Scrubs episode where I was deeply *moved* (more of that after the surgery), but Dr. Kelso’s words reverberate in my brain;

NOTHING IN THIS WORLD THAT’S WORTH HAVING COMES EASY.

Nothing worth having comes easy. And I couldn’t agree more.

I hope to be back.
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This is Ruff signing off.
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Goodbye.

(image from algolperseus.blogspot.com)

Chasing Cars

Disclaimer: This post is my first “I feel good” entry, and I’m kinda loving it. No heavy burdens stuff, no love problems thingie, no darned-up mumblings… just plain, clean fun. Hope you’ll enjoy reading it as much as I did.

The following are but few of the things that are boggling my unbearable existence as of the moment:

1) I had a little something done to me. And that something made me somewhat unfit for work (but only temporarily) for a few weeks methinks. And I’m kinda’ hating it.

2) I was preparing my application letter and my hefty, brawny and meaty curriculum vitae and I couldn’t think of any professor in my Alma Mater who will allow me to use their nomenclatures as my personal references. It’s not that they do not know me well, it’s just that my school is “pro-retake in the Nursing Boards,” while I have already applied for my license and had my oath already, and they’re not that happy, er, affirmative, of my decision.

3) I turned down yet another TV interview (ABS-CBN’s Magandang Umaga Pilipinas & Bandila) as a favor for my aversive parents. Now, TV stations hate me. They just do.

4) I googled my “complete name” and voila!!! 29 hits!!! I even found this wonderful site that published the speech I delivered last month in my Alma Mater. Since I do not read all the major broadsheets circulating in the metro, I never had the idea that my speeches will be published in some of them. The last one was published last August 12, and some minor revisions of grammar, etc. were done. Five sites mentioned my participation in an inter-collegiate competition, five sites mentioned my family lineage (?), four mentioned my name in their blogs, four sites listed my name as a Board Passer, three newspaper sites quoted my speeches, there were some random Alma Mater rosters, and a link from classmates dot com.

5) I’m unemployed and useless for the past 3 months now and I couldn’t get myself to being productive for god’s sakes. My daily routine = wake up, sip coffee, eat lunch, waste my entire afternoon watching DVDs, dinner, watch cable, midnight snack, sleep. Everyday. But I’m gradually changing the routine now; I’ve added “read nursing books” in between the activities listed beforehand.

6) I’m really addicted to these wonderful white pills to which I cannot explicitly name here. They’re narcotic analgesics and boy oh boy, they’re fun fun fun!!! But don’t get me wrong, they’re my prescription medications and I just love them. One minute you’re in excruciating pain, and the other, you could hop and skate and jump and surf all you want. I couldn’t imagine how happy the world would become when we are all addicted to pain medications. In my 3-years of hospital rounds, I have never seen doctors prescribe narcotic pain-killers to patients who deserve them. Like for instance, cancer, orthopedic, and terminally-ill patients who are in intense pain all their lives do not receive narcotics from the most prudent MDs. And what do they get? Mefenamic Acid, Paracetamol, Ibuprofen. Who were they kidding? Imagine a nail drilling in your brain, and all they prescribe was a freaking baby Aspirin? Come on, we could do better than that. Tramadol and Morphine? They’re God’s gift to man. Believe me.

7) I happen to visit this amazing, spectacular site, where you can upload your picture, they’ll match it with the celebrities listed in their database, and they’ll produce some sort of a collage matching the faces of celebrities who share the same face profile as yours. It was sooo fun. I tried uploading SEVERAL SEVERAL pictures of mine (of course, I deliberately blur them out), and I’m kinda happy, er, discontented, er, whatever with the results:




My first attempt produced 10 matching faces of WOMEN. Take note: WOMEN!!! I clicked “Gender: MALE” and f**k: NO MATCHES FOUND. How fun for me? I used a very recently taken photo and I never imagined that I look like a girl! I have friends commending me of my wonderful cheekbones, perfect eyes and sultry lips (eek) but no girly girly stuffs please. Haha.

