Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Go The Distance / The World's Greatest

Here I am. 1 in the morning. It’s my day off and I’m wasting precious sleeping time staring at that bright star (or is that Venus) glistening beside the crescent moon (Sailor Moon is that you) while reminiscing the past 21 years of my life.

When I was younger I always think that I’m destined for greatness. That someday I could find a cure for AIDS or devise the means to end poverty or bring that elusive world peace to reality or become an eponym for a medical procedure or a disease, like Ruff-du-Jour’s Syndrome or Ruff-the-Unbearable Maneuver.

But here I am. 1 in the morning, wasting my day off and wandering why I fail to be that person I so dream of.




I turned my iPod on, clicked Shuffle, and there plays Michael Bolton’s “Go The Distance.

Okay I’m just bluffing. It actually played Mary J. Blige’s “Be Without You” but typing Bolton makes this post sound a bit facetious.

As a nurse, my days evolve around my professional life in the hospital and my almost non-existent personal life which I could sum up into two words: eating, sleeping.

Like an epiphany of some sorts, stuffs miraculously perfuse into my head and slowly converted into words to fill this blog that could be easily categorized as “Archived” or “Abandoned” due to my neglect and inattention.

And on that note, here are twenty realizations (originally two-thousand and eight) for the past twenty years of my life.

(1) I, actually, am a good person. Very good person.

(2) I am not a composite of Meredith Grey, or John Dorian, or Carrie Bradshaw, or Elle Woods, or any other fictional character into any fictitious show that deludes me into the belief that they’re “just playing my life.”

There’s no point in me imagining that my life will take a Grey’s Anatomy turn of events because I'm not Meredith Grey. I'm more like George O’Malley, if anything, but the truth is I am my own character writing my own story.

I have a life of my own. And I am real. I am better than Grey, Dorian, Bradshaw, Woods, McDreamy, and so much more. I am Ruff. And I'll be great.

(3) My ideal guy is just around the corner, and sooner or later, he’ll get to find me. It’s just that we’re both busy chasing our dreams that our lovelives is a little haywire. After some readjustments of goals, he’ll come to me, and we’ll live happily ever after.



(4) But I would then buy my own car before that happens. Public transport just wouldn’t do.

(5) I could not believe how many people died during my stay in the Intensive Care Unit. Five died under my care (but not due to my negligence thank you very much), and I could recall their names, their faces, and their life histories.

P.M., F.A., A.B.L., N.B. and E.C., requiescat in pace.

(6) I, however, saved a thousand more.

And I’m not being too pompous when I said that.

(7) Regarding the previous statement, seeing people walk out of the hospital alive is the reason why I keep holding on to my job. Sleepless nights and all, body pains, infections and all, being unappreciated and all, I do *freaking love what I do.

(8) I am loved by many people. And I love many people. This alone makes me special.

(9) I may have plenty, but I am not the sum total of all my failures.

(10) I already know who and what are important. I just have to keep reminding myself of them.

(11) By default, I am destined to kill somebody (job-related or otherwise).

(12) No amount of treadmill, protein shakes, bench presses and yoga sessions could compensate for the fact that I love to eat. I know, I know, that my obsession to Starbucks, Jollibee, Big Mac, Yellow Cab, TGIF, Cheesecakes etc., and Bubba Gump is deleterious to my health.

(14) It’s actually easy to be happy.

Most of my unhappiness stems from being too conscious about how I come off to other people. And all my happy moments are the times when I simply did not care.



(15) I am the best there is at what I do.

(16) There's no point in thinking that people, including myself, will get what we deserve. Mostly because we have no right to judge what, exactly, people deserve.

(17) Maganda pala ako. (Trans: I am actually beautiful.)

(18) And in line with that, I don't need someone else to validate my good looks. Normally when I wish for such validation they come in the form of condescending remarks coming from people trying to ask personal favours from me or ill-spelled private messages from people who've seen my friendster, facebook or g4m profile. That kind of validation I do not need. And besides, if I cannot find myself attractive how can I expect anyone of reasonable taste and intelligence to do so?

(19) I still believe that I’m destined to do great things.

(20) This is supposed to be my hundredth post but since I suck at: (1) math, (2) remembering dates, and (3) finding time to write, I missed the momentous event. Well, it’s still memorable naman. My 101st.

