Monday, February 02, 2009

I'm Not Dead

“And I was never looking for approval from anyone but you
And though this journey is over I'll go back if you ask me to…”

I used to believe that my greatest fear in life is dying, especially, dying alone.

But in the midst of living, and working in a place where death is as common as a thought, facing death has been the norm rather than the exception.

Every time a patient’s heart stops, a chain reaction of activating a code, rummaging the emergency kart for cardiac drugs, pumping the chest and shocking the heart has been our second nature. So much that almost everything has been routinely impregnated in our systems. In 30 minutes we stop, or in some instances, when our muscles still can permit, we allow 15 more.

Whoever said that running a code blue is so cinematic and surreal must be seriously absurd.

I have seen death several times and at most of these times, facing it has never been easy for my part.

As medical professionals, life is what we protect at all times. We may have different values towards it, different views, opinions, and outlook on it, but in every chance that we got, we have learned how to protect it at all costs.

Because we cherish its brevity. How transient it could be. One moment you’re someone else’s son, someone else’s mother, someone else’s special loved one, and the next thing you might just be the cadaver I’m wrapping up in a shroud.

When burnout sets in, I couldn’t help but contemplate on whether I should volunteer myself to the hospital’s pediatric wing, or in the nursery where life abounds and everything is sweet and cuddly. But then reality slaps me back where I’m supposed to be. No matter where I go, people will die. People are going to die. And life begins anew.

Maybe it’s for this reason that I have begun to realize one of the most important things in life.

That life is what we make of it.

As the old saying goes, “Yes, we can't do anything about the length of our lives, but we can do something about its width and depth."

And sometimes.

Yes, sometimes.

It’s all so comforting.

“I’m not dead just floating
I'm not scared just changing
You're my crack of sunlight yeah…”

Images from Flickr, I’m Not Dead by Pink.


fruityoaty said...

I've never understood that obsession for eternal youth. I definitely do not want to live forever. There is a beginning and end to everything.

lucas said...

hays... i feel for you. death is everywhere, and constant.

medical profesionals have opportunities to see death in whole new different way. no wonder strong will and spirit are required.

Mac Callister said...

i've seen death almost everyday nung nagwowork ako sa respioratory therapist I was the one doing the CPR and dati naiiyak pa ko kapag hagulhol na mga relative but now its so ordinary na for me...

dabo said...

ayon sa nabasa ko, ang concept ng death is dependent sa society, before daw, sa western world ang mga tao ay di takot mamatay or most likely sa patay. becasue they've been exposed to it all the time.

at ang mga namamatay ay nasa loob ng bahay, kaya kahit bata ay alam ang ganitong pangyayari.

in fact, uso noon ang magpapa-picture muna ang buong pamilya at kasama ang bangkay ng kanilang mahal sa buhay.

pero dahil sa advent ng modern medicine at sanitation..medyo nagbago na ang mundo at ang view ng mga tao when it comes to death.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@fruityoaty: who waits forever anyway?

@lucas: i think that's the reason why i have learned to befriend him.

@mac calister: the amazing part? i still do cry sometimes.

@dabo: cf. my i'll be home for christmas post (12/2007).

Yffar (^^,) said...


I am from The Rainbow Bloggers Philippines and we are inviting you to
visit our website

This is a collective effort of several Filipino bloggers located both
here in the Philippines and abroad. We feature articles such as news,
events, and literary genres.

Please patronize our very own LGBT Filipino Blog. Comment on the post
and feel free to express your thoughts and opinions.

If you happened to be a blogger and you want to join our writers
circle, just email us with your Name, Blog URL, Blog Title, and Blog
Email to

You can also add our friendster account:

Make it a habit to visit

Thank you and have a nice day!

Yours Truly,
RBP Marketing and Membership Team

Anonymous said...

Hello. Tagal nawawala ni nurse ruff. :)

KC said...

Those are nice insights regarding death. :)

Whenever I see someone dying, I usually feel sorry for them because I know that they can still do something more for this world. However death is inevitable and we should be open to the fact that we have a limited time in this world.

