Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Follow Through

“I just never thought that he will follow through.”

Before, I only thought of the words
“follow through” as mere words from Gavin Degraw’s song. It is only recently that I have come to realize what it really meant, perhaps, what his song really meant.

Over calorie-loaded NY Cheesecakes and underbaked Sacher Torte, watching raindrops fill the heavy-looking clouds outside the store window has never been nostalgic, and potentially fatal. As much as I’ve tried to control my lachrymal ducts from emptying into my eyes, the profound emotions I have deep inside can’t seem to find any other outlet other than my eyes.

“Breaking the No Sex Involved rule on your first date always has its consequences. This is particularly true when the other party implied that plain talking would just be perfectly fine,” said Rave, a long-time friend.

“I wasn’t looking for a relationship,” I rationalized, “and besides, I went to that place to just hook up. I never thought of commitment as another option. I just went there to get laid.”

It’s been two years since I last had sex. It was with my ex-lover who left for the States to pursue their family business. After that, I had another failed relationship with someone who could not reciprocate the love that I gave him. I ended us as the third party without me knowing such facts.

I’ve been burned ever since. Never did again I invested so much time, effort and ATP on a man. I surrounded myself with distractions—study, work, more studies. I became a living robot.

“When we were at that room, his naked body pressing against mine, I felt invincible, secure, strong again. And I got what I badly wanted. I wanted someone who will take me as I am, and love me despite my flaws. Who will accept the broken me and will make me whole again. In my deepest, darkest time, I saw a little speck of light in him. That esteem-wise, I still had it. It was all worth it.

“What did he felt after the act?” asked Mars, my confidante.

“Like the usual. He felt manly, powerful, brawny—you know, the God Complex thing. The weird part is he asking whether we should take it to the next level or keep it like that. I don’t know but I think it was just his hormones talking. So I did what I had to do. I thanked him for the time and I went home.”

That is what I told them, but deep inside, I was crying because I made the wrong choice, and this time, I knew I was truly wrong. I fell for someone whom I’m never supposed to fall in love with. I kept telling myself that he is the wrong guy. I must not fall for someone I just met. Someone whose first date involves corporeal, worldly relations. This is not how relationships should start.

I am a realist. I know that I can’t get everything from a single person. People meet for a reason—for love, sex, fling, even for an unrequited love. Every person, every experience teaches us something, whatever lesson it might be, it is always a personal matter, and after that, you are never the same. Okay, I’m just babbling.

“After that night, he asked me for another date. And this time, he invited me for a formal dinner. No sex involved this time. And it was perfect. I got to know him better. And I told him so much things that I would never even say to someone really close to me. I felt comfortable with this guy. His wit, his charm, his actions—the way he sips his coffee and touches my hands—he was like the person I want to stay forever with.” I said further.

“But what’s the catch? Why are you not together?” Rave retorted.

“I guess the timing wasn’t right. I suppose. I was never right. Before the night ended, I let him go when I knew that he’s not even mine. I guess that was synonymous with saying, you can’t lose what you never had.

Tears start to well on my eyes but I pretended to laugh. It is indeed a world of charades.

I never told my friends what I told him that night, because it will definitely break my heart, again.

“C****, I met you at the most inopportune time. I was lonely. I was looking for someone to cheer me up; to make me feel again; to make me the man who I thought I was not capable of becoming. I thought I could use some help—with your body giving life into mine. I don’t want to start wonderful things with a flawed beginning. It’s not that I regret what we did that night. What I regret is the fact that you and I did it. It should not be you. Because you deserve better than that.

“I will leave, but only for a while. Perhaps when we meet again, in the right time, in the right place, at the right opportunity, then, we could start something again. Something right albeit not perfect. Something that we could be proud of. Something that I would, we would cherish for our entire lifetimes. And I’m praying that that time will come. All I can give you is my hope. I hope you could give me that too.

“Goodbye C****. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, but I know you’ll make this one right for us.

“Thanks for following through.”

Normal, happy posts will be back in a few days. Guess I’m not the jolly kind of person after all. Talk about crazy.