(21) Twenty-one is not a time for a quarter-life crisis, or for any kind of crisis. This is the time where I've got life by the balls. This is the most empowered I have ever been. At sixteen I may have thought I could conquer the world. At eighteen I may have thought I had the legal licence to do so. At twenty I felt that now I had the right to go nuts all over the world. But now is really the time where my life and my decisions and the resulting consequences are truly my own. I should always remember that, and live according to that truth.

*

In an emo fit I once yelled, “Twenty-one and what am I doing with my life?

Well, I'll tell you.

I'm living it.


Images from here.

54 comments:

bob said...

You are beautiful. :)

*play Christina Aguilera here*

Bino/Geno said...

Waw. Hihi. Ang sarap pakinggan nung happily ever after. Haayyy. Sana may magsabi ulit sakin niyan.

kingdaddyrich said...

21 ka lang?

makatawag pansin yung number 17 ah.. ;)

amicus said...

this post is really beautiful. at twenty-one you are already living life. as for me, at twenty-one, i'm still fucked up with my thesis and what-have-nots.

natawa talaga ako dito:
I turned my iPod on, clicked Shuffle, and there plays Michael Bolton’s “Go The Distance.”
Okay I’m just bluffing. It actually played Mary J. Blige’s “Be Without You” but typing Bolton makes this post sound a bit facetious.

nice one. :D i hope to have coffee with you one day.

kalansaycollector said...

yes i know.

kahit hindi pa kita namimeet, you are a beautiful person inside and out.

i so miss you nurse ruff. ;)

nagiging busy ka na masyado ha..

aries said...

ganda ng 11 at 17 pangkontrabida factor nyahaha

go lang nang go... live nang live at love nang love...

coldman said...

take nothing for granted and live the most of it.

Hope all your dreams will come true. =)

Di ba di ka na 21 ngayon?

jericho said...

nostalgic night nurse ruff? Introspection is indeed empowering, ain't it?

JOSH said...

Youre beautiful!(3x) its true (james blant)

hey nurse ruff, congrats to ur centenary post! I'm glad dat ur happy in life. Malay mo nandyan lang sa tabi c Valentino, hehehe!

we should have r spa massage soon! :)

philippe said...

'(3) My ideal guy is just around the corner, and sooner or later, he’ll get to find me.....' - i totally agree. sometimes, when i feel blue, specially THESE times, i would think this way.

and yeah, you are beautiful. we all are.

hey nurse, me back! =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@BOB: Oh thank you mister bob. Just want to tell you... that you are sorely missed. :-)

@BINO: That's what I'm sincerely hoping too. And nope, listening to Bonnie Bailey doesn't count.

@KINGDADDY: Yup, kingdaddy, 21 lang po ako. Ask bob kung totoo yung number 17. Hahaha.

@AMICUS: Thanks amicus. It took me quite some time to realize that I really should live a life and not wait for any sort of epiphany to dawn or happen. No more bitterness, no more Schadenfreude, I deserve to be happy... right here, right now. And I guess we all should, too.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@KALANSAY COLLECTOR: Thanks. Patient admissions usually peak on the first (and last) quarter of the year, after that, everything'll be a breeze, and aha! more time for myself (and my friends and this blog, too).

@ARIES: Actually, I might actually have killed somebody hindi lang masyado na-obvious joke. To quote Horace: It is courage, courage, courage, that raises the blood of life to crimson splendor. Live bravely and present a brave front to adversity.

@COLDMAN: Exactly. Live each day as if it were my last, but learn each day as if I will live forever.
~Hope that all your dreams come true too. (And hmmm, I'm still 21.) :-)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@JERICHO: Nostalgic it is. It, however, felt like a dead man's musing or a farewell of some sort. And nope, I'm not yet ready to say goodbye.

@JOSH: To quote from a positivist paradigm: "the reality is actually there." Too bad I'm a constructivist. I believe that reality only exists in hitherto constructs and is always open to further analysis. See, even in love, I still don't make any sense. Hahaha.

@PHILIPPE: He could be there, or he could not be there. I can be tempted to believe the latter but this is my life, and I have a choice, hence, the positive conviction.
~And yup, I'm likewise back.

kalansaycollector said...

can't wait! babalik ka na! hehe. btw inadd kita sa facebook and yeah you will see me there. ;p

yoshke said...

aaaaaaw. good for you.


i wish i could see the same light you did. what am i doing in my life? yes, i'm living it as well. but living it is not enough for me.

anyway, i'm happy you're happy. :)

wanderingcommuter said...

a very nice introspection of life... if only i am as idealistic as you are.. hehehe!

keep it up! kudos.

cedeux said...

how can i miss ur 101th ruff?!
arrgghh!neways, we are all
destined to greatness, di lang
cguro ngaun or baka pag 40 na tau...

pero for now, we'll do great things on what we have... sa
family, sa friends, sa work...
we offer ourselves to all of that.
and for them, u r the greatest.

number 3 is so true... nanjan lang
siya, busy lang din at nangangarap ng isang tulad mo=]

just keep on posting nurse ruff and advance happy valentines!