Anonymous said...

we only have one life and we don't even know if we'll be given another chance. life is short, a popular cliche, so give love to everyone and it shall come back to you. everything here on planet earth moves in a cycle, if someone dies another life is born. just the way if feel sad today, someone is in search for us to make us smile again.

happy puso ruff!

kalansaycollector said...

takot akong mamatay ng maaga. but parang mas natatakot yata akong tumanda... hay.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@yffar: thank you. sure will do.

@bino/geno: blame hospital chores. d*$%. :-)

@kc: would it be wrong to admit that there are times when i actually pray for death to come early?

@icka: amen to that. it's the circle of life.

@kalansay: i would rather die than grow old. hahaha. :-)

oakleyses said...

prada outlet, replica watches, nike roshe, ugg boots, louis vuitton, louis vuitton, polo ralph lauren, jordan pas cher, longchamp outlet, longchamp outlet, oakley sunglasses, longchamp outlet, christian louboutin shoes, louboutin pas cher, prada handbags, ray ban sunglasses, christian louboutin outlet, chanel handbags, ray ban sunglasses, polo outlet, nike air max, nike free run, oakley sunglasses wholesale, cheap oakley sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, tiffany jewelry, nike outlet, longchamp pas cher, louis vuitton outlet, nike free, kate spade outlet, air max, oakley sunglasses, gucci handbags, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, burberry pas cher, sac longchamp pas cher, tiffany and co, christian louboutin, louis vuitton outlet, jordan shoes, nike air max, tory burch outlet, christian louboutin uk, michael kors pas cher, ray ban sunglasses, replica watches

oakleyses said...

new balance, timberland pas cher, nike roshe run uk, converse pas cher, michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet, hollister pas cher, polo lacoste, coach purses, nike tn, nike air force, true religion outlet, sac hermes, michael kors outlet, nike air max, michael kors, michael kors outlet, nike blazer pas cher, true religion jeans, coach outlet store online, lululemon canada, nike air max uk, burberry handbags, michael kors, ray ban pas cher, uggs outlet, true religion outlet, north face uk, coach outlet, abercrombie and fitch uk, michael kors outlet online, ralph lauren uk, guess pas cher, kate spade, mulberry uk, michael kors outlet online, ray ban uk, vans pas cher, hollister uk, nike free uk, sac vanessa bruno, uggs outlet, replica handbags, burberry outlet, hogan outlet, north face, oakley pas cher, michael kors outlet online, nike air max uk

oakleyses said...

herve leger, valentino shoes, hollister, nike trainers uk, longchamp uk, iphone cases, mont blanc pens, ghd hair, nike air max, jimmy choo outlet, converse, converse outlet, insanity workout, lancel, beats by dre, nike air max, ralph lauren, mac cosmetics, mcm handbags, oakley, hollister clothing, nike huaraches, nike roshe run, asics running shoes, reebok outlet, timberland boots, vans outlet, ray ban, hermes belt, north face outlet, celine handbags, north face outlet, louboutin, instyler, gucci, abercrombie and fitch, baseball bats, chi flat iron, p90x workout, lululemon, bottega veneta, soccer shoes, soccer jerseys, nfl jerseys, hollister, babyliss, wedding dresses, vans, ferragamo shoes, new balance shoes

oakleyses said...

ugg uk, doudoune moncler, canada goose uk, louis vuitton, moncler outlet, canada goose, pandora jewelry, canada goose jackets, canada goose outlet, hollister, supra shoes, canada goose outlet, ugg pas cher, moncler, links of london, canada goose, louis vuitton, replica watches, juicy couture outlet, montre pas cher, pandora jewelry, wedding dresses, moncler, canada goose, juicy couture outlet, louis vuitton, pandora uk, pandora charms, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, moncler, moncler outlet, swarovski crystal, louis vuitton, louis vuitton, karen millen uk, swarovski, coach outlet, ugg, moncler, thomas sabo, moncler uk, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, marc jacobs, canada goose outlet, toms shoes