Overkill

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications



Last last night (August 8, 2006) marks my debut primetime appearance on national television. It’s nothing alarming, really. In fact, it was more disturbing to some of my closest acquaintances and even to myself. Despite the very little bit of preparation, I managed to stay sane and sensible during the entire round of interview.

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

As most of you already knew, I passed the recently concluded Nurse Licensure Examinations. After four tortuous years of nursing school, battling and juggling tremendous personal and professional chores have come into fruition—and here I am now, with my BS Nursing diploma, guns blazing, ready to face my new life as a professional Registered Nurse. But with the recent leakage issues, everything comes to a halt.

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day



At first I wanted to take my hands off of the issues at hand. I’m the Switzerland of the nursing profession—neutral, unbiased, and impartial. But when I was invited to render a speech for the batch and the parents of my batch mates who, unfortunately, did not sail through through the exams, I was disheartened by my apathy and indifference. I rendered my speech, hoping I would be able to inspire the rest of my batch mates to fight for what is right and to speak up for the truth.

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

But I have no idea that the entire “issue” would be this big. My friends have advised me to take a neutral stand on this pressing issue. I still have poor insight regarding these things. I’m not against the retake stuff; on the other hand, I would be very delighted if some parts of the tests would be retaken, for in this manner, I would obtain higher scores then. But on further introspection, when I come to think of the tremendous physical and psychological efforts I would submit myself again into, fear suddenly grows in me. What if I fail during the retake? As a good friend would say, “would it be worth the squeeze?”

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day



Honestly, after the first day of the exams, I was so emotionally drained there is no way I could have made it past that day. It’s so damn difficult and tricky even I was surprised. The questions are so subjective, no amount of review, research or brainstorming could furnish you with the exact answers. And I couldn’t blame a lot of people for being unmoved with the issue, and I respect their decisions, I really do.

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Sometimes I ask myself if my involvement in this issue is worth my time and effort. At present, I’m so sick I couldn’t even move my fingers while typing this blog entry. I was advised to be on bed rest by my MD, forcing me to absent myself in the forum at school, and a “tentative” shooting with Ms. Korina Sanchez, Sen. R. Gordon, etc. at the ANC studio. I have flu, and an impending pneumonia. Perhaps if not for my physical limitations, I could have been there, advocating and doing what I do best. But I’m not that invincible, for I am human too.

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away



Sometimes I think it’s kind of overkill. I’m hoping everything turns okay in the end—the truth shall prevail and the sinners will be punished. And all I’m praying for is that the ghosts that appeared… will soon fade away.

A New Day Has Come

My contemptible negligence and (momentary) desertion of this humble sanctuary of mine had been in its zenith for the past few weeks. Now, I’m offering you my beloved friends, my sincerest and earnest apologies for my fleeting laxity, and am now please to inform you that I’m now back and running for some new rantings of my condescending mind.

As a fresh graduate, the pressures of passing the board examinations, consequently, of finding a new job, and theretofore, of earning my own profit, had taken its toll on my personal life. During our reviews for the past months, I had been neglectful of some people who are close to my heart, and that includes my Man, to whom I am very sorry. My second apology is for all of you who I’ve misled into the belief that I had my so-called “new significant other” I’ve chronicled during my last entry. That announcement was too premature and impetuous, even I, myself am surprised and I thought was injudicious. To make things short and simple, I am still single and unattached, but contented nonetheless.

June was such a nostalgic month for me. Last last week I celebrated my 20th birthday. My blogsite even celebrated its 1st year (okay, 1st year and a month). And it was 1 melancholic year ago since my Marco left me for the States.

For the past year, I hadn’t completely moved on. And it was still difficult letting him go without the hurts and the pains. But if there’s one decision in my life I’m proud of accomplishing, it was my choice of opening my heart again. I could wallow in self-pity asking what went wrong, or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and continue living. I’ve decided to pick the latter, and I am proud of myself for doing that. At present, though I know that I’m having a hard time trusting people again, I’m proud to say that I’ve already took the first steps, and am looking forward to the next.

The past year gave me my much needed peace of mind. The realizations that roused my weary consciousness was a bliss. In the midst of all the chaos and the turmoil that happened during the past, I’ve learned life lessons I’ll forever carry in my heart. That in the face of mediocrity and barrenness, the world never fails to show us that behind this imperfect world lays a beautiful one waiting to be discovered.

I was reminded of Lester Burnham’s narration in American Beauty: “… it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...”

There is so much beauty in this world, all we need to do… is to look closer.

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Maybe one of the reasons why I am afraid of doing things I deem necessary is that dreaded feeling of losing control. Maybe helplessness, pains and sufferings are parts of the normal fabric of the human life. “Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.” I learned my lessons the hardest way, and I fear that the same mistakes will again haunt me as a form of a cyclic karmic retribution and I’ll never be happy again.

