A Glimpse of Paradise

I was awaken with the incessant toot-toot-ing of my cell phone, not my alarm clock, with the soft plopping of raindrops falling under the sky and dropping into our roof. I was so pre-occupied with my Marco-obsessions, my ex-boyfriend’s hate messages (which he texted me just last evening), and my compulsion to finish the last chapters of Angels & Demons, that I almost completely forgotten my OWN BIRTHDAY!!! Thank Heavens, a lot of people in my inbox genuinely reminded me of what I was just naïvely missing.

YES, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY. I’M OFFICIALLY 19.

I turned on the television and despicably saw Reuben Studdard singing the “Don’t You Remember You Told Me You Love Me Baby”-song in the Oprah Winfrey Show. Appalled and dismayed, I turned the dial to contemptibly see Nina in MTV singing “I Don’t Wanna Be Your Friend.” Completely aghast, I shifted to ETC to see the host of The Today Show cooking fricassee. Thank God there are still channels on earth not reminding me of all my love tragedies. I immediately felt relieved. You have no idea. This is my special day! I deserve to be happy. I don’t need Reuben and Nina and the likes telling me such bullshits on love! I’m implementing egotism today. Not my boyfriend sentiments nor my ex-boyfriends whining can change my frame of mind. THIS IS MY DAY!!

I got to thinking of my very best friend (yihee) Demiguin who I’ve just met yesterday and her fabulous gift I proudly displayed here in my room. It is a fabulous graffiti shirt with the inspiring message: “IF YOU THINK SEX IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!” This is the most memorable gift I’ve received yet from a very very good friend. After our lunch yesterday, we went to iko lai’s pod and watch the provocative breakthrough film Y Tu Mama Tambien to the realization that friendship, like life, transforms and evolves and breaks barriers and conventions, and ultimately endures despite all the pains, the sorrows, and all the betrayals.

Suddenly it dawned on me. I’M IN DESPERATE NEED OF CLOSURE.

According to my most loved author May Luna Sy, “Closure began as a clinical term used by mental health professionals to define a stage in traumatic grief where one is able to reinvest in life, where living is not to be endured, but cherished.

“Closure is being able to put an end to something. For example, you stop pining for the guy who got away. You stop thinking about what might have been. You stop blaming yourself for making the wrong decision or worse, for not making a decision.

“But before you achieve closure, you have to go through a lot of grief, pain, confusion, gallons of ice cream or even a handful of lovers.”

Then I realize that I haven’t had closure with all of my past boyfriends. Some of them still have the grudges and the bitterness towards me. This fact makes me uneasy and perturbed. I couldn’t stand the reality that somewhere in the universe, someone close or who used to be close to my heart is still suffering from the remnants of our failed relationship. While I’m sincerely happy at present, I can’t help but commiserate with their sympathy. Sometimes, loving is about letting go sans all the loathing and repugnance. There are still times when my heart still aches because I’ve never let go completely but I know that I’ve done my fair share. I’m sincerely hoping they will… too.

But now I have a choice. This is my DAY. I could drown myself with the infinite ramblings of all of the mistakes and imperfections of all of my past relationships or I can give myself my much-needed closure as my birthday present. I’ll choose the latter. I have spent my entire life living with the joys, pains and heartaches of all of my failed relationships. Today, I am giving myself the rest I so badly needed. This ain’t too much to ask. I am just giving my heart a break. This will be the time to pause and smell the roses. And hopefully, the sun will soon shine.

The rain still shows its fury but it is still a beautiful world. I have my very loving family, my extremely fabulous friends, my loving boyfriend in NY, and all of the wonderful people I have met in my lifetime. What else could I possibly ask for more? I have had my much-longed peace of mind—and this is my glimpse of paradise.