I’m kinda pleased of my matches though:
Yael Bar Zohar – 75% (who is she?)
Zhang Ziyi – 74% (Do I look that fierce! Haha)
Kristine Hermosa – 72% (Do I really look perfect as a woman?)
Denise Richards – 72% (Another fierce lady)
Monica Bellucci – 71% (See I told you, I have the face of a Hollywood star!!)

I tried another photo, and here goes:


Another woman match!!!

So I concluded: seeing the faces in my Celebrity Look-alike profiles could give you, my readers, a very precise and exact idea of what I really look like. The higher the percentage score, the more the propensity to my actual appearance. Who knows, when you see a Zhang Ziyi—Kristine Hermosa—look-a-like man in a local mall, just utter “Ruff” and we might spend the entire day chatting and having fun. I’ll be back at the site later and fingers crossed, I’ll find a male match for god’s sakes!

8) Have everyone noticed how crisper the air is now? It’s barely 4-months to go before Christmas and I’m still broke. I’m now using my hard-earned money to pay for my cell phone and credit card bills, when I could use them to finance my date with my Man. I couldn’t even get to ask my Man for another dinner date at a formal restaurant this time. Our last Japanese dinner date was months months ago.

9) My relationship with my Man is still undefined. I don’t know if he’s such a really really good friend, or a very naïve boyfriend. Darn it. Forget it.

10) I’m literally drowning myself in seminars, and trainings, and workshops, and I’m kinda liking it. My last training was in Philippine Nurses Association and it was about Intravenous Therapy (IV insertion and stuffs) and it took me 3 attempts to successfully insert a freaking IV cannula into my partner’s vein! It’s sooo horrifying!! My partner (who is a good friend) is soo enraged her looks are still haunting me until now. I hope the preceptor will consider the effort and will send me my IV-License weeks from now.

11) I recently went to St. Luke’s for some check-ups, and that includes my routine proctosigmoidoscopy, culdocentesis, mammography and Papanicolau’s smear. Please don’t google those up. I beg of you.

12) Item # 11 is not true. Instead, I discovered that my frequent sniffles are not as benign as I thought they were. I had a very severe sinus infection and am seconds away from a possible meningeal infection (meningitis, or the inflammation of the coverings of the brain). I’m now on high-dose antibiotics, burning my kidneys and liver, and am no longer contagious as of the moment.

13) I have a scheduled surgery this October. And I’m kinda excited just thinking about it. No naughty thought please. This is serious. Wink wink. Period.

14) I have an invitation to come to Y-Speak (Studio 23) on Sunday (September 3, 7-8:30pm), and I’m contemplating on turning the invite down. Again. Ever. Wait… I’m going!!! I’ll be wearing (Orange Pique Polo Shirt) Lacoste Blue Pique Shirt and Polo Chinos in case you will be watching. Trust me on this: TV cameras tend to add pounds to my face and tummy, when I’m thin and emaciated in reality.

15) I’m really happy and proud of my Girl, Mel, for her successful life in Med School. I really wanted to enter Med School but my career opportunities (euphemism for “love of money and all things fabulous”) kinda get in the way. As my devil friend would say; “Why slave in med school when you can earn $45 per hour doing what you do best?” I’m so proud of my friend cause she took the road less taken and followed her heart’s dictates. You are my Meredith Grey!!! I’m so so so proud of you. Perhaps in like 4-5 years, you could be the one performing my colonic irrigations I fantasize sooo much about. Joke. Ano bang kukunin mong specialization Mel? As for me, its still not late though. Haha.

16) I searched Jobstreet for potential part-time jobs and I’m tempted into entering the Call Center/Medical Transcriptionist Industry. Another devil friend commented; “Soo, you’re becoming a callboy now?” Kidding aside, I have long feared that when I enter the call center thingie, my neurons all filled with medical/nursing stuff will waste and dissolve until they flow right down on my ears and nose, leaving a hollow, empty skull. No offense meant. My sincerest apologies. Any thoughts though?

17) It’s –ber month already and we all know that this is the worst time to be single. Imagine celebrating a loveless Christmas, nobody will kiss you under the plastic mistletoes, no one to hug you in the coldest wintry nights. I’m not in a rush though, I still have hopes for my Man.