Just kidding.

But I’m gradually moving on. Maybe if not for the sake of finding my significant other, but of finding the real sense innate in me. My past year was a recurrence of mistakes, errors, and fears, and I have submitted to the idea of never repeating them again. I have spent too much time thinking of my studies/career, of other person’s businesses, of my irrational fears of the future, and of so much more, that I have completely forgotten to take care of my self. I have a magnificent life to live and I will live it the way I want it to be—no reservations, no fears, and no worries. And eventually hoping, that I will finally be HAPPY.

Because sometimes the most important part of accomplishing something really close to your heart is to take the inevitable first step. Life is hard and it is difficult on purpose. “The first step”—it’s all that it takes. And when it’s all good and done, the view of the other side… is spectacular.

Somewhere Only We Know

I have a new love. And this one is different and new. I'm not in the liberty to disclose about it yet, but someday I promise I will.
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..
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"Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know?"
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PS. He's not the one on the picture above, and that ain't me either. Till then.

Darn

Darn.

I have never felt more fucked-up and confused since june last year.

My second entry this year will probably dwell on my relationships all filled with jerk and disarrays. I couldn’t even function perfectly with my present state of mind. Everything that’s running in my head are my frustrated and attempted takes on several relationships that are all beyond my contemptible comprehension, and I have never brought to full consummation despite my painstaking, tortuous attempts.

My ongoing relationship with my current significant other is nothing but plain complicated. All full of highs and lows my mind is filled with confusion and questions. We have been in this frigid courting stage for 4 months now and I still cannot decipher whether our relationship is going to the “friendship path” or the “happily ever after route.” Everyday I’m faced with the primordial questions: “Are we friends or lovers? What are we doing? What are we?” I feel so estranged with myself and I’m hating this vexing feeling. We go on dates, we feel comfortable in each other’s presence, we share our personal stories and sentiments, we go out in public, and yet I find it hard accepting the fact that our relationship is still undefined. In my mind I know that I love him, and I loved him from the start. Though my intentions had been misconstrued by some of my closest friends, still a lot of them know that my feelings are genuine and sincere. God knows it’s true.

I have said this line a long time ago… “I’m not selfish nor hard to please. I’m just a person with needs.” And I need this longing relationship to come into fruition. I’m done and tired with too much waiting. I’m a big man now. Tell me what your heart says. I can face the facts for God’s sakes. Tell me what you feel and I’ll be happy to go through mine. I’m too sick of too a many mixed signals. If you want to be with me, just tell me. Otherwise, let me bite my own bullet. I’m a self-professed masochist and I’m loving it.
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But something happened in an instant. I met someone new. And darn I think I’ve already fallen in love with him. To make matters darn complicated, this new beloved of mine is my own professor. Period.

Have I mentioned that my so-called “significant other” is my ex-boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend?

And both of them doesn’t know a thing? (or do they? This is still debatable.)

And could things be worse: I’m somewhat interested in my ex-boyfriend’s fuck buddy who is in already in a relationship with my personal acquaintance?

I hate this f***ing feeling I’m starting to puke and convulse each and every time these thoughts come running through my crazy mind. I badly need some help.

Or psychiatric evaluation perhaps?

I’m graduating this March and my relationships with special people around me are as vague and as blurred as that of the prognosis of an HIV-positive patient with stage IV metastatic leukemia.

In summary, it’s damned.

And I feel I am too.

I know that if I let this vicious feeling dominate my sanity the place that is left for me will either be in a neurotic asylum or in a filthy dump. God forbids. I don’t want to lose my significant other. I have fought insurmountable odds just to know him personally, for him to notice me, for this relationship to happen. I’m not willing to waste my efforts. I deserve the fruits of my labor. I deserve something here. And I deserve nothing less.

This entry is just the tip of a very freezing iceberg in this glacial microcosm of my repressed emotions. And I know that some of my friends / co-bloggers / strangers / spectators will be more than willing to judge me. I’m judged upon by too many people in this lifetime. If hurtful judgments could cut, I’d be dead by now. But this is me. And though I hate myself sometimes, all I could do is pick the broken pieces of me so that I can present a façade to confront all of my real ghosts.

What I have learned? It is possible for a new love (or a new person) to ruin a long-existent fortress built on fragile foundations and breakable walls. A single blow can topple everything. What is left are crumbles of pains and regrets that will struck your heart like cactus thorns and daggers. Haunting you ‘till time immemorial.

And there
will always be
one thing
left unsaid:

Darn.


