Monday, August 01, 2005

A New Beginning

After weeks of grueling tasks of hospital rounds, nursing lecture classes, doing undergrad research thesis, and preparing for the feared periodic and oral examinations, complicated by a gross self-disorientation and an inevitable emotional disarray and breakdown, last Friday’s all night out provided a breather, or at least a buffer, to my neurotic borderline life.

With my self-proclaimed dissuasion to engage in any intimate personal contact with complete strangers of all sort, I avoided at most any circumstance that might expose myself to the world. I eschewed all the invitations from my closest acquaintances, from coffee breaks to flirting with men. I kept my exposure to the minimum. My life evolved from hospitals, to my college, and to my house, and occasionally, to this local bar (1611) where I spend my weekends with some close friends.

When my good girl friend asked my affirmation to come to her “breather party,” I vehemently refused without any consideration for my part. It’s not that I hate socializing with people; it’s just that I have no motivation or enthusiasm to come. Added to the fact that my parents might not approve of it, particularly my mom who has the incessant enjoyment of deliberately calling my friends just to know my whereabouts. But as the day of implementation approaches, I developed the gusto to come, and eventually to leave my hermetic life and spend some quality time with the living.

Admittedly, Makati is not my crowd; I would’ve enjoyed things better if we were in Malate or at Government in particular. Greenbelt used to be that same old, same old place where eternal chitchatting and meeting artificial ostentatious people abounds like cocktails in a bar. Conversely, GB has changed since my last visit quite a few months ago. It had become a totally novel place, an alcove where candor and realism is possible, where people are breathing more or less in an honest space, in a place of sheer lucidity amidst the mist hazy with smoke of uncertainty.

I was able to meet new friends in the bar we went into (Temple). Never in my mind have I thought of myself as attractive, or likable at least, but as some men approach me and stayed with me even for a little while, I developed a positive self-regard. It’s as if I felt accepted even for some little borrowed time. A precious little stretch of time where it almost feels like it had been forever.

Then it dawned on me, I miss the feeling of being appreciated and liked, things I lacked when I broke up with my significant other. Even for such little time, I was fulfilled of that need. And it felt good. And it even took a stranger I knew nothing of to enlighten me of my lacking.

All this time, this is what I failed to notice—that I can find affirmation and hope even in the most insignificant, trivial places. There is optimism behind the blinding lights of the darkest bars. Hope flourishes even in the most desolate, barren alleys. There is truthfulness amidst the crowd teeming with people wearing masks and fa├žades. Because as always, it is what in the inside that matters. And what is outside is not always what it seems.

As we went home, I was left contemplating with what might have happened if I didn’t come. Perhaps the party might not be as happy as it was, or it might have ended in an earlier time. Yet in my mind, I felt extremely grateful to the wonderful souls who made me believe that life is still beautiful. There is still more to life than all the bitterness and lies. That behind the darkness and hopelessness lays a streak of light radiating its luminous resplendence predestined to envelop the gloom.

Maybe it’s the spark of optimism or it’s my conscious effort that I have willingly decided to just let go. All this time, I was shrouded with the pains and regrets of my failed relationship with Marco, but through the help of my loved ones, I was able to emerge from my self-created pit of loneliness and despair. I am now moving on. And I have let go completely. And what is left in my heart is the eternal hope and faith that somehow in this crazy twist of fate, I will find the predestined someone who will share with the journey of my life. A journey towards eternal love and happiness, starting with me, towards a new beginning.

14 comments:

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks so much Bing.

One more thing i've learned... sometimes, there's just no turning back..

I'm still fighting Bing.. I'll forever be.

Mozza said...

That's a very inspiring post. It makes me happy that you're getting on the bright side of life, after some time in darkness. You grew stronger.

Your mother calls your friends to know your whereabouts?!

Mel said...

I didnt enjoy temple very much. Tinalbugan ako ni Eunice eh. ahhaha. Plus, I cant dance, pero I really enjoyed your group's company. Lalo na yung sayo. Loved your shirt. Btw, di ko nabalitaan ung sa inyo ni Marco ah. Nwei, Im still here for you, as always.:-)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks for the sympathy Mozza. After my broke-up with my ex, I was so devastated I’m literally in my rock-bottom. I can’t seem to get over the fact that despite my utmost efforts to fight for the relationship I fully committed in to, it felt like as if I’m in a losing battle, and like many relationships I take part in to, it is destined for damnation.