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@KALANSAY COLLECTOR: Yup I'll be back. Good thing you've found me there. I'm there to stalk someone kasi. Hahaha. Just kidding.

@YOSHKE: Thanks yoshke. I guess it all boils down to having *those choices. We could just live life or we could live life well. It's all a matter of perspective. After all, it is in appreciating every little blessings in life that makes everything worthwhile.
~I missed you yoshke. :-)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@WANDERING COMMUTER: I'm just praying that I'll have the strength (and the guts) to make everything happen. Thinking of it is but one thing, making it happen is another.

@CEDEUX: Exactly. All of us are destined to do great things. It's all a matter of timing. :-)
~We make the most out of everything we have. We may not have the best things in life, but for those who are thankful for every blessings they receive, everything will suffice.
~And yup, he's just here. And he'll show up in the 14th... or not. Hahaha.

my-so-called-Quest said...

so, what will u do in the 14th?
hehe

coach said...

sae hae bok manhi badeuseyo. happy lunar new year. :)

icka said...

i love this post.

it makes me think of those times i messed up, then back again on the road to fix things only to find out i'm destined to screw up again. but i don't regret anything. 'cause if not for that, i am not what i am right now.

21... and counting... there's more roads to travel on (go the distance) go! go! go! ^^,

Portable Bitch said...

my my..

i was refreshed...

Reyville of Simply Manila said...

I'm glad to hear u back. You are an achiever. Way to go. Saan nga ba nagtatago si Happiness?

Nd oh, u got me smiling. 'Thank you very much.' (Hahaha. Liked it.)

savante said...

Always good to look at your life and talk about it. Isn't that the reason why we all keep blogs? :)

KRIS JASPER ANGEL said...

I dont think u were waisting ur day off when u were reflecting about ur life...

Sometimes we need to meditate, it's still a bloody exercise.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@CEDEUX: I'm on duty on the 14th. Perhaps you might want to share some duty time with me? I'll be out by 11pm. :-)

@COACH: Happy Chinese New Year Coach! Oh, Korean New Year won't happen (atleast) in a few months, ain't it?

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@ICKA: My new paradigm: do more, make less mistakes, and try to become a better person day in and day out. To rise above myself, know what really matters, and never settle for anything less than the best.
~And I'm proud to say that I'm realizing that my dreams are slowly coming true at such a young age. For that, I am just extremely proud.

@PORTABLE BITCH: I likewise do. :-)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@SAVANTE: Exactly. A method for self-affirmation perhaps? Or an outlet to express those hidden, repressed desires? After all, if it weren't for our blogs, our lives wouldn't have crossed, would it?
~And for meeting a prodigious physician like you I am equally thankful.

@KRIS JASPER: I actually enjoy meditating on my "surreal" life experiences kris jasper. It makes me aware of my failures (and inconsistencies) as a person, and makes me likewise jubilant for the triumphs I have had.
~But yup you're right, after that epiphany... there comes that freaking headache! :-) Hahaha

cedeux said...

duty ka pala up to 11pm? a great way to kill time! pwede ka namn cguro bisitahin sa ICU no? one person at a time policy naman dun?

i'll add urologist as an option=]

davenport said...

si ruff na tamad magt-text he he.. joke lang..okay lang..wow.. im 5 years older pala.. pero you are passionate about your work, while me still lookin for my passion, it's remarkable.


(Sencia na adik ako helen keller, bukod pa kay emerson, kaya i quote her for you)

"I long to accomplish a great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each HONEST worker."

Your honesty to your everyday work, not only makes you great alam mo ba bata.. ha ha..

coach said...

you are beautiful inside and out. at bata pa. kainggit :)

akosikai said...

cool..we're of the same age ruff, 1986?? june 2006 batch sa board exams?? =) or are you a promil kid who finished nursing in just 2 years?? =)

and yes, We really are beautiful! =)

KRIS JASPER ANGEL said...

OMG! look at how i spelt "wasting".