18) I haven’t had er, lovin’ lovin for almost a year now. A few months more and it’s a year and a half. And I’ll leave it as it is.

19) I lost a few pounds thanks to some serious Taebo. I overcompensate the calories I lost from Taebo by munching on cholesterol-laden Steaks and Foie Gras, Chocolate Mousse, Venti Rhumba Frap, and Blueberry Cheesecakes. Everything’s well worth it, though.

20) I felt sad when Pluto was removed from the list of the major planets. It’s unfair. I wonder how sad creatures there felt when they were stripped off of their “planet-ly” status.

21) To all of you reading this, make your “unbearable thoughts” list too. Consider yourself tagged.

Advanced Merry Christmas to you all. Happy Holidays!!

Overkill

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications



Last last night (August 8, 2006) marks my debut primetime appearance on national television. It’s nothing alarming, really. In fact, it was more disturbing to some of my closest acquaintances and even to myself. Despite the very little bit of preparation, I managed to stay sane and sensible during the entire round of interview.

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

As most of you already knew, I passed the recently concluded Nurse Licensure Examinations. After four tortuous years of nursing school, battling and juggling tremendous personal and professional chores have come into fruition—and here I am now, with my BS Nursing diploma, guns blazing, ready to face my new life as a professional Registered Nurse. But with the recent leakage issues, everything comes to a halt.

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day



At first I wanted to take my hands off of the issues at hand. I’m the Switzerland of the nursing profession—neutral, unbiased, and impartial. But when I was invited to render a speech for the batch and the parents of my batch mates who, unfortunately, did not sail through through the exams, I was disheartened by my apathy and indifference. I rendered my speech, hoping I would be able to inspire the rest of my batch mates to fight for what is right and to speak up for the truth.

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

But I have no idea that the entire “issue” would be this big. My friends have advised me to take a neutral stand on this pressing issue. I still have poor insight regarding these things. I’m not against the retake stuff; on the other hand, I would be very delighted if some parts of the tests would be retaken, for in this manner, I would obtain higher scores then. But on further introspection, when I come to think of the tremendous physical and psychological efforts I would submit myself again into, fear suddenly grows in me. What if I fail during the retake? As a good friend would say, “would it be worth the squeeze?”

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day



Honestly, after the first day of the exams, I was so emotionally drained there is no way I could have made it past that day. It’s so damn difficult and tricky even I was surprised. The questions are so subjective, no amount of review, research or brainstorming could furnish you with the exact answers. And I couldn’t blame a lot of people for being unmoved with the issue, and I respect their decisions, I really do.

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Sometimes I ask myself if my involvement in this issue is worth my time and effort. At present, I’m so sick I couldn’t even move my fingers while typing this blog entry. I was advised to be on bed rest by my MD, forcing me to absent myself in the forum at school, and a “tentative” shooting with Ms. Korina Sanchez, Sen. R. Gordon, etc. at the ANC studio. I have flu, and an impending pneumonia. Perhaps if not for my physical limitations, I could have been there, advocating and doing what I do best. But I’m not that invincible, for I am human too.

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away



Sometimes I think it’s kind of overkill. I’m hoping everything turns okay in the end—the truth shall prevail and the sinners will be punished. And all I’m praying for is that the ghosts that appeared… will soon fade away.

A New Day Has Come

My contemptible negligence and (momentary) desertion of this humble sanctuary of mine had been in its zenith for the past few weeks. Now, I’m offering you my beloved friends, my sincerest and earnest apologies for my fleeting laxity, and am now please to inform you that I’m now back and running for some new rantings of my condescending mind.

As a fresh graduate, the pressures of passing the board examinations, consequently, of finding a new job, and theretofore, of earning my own profit, had taken its toll on my personal life. During our reviews for the past months, I had been neglectful of some people who are close to my heart, and that includes my Man, to whom I am very sorry. My second apology is for all of you who I’ve misled into the belief that I had my so-called “new significant other” I’ve chronicled during my last entry. That announcement was too premature and impetuous, even I, myself am surprised and I thought was injudicious. To make things short and simple, I am still single and unattached, but contented nonetheless.