I have been to too many heartaches in my life and with all these experiences come real valuable lessons in life. It’s as if I’m learning all of my lessons the hardest way. But when I come to think about it, these mistakes are what helped me shape my fate. They made me realize that I can be strong despite my weaknesses and resilient in the face of my imperfections.

One thing I learned from this relationship, which I hold true with all of my past ones, is that we should give our 110% to make it work, and if not, it is just prudent to let go and move on with your life. I have contemplated whether it is wise to follow him in the foreign land but with my lack of resources (time, opportunity, etc.), it would just be futile. Perhaps we will meet again, at the right time, at the right place, and in the perfect opportunity, only God knows. And till then we can start things anew. But for the moment, I have a fabulous life to be lived fabulously, and I have all the love in the world to be cherished and enjoyed.

I’m happy that you’ll be reunited with your loved one real soon. It’s really nice that I knew/met someone whose happiness is within his grasp. It fills my heart with pleasure and optimism. Thoughts like these never fail to inspire me to move on with my life. You have your happiness with your SO and I have my peace of mind. What more could we possibly ask for?

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Hey mel! In all honesty, isa ka sa mga pinaka-magandang girl na nakita ko that night! Remember the show “The Swan?” Kabog mo silang lahat ever (minus the cosmetic surgeries).

I guess it’s because of the grave scarcity of time/opportunity that I wasn’t able to make an entry about our break-up. Call it wrong timing, but we had our informal break-up last July 19, the day prior to our monthly exams (and coinciding with my Mom’s birthday). It was a mixed-bag of emotions (and its as if I’m in the verge of losing my sanity).

On one hand, our parting was indeed sad; but on the other, it was an emancipating experience for me (a la Emancipation of Mimi). I no longer have to worry about a lot of things, and I now have all the time and effort for myself, my family and friends, and my studies. Thanks to Sertraline, I survived the first traumatic post-break-up weeks with ease and comfort.

At present, I’m now moving on. It is through wonderful souls like you, Mel, and Mozza, and Bing, and many many more whose names I can no longer recall, that I was able to mend myself and reorganize my life. Another chapter of our lives just ended, and it is only rightful to start a new one with lots of love and happiness we so dearly deserve!

Cheers Mel! To happiness and unconditional love…

Mr. Schizophrenic said...

I'm glad that you're able to move on now =)

Sya nga pala, salamat sa prayer mo for my safe trip. Andito na ako opis ngayon =)

balikbayan_box said...

Life is a never ending battle so they say. Experience teaches us and makes us of who we are.

Letting go and moving on is something im still learning how to master in this life hehehe

just passing by from Ate Bing blog (warmstone)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

thanks mr. scheez!

ive thought of that "moving on" and "letting go" decision for quite a very long time, though i'm just a bit skeptical regarding the "implementation" part. but through conviction and undying support from people like you who continuously inspire me and make me feel important and appreciated, i believe that i made the right decision and i'm proud to say that i'm coping well with the consequences of my actions. sabi nga sa text, "cause in life, there are no rewinds, only play... and all you have to do is to play and live it well.."

im happy for your safe return! ;)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

hi balikbayan_box! thanks for the visit!

true, life is a battlefield, and every quest is worth fighting (and dying) for. the past few months had been a very wild ride for me and letting go of someone i love the most proves to be the hardest one to carry. i was made to believe that the real test of love is holding on faithfully to the one you cherish, when in fact, it is letting go of the one you love without the grudges and regrets. because at times, you really just have to live and let go.. and you just have to accept the fact that certain things are just not meant to be.. no matter how hard it seems, reality has its way of teaching us valuable lessons worth keeping in our hearts..

be wise and strong. know when to hold on but know better when it is wise to just let go..

to true love and genuine happiness!

badinggerzie said...

so? is this it? is this really really it . . . .

ganyan lang .

expose yourself . . . .

malay mo . . . .

da vah?

always be fabulous . . . remember.

mwah!

crishuron9758 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
icarus said...

great! guess someone's gonna paint the town pink, too.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

hi bernadette!!!

i'd love to extend my heartfelt appreciations to you, my friend, for the inspiration, encouragements and sincere wishes for my happiness.

in my heart are genuine hopes that i can now move on with my life. what is inevitable is that i can't seem to leave my excess baggages behind without leaving a part of me in those darkest alleys. but as what i have said, those memories have become great part of my existence and my present life would've never been this fabulous without the lessons ive learned from all those failures!!

to genuine love and happiness!

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

hi rony!

let's paint the town pink and love again. as the cliche goes, the best balm to a hurting heart is to love more, give more, offer more. my sincerest hopes of great love to your birthday...