Kiks said...

You're young, Ruff. You have a long good life ahead of you. And one does not need to be hellishly jolly all the time.

We have our moments. I'll share you mine soon. ;-)


niki said...

aawww. you'll be okay soon =)

Drake said...

Gosh Ruff! I was so flabbergasted... As I was reading your post, I just felt myself. It was almost speaking for myself. You set me aback with that line... "You can't lose what you never had". It was just a couple of days back that I was musing on this line. Gosh... I couldn't believe we're into parallel routes. I'm just so speechless... It's as if you're telling my recent days, except for the sex part.

Rain really conjures nostalgic sensations through your brain cells. That's why I don't like cold rainy days - they elicit plaintive emotions.

You'll get through this is as much as I'm passing mine. =) Smile!

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks for visiting KIKS. You really know how to cheer me up! It seems like you’ve known me for an entire lifetime!

Yeah, I guess one of the perks of being young (and stupid) is that you can make many, many, many mistakes and be not blamed for doing so. Thanks kiks for reminding me of that. I guess I’m still in the phase where I still don’t know what I want from what I need. Damn, I’m getting older but I doubt that I’m becoming more and more mature/wiser. I guess this phase is a lesson very well-learned.

Thanks soo much KIKS. Your message brought the much needed smile I wanted for the day. =) I will end this day as a happy man.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks NIKI. I’m now starting to get over of what happened. I guess sharing stuffs and letting things out into the open has a cathartic purpose. It was like I’m purging all of my emotional issues so I won’t nurse them inside of me anymore. I’m starting to feel a little better now. =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks for sharing your sentiments DRAKE. I’m sorry if this post made you reminiscent of the emotional wounds you’re nursing. Remember when I told you (on your post) that I think that we’re currently on the same page? I guess I could sense what you’re feeling while I was reading your last entry. Misery, indeed, loves company.

Sex really turns everything into a big mess. In my case, if we didn’t do IT, I think we’re together as a couple now or whatever. But that’s just me. NO REGRETS I MUST SAY. If it weren’t for that mistake, then I wouldn’t have known that I’m the commitment type. I guess my days of being stupid are finally over. I’ve learned my lessons the hard way and I got the spanking I badly needed. As contradicting as it may sound, I guess I’m now bouncing back.

Be well DRAKE. Just want you to know that you always have me. =) Smooch.

bananas said...

sobrang moment...dati, di ko rin alam ang ibig sabihin ng salitang moment. hehehehe

Drake said...

Well I'm very happy for you that you're pulling all these learning from your experience. Experience really is the best teacher, and the hardest one at that; But the fruits of it are invaluable.

It's OK to have an emotional catharsis every now and then. The respite it provides is very comforting to the wounded self. It's not good to germinate bads seeds within. Bad trees grow from bad seeds. You know what I mean...

You'll get over this... Be proud of yourself that you're into such progression. It means you're getting tougher.

I'm getting better now. Thanks Ruff for dedicatedly sharing your thoughts. ¡Muchas Gracias!

Bino/Geno said...

Awww this is really sad. I should never have read posts like this. It sparks my depression. Hehe

dazedblu* said...

ruff i thought it was really fine to undergo in a situation like that, besides everyones says you're still young.. were still young, haha (makisali ba?)

btw. carlo ba name nung guy?

† alleicarg † said...


"hope is the biggest lie there is.. but it is the greatest."

lines fr the series "Taken"

james said...

i like what alleicarg said.

yeah, let's just hope.

for better days.

wala na ulan nyan sa mga susunod na araw. haha.

saisho said...

A heartrending post indeed. Moving on and forgetting really is one of the worst feeling. Sigh, matters of the heart… anyway, you’ll feel fine soon enough. Smile. Aja! Lol.

kc said...

gaaah! i felt sad for you. i can somehow relate to this: "you can't lose what you never had"

life has it's ups and downs. so if you think that you're at the lowest point in your life, always remember that the only direction you can go is UPWARD. but make sure that as you go up, you have brought with you the lessons from that negative experience that can make you a stronger person.

this strength will help you as you deal with new situations that can pull you down once again...i hope you'll feel well soon. god bless! =)

serious mode off: whoa, nanaig ang psyche ability ko!