June was such a nostalgic month for me. Last last week I celebrated my 20th birthday. My blogsite even celebrated its 1st year (okay, 1st year and a month). And it was 1 melancholic year ago since my Marco left me for the States.

For the past year, I hadn’t completely moved on. And it was still difficult letting him go without the hurts and the pains. But if there’s one decision in my life I’m proud of accomplishing, it was my choice of opening my heart again. I could wallow in self-pity asking what went wrong, or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and continue living. I’ve decided to pick the latter, and I am proud of myself for doing that. At present, though I know that I’m having a hard time trusting people again, I’m proud to say that I’ve already took the first steps, and am looking forward to the next.

The past year gave me my much needed peace of mind. The realizations that roused my weary consciousness was a bliss. In the midst of all the chaos and the turmoil that happened during the past, I’ve learned life lessons I’ll forever carry in my heart. That in the face of mediocrity and barrenness, the world never fails to show us that behind this imperfect world lays a beautiful one waiting to be discovered.

I was reminded of Lester Burnham’s narration in American Beauty: “… it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...”

There is so much beauty in this world, all we need to do… is to look closer.

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Maybe one of the reasons why I am afraid of doing things I deem necessary is that dreaded feeling of losing control. Maybe helplessness, pains and sufferings are parts of the normal fabric of the human life. “Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.” I learned my lessons the hardest way, and I fear that the same mistakes will again haunt me as a form of a cyclic karmic retribution and I’ll never be happy again.

Just kidding.

But I’m gradually moving on. Maybe if not for the sake of finding my significant other, but of finding the real sense innate in me. My past year was a recurrence of mistakes, errors, and fears, and I have submitted to the idea of never repeating them again. I have spent too much time thinking of my studies/career, of other person’s businesses, of my irrational fears of the future, and of so much more, that I have completely forgotten to take care of my self. I have a magnificent life to live and I will live it the way I want it to be—no reservations, no fears, and no worries. And eventually hoping, that I will finally be HAPPY.

Because sometimes the most important part of accomplishing something really close to your heart is to take the inevitable first step. Life is hard and it is difficult on purpose. “The first step”—it’s all that it takes. And when it’s all good and done, the view of the other side… is spectacular.

Somewhere Only We Know

I have a new love. And this one is different and new. I'm not in the liberty to disclose about it yet, but someday I promise I will.
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..
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"Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know?"
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PS. He's not the one on the picture above, and that ain't me either. Till then.

Darn

Darn.

I have never felt more fucked-up and confused since june last year.

My second entry this year will probably dwell on my relationships all filled with jerk and disarrays. I couldn’t even function perfectly with my present state of mind. Everything that’s running in my head are my frustrated and attempted takes on several relationships that are all beyond my contemptible comprehension, and I have never brought to full consummation despite my painstaking, tortuous attempts.

My ongoing relationship with my current significant other is nothing but plain complicated. All full of highs and lows my mind is filled with confusion and questions. We have been in this frigid courting stage for 4 months now and I still cannot decipher whether our relationship is going to the “friendship path” or the “happily ever after route.” Everyday I’m faced with the primordial questions: “Are we friends or lovers? What are we doing? What are we?” I feel so estranged with myself and I’m hating this vexing feeling. We go on dates, we feel comfortable in each other’s presence, we share our personal stories and sentiments, we go out in public, and yet I find it hard accepting the fact that our relationship is still undefined. In my mind I know that I love him, and I loved him from the start. Though my intentions had been misconstrued by some of my closest friends, still a lot of them know that my feelings are genuine and sincere. God knows it’s true.

I have said this line a long time ago… “I’m not selfish nor hard to please. I’m just a person with needs.” And I need this longing relationship to come into fruition. I’m done and tired with too much waiting. I’m a big man now. Tell me what your heart says. I can face the facts for God’s sakes. Tell me what you feel and I’ll be happy to go through mine. I’m too sick of too a many mixed signals. If you want to be with me, just tell me. Otherwise, let me bite my own bullet. I’m a self-professed masochist and I’m loving it.
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But something happened in an instant. I met someone new. And darn I think I’ve already fallen in love with him. To make matters darn complicated, this new beloved of mine is my own professor. Period.

