Darn

Darn.

I have never felt more fucked-up and confused since june last year.

My second entry this year will probably dwell on my relationships all filled with jerk and disarrays. I couldn’t even function perfectly with my present state of mind. Everything that’s running in my head are my frustrated and attempted takes on several relationships that are all beyond my contemptible comprehension, and I have never brought to full consummation despite my painstaking, tortuous attempts.

My ongoing relationship with my current significant other is nothing but plain complicated. All full of highs and lows my mind is filled with confusion and questions. We have been in this frigid courting stage for 4 months now and I still cannot decipher whether our relationship is going to the “friendship path” or the “happily ever after route.” Everyday I’m faced with the primordial questions: “Are we friends or lovers? What are we doing? What are we?” I feel so estranged with myself and I’m hating this vexing feeling. We go on dates, we feel comfortable in each other’s presence, we share our personal stories and sentiments, we go out in public, and yet I find it hard accepting the fact that our relationship is still undefined. In my mind I know that I love him, and I loved him from the start. Though my intentions had been misconstrued by some of my closest friends, still a lot of them know that my feelings are genuine and sincere. God knows it’s true.

I have said this line a long time ago… “I’m not selfish nor hard to please. I’m just a person with needs.” And I need this longing relationship to come into fruition. I’m done and tired with too much waiting. I’m a big man now. Tell me what your heart says. I can face the facts for God’s sakes. Tell me what you feel and I’ll be happy to go through mine. I’m too sick of too a many mixed signals. If you want to be with me, just tell me. Otherwise, let me bite my own bullet. I’m a self-professed masochist and I’m loving it.
.
.
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But something happened in an instant. I met someone new. And darn I think I’ve already fallen in love with him. To make matters darn complicated, this new beloved of mine is my own professor. Period.

Have I mentioned that my so-called “significant other” is my ex-boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend?

And both of them doesn’t know a thing? (or do they? This is still debatable.)

And could things be worse: I’m somewhat interested in my ex-boyfriend’s fuck buddy who is in already in a relationship with my personal acquaintance?

I hate this f***ing feeling I’m starting to puke and convulse each and every time these thoughts come running through my crazy mind. I badly need some help.

Or psychiatric evaluation perhaps?

I’m graduating this March and my relationships with special people around me are as vague and as blurred as that of the prognosis of an HIV-positive patient with stage IV metastatic leukemia.

In summary, it’s damned.

And I feel I am too.

I know that if I let this vicious feeling dominate my sanity the place that is left for me will either be in a neurotic asylum or in a filthy dump. God forbids. I don’t want to lose my significant other. I have fought insurmountable odds just to know him personally, for him to notice me, for this relationship to happen. I’m not willing to waste my efforts. I deserve the fruits of my labor. I deserve something here. And I deserve nothing less.

This entry is just the tip of a very freezing iceberg in this glacial microcosm of my repressed emotions. And I know that some of my friends / co-bloggers / strangers / spectators will be more than willing to judge me. I’m judged upon by too many people in this lifetime. If hurtful judgments could cut, I’d be dead by now. But this is me. And though I hate myself sometimes, all I could do is pick the broken pieces of me so that I can present a façade to confront all of my real ghosts.

What I have learned? It is possible for a new love (or a new person) to ruin a long-existent fortress built on fragile foundations and breakable walls. A single blow can topple everything. What is left are crumbles of pains and regrets that will struck your heart like cactus thorns and daggers. Haunting you ‘till time immemorial.

And there
will always be
one thing
left unsaid:

Darn.


P.S. This entry will only be posted in a dew days and will be deleted thereafter. The people involved might read my chronicles and I’d be a dead man by then.

I couldn’t help but recall Janet’s lines: “How can I be strong I’ve asked myself time and time I’ve said that I’ll never fall in love with you again… Kinda’ late in the game and my heart is in your hands. Don’t you stand there and then tell me you love me then leave again… Cause I’m falling in love with you again.”