Monday, February 27, 2006

Darn

Darn.

I have never felt more fucked-up and confused since june last year.


My second entry this year will probably dwell on my relationships all filled with jerk and disarrays. I couldn’t even function perfectly with my present state of mind. Everything that’s running in my head are my frustrated and attempted takes on several relationships that are all beyond my contemptible comprehension, and I have never brought to full consummation despite my painstaking, tortuous attempts.

My ongoing relationship with my current significant other is nothing but plain complicated. All full of highs and lows my mind is filled with confusion and questions. We have been in this frigid courting stage for 4 months now and I still cannot decipher whether our relationship is going to the “friendship path” or the “happily ever after route.” Everyday I’m faced with the primordial questions: “Are we friends or lovers? What are we doing? What are we?” I feel so estranged with myself and I’m hating this vexing feeling. We go on dates, we feel comfortable in each other’s presence, we share our personal stories and sentiments, we go out in public, and yet I find it hard accepting the fact that our relationship is still undefined. In my mind I know that I love him, and I loved him from the start. Though my intentions had been misconstrued by some of my closest friends, still a lot of them know that my feelings are genuine and sincere. God knows it’s true.

I have said this line a long time ago… “I’m not selfish nor hard to please. I’m just a person with needs.” And I need this longing relationship to come into fruition. I’m done and tired with too much waiting. I’m a big man now. Tell me what your heart says. I can face the facts for God’s sakes. Tell me what you feel and I’ll be happy to go through mine. I’m too sick of too a many mixed signals. If you want to be with me, just tell me. Otherwise, let me bite my own bullet. I’m a self-professed masochist and I’m loving it.
.
.
.
But something happened in an instant. I met someone new. And darn I think I’ve already fallen in love with him. To make matters darn complicated, this new beloved of mine is my own professor. Period.

Have I mentioned that my so-called “significant other” is my ex-boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend?

And both of them doesn’t know a thing? (or do they? This is still debatable.)

And could things be worse: I’m somewhat interested in my ex-boyfriend’s fuck buddy who is in already in a relationship with my personal acquaintance?

I hate this f***ing feeling I’m starting to puke and convulse each and every time these thoughts come running through my crazy mind. I badly need some help.

Or psychiatric evaluation perhaps?

I’m graduating this March and my relationships with special people around me are as vague and as blurred as that of the prognosis of an HIV-positive patient with stage IV metastatic leukemia.

In summary, it’s damned.

And I feel I am too.

I know that if I let this vicious feeling dominate my sanity the place that is left for me will either be in a neurotic asylum or in a filthy dump. God forbids. I don’t want to lose my significant other. I have fought insurmountable odds just to know him personally, for him to notice me, for this relationship to happen. I’m not willing to waste my efforts. I deserve the fruits of my labor. I deserve something here. And I deserve nothing less.

This entry is just the tip of a very freezing iceberg in this glacial microcosm of my repressed emotions. And I know that some of my friends / co-bloggers / strangers / spectators will be more than willing to judge me. I’m judged upon by too many people in this lifetime. If hurtful judgments could cut, I’d be dead by now. But this is me. And though I hate myself sometimes, all I could do is pick the broken pieces of me so that I can present a fa├žade to confront all of my real ghosts.

What I have learned? It is possible for a new love (or a new person) to ruin a long-existent fortress built on fragile foundations and breakable walls. A single blow can topple everything. What is left are crumbles of pains and regrets that will struck your heart like cactus thorns and daggers. Haunting you ‘till time immemorial.

And there
will always be
one thing
left unsaid:

Darn.


P.S. This entry will only be posted in a dew days and will be deleted thereafter. The people involved might read my chronicles and I’d be a dead man by then.

I couldn’t help but recall Janet’s lines: “How can I be strong I’ve asked myself time and time I’ve said that I’ll never fall in love with you again… Kinda’ late in the game and my heart is in your hands. Don’t you stand there and then tell me you love me then leave again… Cause I’m falling in love with you again.”

12 comments:

guile said...

cheer up.. go watch a pixar movie :).. or maybe not..

Mr. Schizophrenic said...

All I can say right now is ... advanced happy graduation dahlen =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

guile:

haha! that's nice. thanks guile for your support and inspiration.