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks for the visit BANANAS. I do not know the meaning of the words romance, relationship, commitment, passion, intimacy, and exclusive before either. I guess with aging comes wisdom. =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thank you very much DRAKE. You don’t know how your words are like balms to my hurts. They have been therapeutic to my pains. If there’s one thing I must be really proud of, I guess it’s my annoyingly useful ability to regenerate. To recycle my pains and turn it into something good. I guess I have perfected the ability to convert my losses into gains. And it’s not always a good thing. Because sometimes I just miss the feeling of pain.

At a young age, I am just thankful that my successes and failures about relationships really helped me to mature as a person. I know that I still have a lot to learn and I still need to gather more experiences but with what is happening right now, I’m just grateful that there’s no tragedy I wasn’t able to triumph over yet. After all these years, I am still here, wounded but alive, struggling but whole. I just want to take it all in, reprocess it in my memory, take off the flawed part, but keep the beautiful memories intact.

Just like my old wounds, I know that this one will definitely heal in its proper time. The pains are starting to subside and I’m now feeling better too. I’m praying for you too drake. Breathe in, relax, and let go when everything looks overwhelming. I hope this entry helped you in anyway, if at all. You are special. =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks for sharing the sentiments GENO. Sorry if the depression was too contagious. I just really need some outlet for my hidden pains. And with all of your well wishes and advices, the hurts is not all that bad. Thank you for always dropping by.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Hi DAZED! Thanks for the reassurance. I was reminded of my friend’s advice, she told me that “knowing what you want brings you a step closer to getting it.” With what happened, I just got confused because I never really knew what I wanted all along. When I got what I *thought I wanted, I was still unhappy, as my wanting was misdirected. The time when I knew what I really needed, the timing was already too late and there’s nothing I could do anymore about it. Well, yup, we’re still young, and we have all the time in our hands. Hope that time won’t run out eh?

And his name is Chard. Secret lang natin ha? =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Hi ALLEI! Thanks for the visit. Isn’t it weird that my last post was about psych disorders and here I am looking like a mental wreck? Life, indeed, could sometimes become a world of charades.

Wow, that’s a beautiful quote. I think it’s all a matter of perspective. If faith is all about believing in the uncertain, then my bets are on it. If hoping means selective inattention and expecting without assurance, I’d better hope for the best than not at all. After all, everything has its risks, and success is much much sweeter if we’d stake a lot, if not everything, for achieving what we really want.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks JAMES! Thanks for your constant presence. I miss our garbage-message-exchanges. Sorry, it had been quite rocky lately.

Yeah, that’s what I thought too. Perhaps it’s just a phase. Soon, after the rain, the sun will soon shine. But when will it stop? Is the rain going to end? Or will it get us again in our most unexpected time? Masarap din kasi minsang mabasa. ‘Wag lang sanang dumating ang oras na ayaw na nating umahon at magdesisyon na lang tayo na magpaka-lunod na lang. =(

Oh well, I guess for now, we’ll just have to keep hoping for better days. Aaraw din naman diba? Thanks JAMES. Don’ worry I’ll cheer up! =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks for the visit SAISHO. It’s funny why we are never taught how to manage emotional problems in school. And there are no textbook rules for managing such. No algorithms, no flowcharts, no standard operating procedures. Is there, therefore, a right and wrong way to manage the matters of the heart?

Thank you for sharing with my sentiments. It’s a good experience to sense that I do still can feel. Just the right time when I thought I was already numb. I guess I will be fine saisho. Don’t worry, I had a great day yesterday just by reading all your kind words. =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thank you for your kind words KC. I guess the hardest part about my predicament is that I’ve let go off easily without even trying to put up a fight. I don’t even have the slightest idea how I should manage the situation. Should I fight or should I flight? And I presume I took the easy way out, I flight. One thing I just learned—you must learn how to pick your own battles.