P.S. This entry will only be posted in a dew days and will be deleted thereafter. The people involved might read my chronicles and I’d be a dead man by then.

I couldn’t help but recall Janet’s lines: “How can I be strong I’ve asked myself time and time I’ve said that I’ll never fall in love with you again… Kinda’ late in the game and my heart is in your hands. Don’t you stand there and then tell me you love me then leave again… Cause I’m falling in love with you again.”

No Turning Back

“We’re a year older, but none the wiser,” uttered the sage in me. I have been meaning to post an entry on my life lessons for the bygone year, but it would be too late to do so, and perhaps, it would be too scanty to fill a paragraph or two. So instead, I have decided to make this post as short, but as substantial for the despicable me.

This, methinks, is my first genuine post of gratitude. I have decided that before I commence my yearlong ramblings of must-have-been’s and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s, I would like to take this precious opportunity for thanking all the people who have made the year that was 2005, a very meaningful one for me and my soul.

To my loving family, for always bringing out the best in me. I can’t imagine myself living the reality I’m living in without such wonderful souls who make me feel loved despite all my flaws and imperfections. To my friends who understand and respect me unconditionally no matter how flawed, unpredictable, and neurotic I am. Thanks for guiding me, encouraging me, challenging me, loving me, and accepting the real me. To my blog friends, for always listening to my rants and whimpers. For being with me in “spirit” and teaching me life lessons I will cherish every moment of my precious, little life. To my Significant Other, for inspiring me to be and to do the best that I can be. For pushing me to the limits my “height, might and soul” can reach. For making me realize that no matter how arid and miserable my life had become, I have a streak of light and hope in your presence. That our love is enough for us to survive.















(with a good friend, at medicine building, ust)


To all of the souls who have touched my life and made me a better man, I am forever indebted. My sincerest gratitude to each and every one of you.

Let’s start this year anew with rays of eternal hope, faith, and love in our hearts and souls. That we may realize, that in this life, there is no turning back. Cause in the end, only kindness matter. Till we meet again…
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On a clear day, you could see forever...

The second semester is up and running. I barely enjoyed the semestral break. Boy oh boy! Still got no time for myself (as usual), and it does suffice that I had this few stolen minutes to write this sorta’ entry.

Recently I was invited as a panel of reactor in a Bioethics seminar sponsored by the College. Public speaking isn’t my forte. I would have preferred prepared, written, planned speeches than spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment reactions about topics I knew nothing of. Having two (2) very distinguished speakers in the field of Medical Ethics and Clinical Psychology (as the main speakers), tens of Professors and Clinical Instructors who I adore and respect so much, hundreds of students and colleagues listening to my ranting, the Dean and the Assistant Dean of the College, with the presence of my hypercritical Religious Adviser—and with less than 5 minutes to integrate the 4-hour-long talk into forming coherent words and sentences—everything seems to be a blur, a cerebral frenzy, and an intellectual disarray.

To add to the insult, the topic of the seminar is one I abhor and detest. It’s not a nursing/medical breakthrough. Nor a clinical update. Not even a career path consultation. It’s something that is beyond my capability and powers as a person. Somewhat bioethical, yet purely exasperating…

The topic? “Love and Sexuality in a World of Diversity.”

It is a torture. No! Probably more of a personal attack.

The first speaker talks about the “Psychosexual Dimension of Human Personality.” Freudian associations and fixations is the gist. Issues of homosexuality, pornography, and sexual perversions are discussed as deviations from normalcy. The second speaker discussed “Dehumanizing Human Love and Sexuality” and focused on masturbation, homosexuality (again), fornication, same-sex marriages, and thousandloads of sexual stuffs all integrated in a talk that all I am hearing are the words “hell,” “abomination,” “abnormal,” “immoral,” and many others I can no longer recall and have no plans of doing so.

What in this world have I done to suffer all of these pains and tortures?

As if hearing all the judgments and prejudices aren’t hurtful enough, I am supposed to react constructively to this speech? What am I thinking when a good professor asked me to make a speech regarding this topic and accepted it after some serious deliberations? Saying something unconstructive about the topic will only mean one thing—personal DOOM (and to tell you, damnation is what my professors practice best).

Armed with my usual self-confidence, pink long-sleeves polo, periwinkle tie and charcoal trousers, I relayed my speech calmly, still with a lot of nerves, but not an idea out of place. Everything I said is within the limits of morality and decency. Though I mispronounced a word or two, the thought of my speech is fantastic. No, fantastic is an understatement. Fabulous and perfection are the words I prefer to use. Never in my life have I imagined speaking such words with grace and composure. Perhaps, the speech might have been instrumental in my self-expression as a human sexual person. Then suddenly, it’s not that bad at all.