I’m in this “unbearable lightness” of being and I can barely stand it. I have so much fears and reservations in giving my heart to this man cause I do not want it to get wounded anymore. Fear grows in my heart; fear of loving, fear of losing, fear of an unreciprocated love, and fear of falling into another abyssal cycle of loving and losing and ending up as a fighter with nothing left for himself but the wounds and the scars of failures and disappointments.

When I come into thinking of the many people who have successfully fought for their personal relationship battles, I couldn’t help but feel happy for them and to admire them for their strength and determination. I envy them cause I’m not like them, I’m not that strong, and darn, I don’t know how to become them. But this is my life and this is me.

As Jewel states: “And I will not worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. I won't be made useless, I won't be idle with despair, I will gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness most fear.”

How perfect could she get..

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

mr sceez:

Thanks Mr. Scheez!! Can you believe it? I’m just 1 week shy of being a full-pledged nurse! Haha. Recently, I delivered my farewell address to my college and it’s simply bittersweet. Ganun pala yung feeling ‘pag alam mo na that the end is nearing and you can’t do a thing to halt or stop it. Nevertheless, I’m extremely happy cause I know that there’s a lot in store for me and my unbearable existence after this phase. Who knows, destiny might pave the way for all of us to meet and co-exist together some time. And I’ll be thankful if that happens.

By the way, I really admire your passion for your job/work/vocation/calling/profession. I wish I can have your energy and enthusiasm when it will be my turn to do so.

Thank you Mr. Scheez. Hope we can meet soon. :)

Ken Lee said...

damn undefined relationships. been caught in one myself. it's emotional suicide.

allan said...

interesting blog... congrats anyway... link exchange?

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks for the visit, ken lee. ;)

The worst thing about undefined relationship is that you have no way/manner/means by which you can get the reassurance of the existence of a true love from your own partner. Sometimes, what hurts is that you keep on believing and insisting that something substantial is going on but your partner thinks otherwise, or does not even really think of it AT ALL. You wind up losing everything, including your sanity, self-respect, and ego integrity, and the trust in almost every individual you will eventually fall in to in the future.

Popular psychology dictates that all of our future relationships depend on our first successful attempt to it. In that case, mine's was not perfect, but not mediocre i presume. I wonder what my future ones would be..

Just a thought...

And an emotional suicide (or physical, god forbids) MUST not be an option.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Hope you've enjoyed your stay agc_dlsu! =)

My sincerest appreciations to your well-wishes! Gulp. For once I thought that all of my pent-up emotions will only remain in my sanity and burst into nothingness up until this silly blog of mine came along. And so far, i think its going pretty well. I'm in no hurry to run/consult/be admitted in my mental asylum for my impending bouts of psychiatric breakdown. It had kept me sane until who knows when.

But for now, I know its time to go back to reality. And ZAP, i'll be gone..

Ken Lee said...

i fixed mine yesterday. it was a nice birthday gift. :-)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

That’s a perfect birthday gift, I believe. As for my case, I’m still trying to pick up the fragmented pieces of our “so-called” relationship. Despite our lack of emotional commitment, I still have the gut-feel that this relationship might work out “if” we (or I, or he) decided to pursue it, but I’m not confident enough to gamble my emotions in this game of chance. I’m kinda proud to say that I still haven’t succumbed to the temptations of the flesh despite the overwhelming lures and enticements, and hopefully I won’t give in. But I’m still a person with needs, and though some of them are still unfulfilled, I’m nonetheless fighting to give “my Man” the chance to satisfy mine’s.
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And I’ll be ecstatic, overjoyed, and in extreme euphoria when that happens.

demiguin said...

Hey! It's been a while since I last visited your blog. Hehe. It's funny how we both seem to live double lives. I mean I see you almost everyday, but I wouldnt know the extent of your admiration for this new person. I mean really. hehe. See you around hun. :-)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks mel. I'm still surprised when I get to see myself on the perspective of a close friend like you. It got me to thinking that I can never escape my personal ghosts by being somebody I am not or I dont know. Its in people like you that I get to see myself better, and I'm grateful for that.

I'm acting kinda weird lately and I'm sure you've noticed that already. I'm so emotionally labile and unstable! I can't seem to control my passions, my emotions, my actions, and even my reactions to the overwhelming events in this damn f**king life! I love to think that this is only a fleeting situational crisis and it'll resolve as soon as i reorganize myself. But when will that time be? I hope things are not yet too late.

And as for our usual mantra: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!"