Friday, October 06, 2006

The Fear You Won't Fall

This is my attempt to breathe and reboot. =( I hope you will read this entry until the last line.

Unfortunate series of events is nothing novel in my life.

First, our landline crashed. Our phone wasn’t working (we have no dial tone) for the past weeks cozz some random worker from a waterworks facility accidentally damaged the “branch switch” (or whatever), and everybody in our street could not use their landline phones. The repairman from PLDT couldn’t even bring his ass in our place and check the “little box” to which I am seeing disconnected wires.

I could not set-up a working Wi-Fi connection at Starbucks with my laptop because:

1. I don’t know how to do it [I’m technologically incompetent];
2. The people at nearby Starbucks don’t know either;
3. There's something awry with my laptop [to which I doubt personally]; and;
4. There’s no Wi-Fi connection at the Starbucks branch that I frequent.

Anyways, I’m using an Internet facility in a remote hellhole, still on dial-up, but working nonetheless.

ENOUGH OF THAT.

Remember the last entry to which I have announced:

13) I have a scheduled surgery this October. And I’m kinda excited just thinking about it. No naughty thought please. This is serious...

The schedule is definite, and it is fast approaching. My surgery will be on Monday, October 9, 2006, at a reputable tertiary hospital to which I cannot disclose (or else, people close to me will find a way to watch my surgery, visit me in the ward, feast with my body while I’m butt-naked on the OR table, and even videotape the entire procedure). I’m keeping it as a secret as for now, but once everything’s done, I’ll tell you guys everything about the procedure, with the dirty details (and hopefully pictures) and all.

I’m not really afraid or apprehensive. In fact, I’m sooo excited with the thought of myself on that operating table with the entire surgical team that “I used to be a part of during my college years.” The picture of the pain I will be feeling while my spine is being injected with a 4-inch long spinal needle gives me such inexplicable euphoria and exhilaration. The sight of scalpels and Vicryl 4.0-T5 running through my skin and piercing my viscera makes me equally blissful. And lastly, the toot-tooting of the cardiac monitor, fizz-fizzing of the cautery-coagulation machine, and the whoosh-whooshing of endotracheal anesthesia delivery system gives my ears such a wonderful rhythm no song could ever surpass. I don’t know if I will be feeling this enthusiastic when the time of the surgery comes, but my optimism of it and its outcomes makes me less fearful of the unknown that I myself, could not anticipate or explain.

I’m asking you all (once again) for the prayers so that I will sail through through the operation without any complications. I know that the risks of bleeding, shock, sepsis or fulminant/massive infection, paralysis, respiratory arrest, meningitis, atelectasis or lung collapse, wound evisceration/splitting, coma, and even death, is possible with this type of operation, I’m still keeping my fingers crossed and I hope that I will be discharged as soon as possible. I hope that our fervent-est prayers to the Lord will be answered with my true, complete, holistic healing, in His time.

Thank you. I will be back “on air” as soon as my surgery is over and I’m completely out of danger. God bless and I love you all. I know that this phase will be just fleeting and me being extremely emotional is somewhat over-rated, but fear flows deep right from the bottom of my heart and this is just the real me trying to be string for my loved ones and for all of you as well.

Suddenly I was reminded of one Scrubs episode where I was deeply *moved* (more of that after the surgery), but Dr. Kelso’s words reverberate in my brain;

NOTHING IN THIS WORLD THAT’S WORTH HAVING COMES EASY.

Nothing worth having comes easy. And I couldn’t agree more.

I hope to be back.
.
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This is Ruff signing off.
.
.
Goodbye.

(image from algolperseus.blogspot.com)

3 comments:

Mel said...

OMG RUFF!!!

I visited your blog a bit too late.. was busy with exams.. dangnabit.. you know, the other day, i dreamt of you being in a ward. the thought scares me, but i was just passing the hall and you were the first person I saw... now i'm scared.

anyway, holler once you're capable of doing just that. and maybe it's a good thing that i didn't find out sooner, you bet i'm gonna haul my fat ass over to wherever you are.

i hope you're doing fabulous. loveyou much. :-)

Mr. Schizophrenic said...

Hay, kumusta ka na kaya. =(

guile said...

praying for you..