The following is my truncated speech (taken from several resource off books, Web, citations, and speeches):

“The development of a healthy and mature understanding of sexuality is a necessary element to growth in wisdom and grace. Without a proper appreciation of sexuality individuals may be kept from healthy development of self and/or accepting the responsibility that goes along with the gift of sexuality. Sexuality serves the development of human persons by calling us to full openness of being, to a continued discovery and expression of each person’s unique self.

“Human sexuality is that way of being in, and relating to, the world as a person. A true integration of sexuality is a continuing process, as Mr. *** said, as its development starts from infancy and is a dynamic process up until our adulthood. Sexuality is a drive that permeates as well as influences every aspect of an individual’s life. In other words, sexuality is a dimension of a total person.

“It is vital to understand the tension between understanding Sexuality as Bad/Burden, and Sexuality as Good/Blessing. Sexuality can be destructive, abusive, exploitative and dehumanizing. It can also be creative, passionate, freeing, mutual, and loving. The truth of sexuality is that it has the potential to be a destructive power or a creative power. A progressing sense of sexual maturity ensues when an individual works towards developing a good healthy, realistic sense of self, while also realizing a good healthy realistic sense of others.

“Sexuality is a power which is relational, corresponding to our capacity to love. It reaches beyond self to another. As human beings to give and receive love, to feel love and to express love is innate in our nature. While pleasure may come easy, as Dra. **** said earlier through masturbation, fornication, and loveless sexual acts, there is an emotional aspect that many of us forget. Real love is more a matter of mutual giving than personal gratification. Love is a mysterious, complex and sometimes painful human emotion, where ecstasy comes through personal bonding more than physical stimulation. Future and present trends may well address various physical aspects of human relationships; but I doubt that it will satisfy the longings of our souls.

“Thank you and have a good day.”

The reaction of the audience is sort of a mixed bag. So does the professors (with a lot of blank stares with blunt affects, and some smiles and gestures of encouragement). I have expected this kind of feedback and I am not expecting anything more. To hell are the retorts. I stated my points, they are all mine, nothing more and nothing less, so bear with it.

But what is inspiring that afternoon are the commendations the main speakers told me. “You speak very well, it’s very good” and “What’s your name? I’m looking forward to talk to you soon personally” in verbatim. It was then that everything began to sink in my consciousness. I must be a good speaker, I told myself. And everything becomes lucid Like a clear day, I could well see forever.

What have I learn from the seminar? Just the same old, same old. I’d still prefer to be the stubborn, experimental person who I loved and adored inside-out. Still a person with a lot of dreams of finding my significant other who will stay and fight with my battles. Still a man with an imperfect mind and wishes, living in this world of immorality, inconsistency and flaws. A man who will love and feel. Still imperfect but striving to be pure and happy in this world of “sham, drudgery and broken dreams.” And a lover who would never settle for anything less.

Thank you and have a good day.
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Addendum:
The affair was posted as an article from The Varsitarian (released November 25, 2005, page 3). Copies are available at the UST Varsitarian Office.

Seeking Sense in Styx

When I told myself that I’m ready to move on, I meant it. I swallowed every consequence, accepted all the pains, and loved all the hurts, ‘till I can no longer feel. I’m left numb, but living; empty, nevertheless purposeless.

Then I woke, like from a long bewildered slumber, to find myself totally uninspired. I no longer glowed, there was no spark, even in my most trying hours. The sadness is palpable, its as if everything has come to a halt and devoured the vigor off me.

Up ‘till someone came along, who I earnestly hope, will bring me back to the heaven I so dearly longed.

There’s a catch though, and it’s way too complicated for this entry. Maybe if I have an entire day with me, I can share the dilemma with you and seek some of your expert advice.

But at present, I know my happiness is still a long long way away. All I can share is this piece of poetry I wrote. And this is dedicated to you, the Man who made me whole again.
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To you, my Man, with these words are my heartfelt wishes for your happiness. You may not know me well, yet. And perhaps, it never will. But in my heart are hopes that in this single, passing life of ours, you can get to know me well, love me, and keep me in your heart even for awhile.
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SENSE

Envelop me with your arms, be
My fortress standing proud.

Make me a servant, thou master please
Ask, I will command.

Next to thy mighty bed,
Undress me, unclasping hands

Eluded from this world
Let our soul and spirits rise.

Devout and pure, its only me and you…

Push ‘till I can no longer hold
All the love you have to give

Rosy filled with intense delight
Amidst the darkness of the night

Give me your soul, your self, your spirit
As I come to the climax in this allusive dark

Slid me your entirety, till I bleed till I moan.

Just you and me throughout the dawn
Restless with passion in this eternal slumber.
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/rjmc & edp, jr. 15 sep '05