LOL.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@CEDEUX: My sched sa 14 is from 2pm till 10pm. Add 2 more additional hours for endorsements and I'll be out by midnight. Of course, feel free to visit me there. Just drop me a buzz or something. :-)

@DAVE: Hahaha. Sorry Dave. I barely have the time to even use my phone for god's sakes! :-)
~Read once from turismoboi that “If you wake up in the morning and all you think about is singing, then you should be a singer.” And yup, it is nursing that keeps my day (and my mind) running.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@COACH: Thanks coach. Kaw din, you're gorgeous, inside and out. :-)

@AKOSIKAI: Hahaha. Actually I was "early-schooled" if there's such a term. And yup I skipped a few "grade levels" when I was young-err. Thanks to my over-achiever siblings. Hahaha.
~Indeed, we are.

@KRIS JASPER: No biggies. Imagine the horror when I wrote down 20 realizations and yet there are 21! :-)

cedeux said...

12 mn... lumilindol na nun sa pasay ruff. hehe.

surprise na lng kung may magrounds
dun... teka... SICU? MICU? or
PICU? meron ba nun jan? hmmmm... =]

Daizuke said...

You know.. I wish you all the best in life Papa Ruff (Khit ndi mo na ako bini visit. hehehe).. Yung job ko, though practically is ok, gives me nothing but aches every now and then.. or maybe am just feeling so empty na hindi ko ma appreciate yung ginagawa ko with a smile. God bless me! :-)

KRIS JASPER ANGEL said...

Im being silly.. it's just so dumb of me to spell it that way...
It shows how impulsive i am. write...
publish...
then read.

a bit wrong.. but that's me.

KRIS JASPER ANGEL said...

Hope ur ok anyway.

KC said...

Hello, my favorite nurse.
About #19, I know you would. We're still young, with all the time in the world to do something meaningful and worthwhile...but I know that there are people who will see that even the small things that you are doing can be the greatest thing that you've ever done.

..basta let's keep on doing something good, not only for ourselves but as for other people as well.

kalansaycollector said...

hapi balentayms nurse. ;p

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@CEDEUX: PICU and NICU doesn't suit my personality. I tend to become a bit harsh around the edges. I work in the Intensive Care Unit - Cardiovascular Unit Complex, expect me to freely float between the 2 areas. :-)

@DAIZUKE: I guess the most important thing is that we truly love the work that we do or we actually enjoy what we are doing. Despite the aches and the pains, the fact that we are smiling at the end of the day is reason enough to be thankful for.
~God bless you too, daizuke.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@KRIS JASPER: We all have our idiosyncracies. As for my case, I get so cranky with my blog images. I hope they're not too bothersome.
~And yup, I'm doing okay.

@KACIE: Yes KC! A simple message of appreciation from my patients are enough to provide me a reaffirmation that what I'm doing really matters. And no matter how trivial that may sound, or how little I have done, the fact that I'm doing good deeds for others gives me an extra *elusive smile on my face.

@KALANSAY COLLECTOR: Happy valentine's day too.

rod robles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the nomad said...

the pictures speak of my new year's resolutions.

what a nice post to come from our beloved nurse. =)

FruityOaty said...

For me, the path to finding love... was pretty simple... I eased up on the "working overtime" and being overly ambitious, career-wise.

It turns out that "all work and no play makes a dull person" is really true.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@THE NOMAD: A new start is always welcome. And oh, it's amazing to hear that the hiatus has ended! :-)
~Can't wait to read more from you really soon.

@FRUITYOATY: Are you implying that my potential lover is just around the confines of the hospital where I work? :-)
~Hmmmm... that actually sounds really promising.

dak said...

"When I was younger I always think that I’m destined for greatness. That someday I could find a cure for AIDS or devise the means to end poverty or bring that elusive world peace to reality or become an eponym for a medical procedure or a disease, like Ruff-du-Jour’s Syndrome or Ruff-the-Unbearable Maneuver."

--> very idealistic...

"It’s just that we’re both busy chasing our dreams that our lovelives is a little haywire."

--> hear hear!

"I do *freaking love what I do."

--> keep it up!

"It’s actually easy to be happy."

--> so true, we are responsible for our own happiness.

"I still believe that I’m destined to do great things."

--> I can perceive it too! Good luck!

chase / chubz said...

muni-muni ang show natin ngayon ahh..
grabe talga tong si nurse papa ruff, ma iinlove na ang mga reader mo nyan.
tsk..tsk...tsk..
dami ko nang karibal. ahihihih...

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