Stand in the Rain

When I was 9, I sustained a fall at our bathroom. I hit my forehead from the tub, the skin opened up, and you could almost see my aponeurosis (galea aponeurotica) from the injured part. I was rushed to the nearest family clinic where I received local anesthesia and have my injured forehead sutured. The fall in itself is painless. The area was numb and all I could feel was blood rushing out of my head. However, when the physician starts closing me up, I could almost feel every stitch piercing my skin and my flesh. I had 6 pairs of stitches, and we went home with my head and spirit (broken) all sutured-up.

After 5 days, we went back to the clinic to have my sutures removed. At that time, atraumatic sutures, skin glue and absorbable sutures are virtually non-existent (or is it?). The doctor started cutting the sutures and pulling them out of my flesh with a mosquito forceps. I could literally feel the threads sliding and shearing pass my skin. Halfway through the purportedly pain-free procedure, the doctor admittedly confessed that he wasn’t able to inject some anesthetics over my forehead. He was removing my sutures without the benefit of freaking anesthesia. That explains the sensation of pain. And there I was lying still in the clinic bed, complacently uncomplaining of the pain I should have never gone through. I went out of the clinic, nevertheless, and there remains in my forehead the scar that bears witness to my childhood carelessness and unbearable sacrifice.

We all love to feel pain. I don’t know if other people do (or you guys do), but I have a personal penchant for feeling the queasiness, the almost intolerable sensation of hurt. I think it is because pain is what makes us feel more human, more humble, more lowly. Sometimes I think about all the pains I have endured throughout my lifetime—physical pains, emotional pains, psychological pains, spiritual pains—and how I have successfully transcended all of them (or how I am battling with them at present) and then I suddenly feel a personal bliss. If my memory would serve me right, my childhood pains all carries special treasures I call precious memories of my being-ness. The pains are the combinations of my downfalls, failures, successes, capabilities, weaknesses and victories as a man, as an individual, and as a person. Because we are always bound to experience pain in every single moment of our lives. Whether it be of an upcoming operation, or an uncomfortable medical procedure, or of a measly pinprick or a little rose thorn stuck in between your fingers or toes. Or of an impending separation with your loved ones, or the stretch of cardiac myofibrils when the person you really love broke your heart, or the pains of a broken heart mending. Or probably of the feeling of spiritual alienation, spiritual desolation or anger with The One. Pain will always be a part of our existence, had been, will be… will forever be.

One important thing about such painful experience is mostly not the avoidance of, or repulsion from pain. Sometimes it is the unconditional acceptance of pain that is what truly matters. It is in making most of second chances, of learning from these pains, and sometimes, becoming desensitized from them, but not completely numbing ourselves from the experience of it. Because sometimes, pains are inevitable blessings from Him, and all that we should feel is an unending, ever-flowing gratitude to the Source of All Things. And all we should do is to completely surrender ourselves—mind, heart, and all—to His Loving Providence.

***

A post regarding my existence during my 6-months absence will soon follow. I will be spending some time for my personal recollection (June 18-20) at Boracay. Drop me a line, and let’s spend a wonderful time in the tropical paradise.

-ruff-nurse-du-jour, 16-june-07, 10p