Have I mentioned that my so-called “significant other” is my ex-boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend?

And both of them doesn’t know a thing? (or do they? This is still debatable.)

And could things be worse: I’m somewhat interested in my ex-boyfriend’s fuck buddy who is in already in a relationship with my personal acquaintance?

I hate this f***ing feeling I’m starting to puke and convulse each and every time these thoughts come running through my crazy mind. I badly need some help.

Or psychiatric evaluation perhaps?

I’m graduating this March and my relationships with special people around me are as vague and as blurred as that of the prognosis of an HIV-positive patient with stage IV metastatic leukemia.

In summary, it’s damned.

And I feel I am too.

I know that if I let this vicious feeling dominate my sanity the place that is left for me will either be in a neurotic asylum or in a filthy dump. God forbids. I don’t want to lose my significant other. I have fought insurmountable odds just to know him personally, for him to notice me, for this relationship to happen. I’m not willing to waste my efforts. I deserve the fruits of my labor. I deserve something here. And I deserve nothing less.

This entry is just the tip of a very freezing iceberg in this glacial microcosm of my repressed emotions. And I know that some of my friends / co-bloggers / strangers / spectators will be more than willing to judge me. I’m judged upon by too many people in this lifetime. If hurtful judgments could cut, I’d be dead by now. But this is me. And though I hate myself sometimes, all I could do is pick the broken pieces of me so that I can present a façade to confront all of my real ghosts.

What I have learned? It is possible for a new love (or a new person) to ruin a long-existent fortress built on fragile foundations and breakable walls. A single blow can topple everything. What is left are crumbles of pains and regrets that will struck your heart like cactus thorns and daggers. Haunting you ‘till time immemorial.

And there
will always be
one thing
left unsaid:

Darn.


P.S. This entry will only be posted in a dew days and will be deleted thereafter. The people involved might read my chronicles and I’d be a dead man by then.

I couldn’t help but recall Janet’s lines: “How can I be strong I’ve asked myself time and time I’ve said that I’ll never fall in love with you again… Kinda’ late in the game and my heart is in your hands. Don’t you stand there and then tell me you love me then leave again… Cause I’m falling in love with you again.”

No Turning Back

“We’re a year older, but none the wiser,” uttered the sage in me. I have been meaning to post an entry on my life lessons for the bygone year, but it would be too late to do so, and perhaps, it would be too scanty to fill a paragraph or two. So instead, I have decided to make this post as short, but as substantial for the despicable me.

This, methinks, is my first genuine post of gratitude. I have decided that before I commence my yearlong ramblings of must-have-been’s and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s, I would like to take this precious opportunity for thanking all the people who have made the year that was 2005, a very meaningful one for me and my soul.

To my loving family, for always bringing out the best in me. I can’t imagine myself living the reality I’m living in without such wonderful souls who make me feel loved despite all my flaws and imperfections. To my friends who understand and respect me unconditionally no matter how flawed, unpredictable, and neurotic I am. Thanks for guiding me, encouraging me, challenging me, loving me, and accepting the real me. To my blog friends, for always listening to my rants and whimpers. For being with me in “spirit” and teaching me life lessons I will cherish every moment of my precious, little life. To my Significant Other, for inspiring me to be and to do the best that I can be. For pushing me to the limits my “height, might and soul” can reach. For making me realize that no matter how arid and miserable my life had become, I have a streak of light and hope in your presence. That our love is enough for us to survive.















(with a good friend, at medicine building, ust)


To all of the souls who have touched my life and made me a better man, I am forever indebted. My sincerest gratitude to each and every one of you.

Let’s start this year anew with rays of eternal hope, faith, and love in our hearts and souls. That we may realize, that in this life, there is no turning back. Cause in the end, only kindness matter. Till we meet again…
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