Life, indeed, still has a lot in store for all of us. We’re still young and there are a whole lots of things that we should take care of. An end in a relationship does not equate to failure, it just means that we are given another opportunity to love again. I still believe in karmic retribution. Sow goodness and in the future you will reap it, plant something evil and it will be given back to you. In the future, eventually, I pray that all of us will be happy.

One more thing I’ve learned: build bridges instead of burning them. So that when things seem barren and hopeless, you have someone to turn your back to. There’s still a purpose behind everything. I’m just digging deeper to find out what this one has for me. =)

Thank you so much my fellow nurse KC. Psych stuffs really helps in times like this. I’m getting better now don’t worry. Hindi na umuulan. =)

arlo said...

on the first read, i was tempted to say "maarteng frog!", i mean a mcdreamy following thru for u and u turning away... anu ba...

but realizing how deepy u feel about the struggle you are going true, i guess sige lang, take all the time you need... to everything it own good time :)

kc said...

maybe not fighting for something is that "something" that you have to learn. put that into your heart and i know you'll be ok.

now that we've established that, all i can say is this gasgas na kasabihan: when a door closes, another door opens. so go go go! live life..we're still young.

wishing you all the best ruff! =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks for the visit ARLO! And thanks for the comments too. Seriously, I was waiting for someone to tell me that and I’m glad you did. I detested relationships for quite a long time and when I found him, I guess its just plain stupid of me to let him go when I know deep inside that I have a chance with this guy. Pero no regrets naman, knowing him made me discover more about myself and for that I am just thankful.

Thanks for taking the time to read my repetitive ranting. I’m slowly loosening up na as of the moment. No use speculating on what might happen, or regretting for what I failed to do. No need to punish myself for my mistakes. I guess I’ll just take things now slowly, pero surely. And yeah, there is indeed a time for everything under heavens. Thanks ARLO. Your message meant a lot to me.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks KC, loved your comments. Yeah, it was quite painful to do that, especially when you feel that not fighting would be the best albeit the hardest thing you have to do. To let go of someone who was never yours could prove to be just twice as heartbreaking.

I guess we just have to learn how to pick our own battles and decide how much we are willing to stake out into the battlefield. Just make sure that you keep a little of something to yourself so that when you lose, you still have something to hold on to.

I wouldn’t close my heart to the possibilities. That’s one thing I’m definitely sure of. Wishing you all the best KC. Keep in touch. =)

kc said...

yeah, you're right. you should also learn to love yourself by keeping a little bit for yourself. it's called healthy narcissism. how can you love other people when you don't love yourself, right?

see how this experience is making you stronger and wiser? i congratulate you for that. good luck on your endeavors! :)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks KC. Yup, that was perfectly stated. =) But I guess loving yourself is sometimes the most difficult part. =(

I remember when I was in college, I wrote an article about this given topic: "Acceptance is the beginning of love." It was well-written, except that my prof commented that I was not able to expound on the topic of self-love. Then, I immediately knew, that I have a little problem loving myself. But that's just me. Thankfully, I'm now learning how to. And I'm eternally grareful for my life experiences for teaching me such valuable lessons. =)

And yup, this experience made me a tad stronger and wiser. There's indeed a greater purpose in life, after all. =)

chase said...

i can't seem to comprehend that something this sad could be posted in your genuinely happy disposition blog.
Maybe you had in your previous post but i shun those kind of stuff. i dunno, i always see the good side of things.

I'm not really good in giving pieces of advice and i always end up saying the wrong thing. All i can give you ruff is my sincerest and warmest hug.


isipin mo nalng meron. heheheh

empress maruja said...

I honestly do not know which you are more afraid of: falling in love with a one-night stand or leaving your "comfort zone".

No matter how much we don't want certain things to happen in our lives, sometimes you would realize that it is the same fears that would actually set us free.

Ay! Masyado akong nagpakabibo! Maghanap na lang muna ako ng lalake't magpa-refesh. CHING!

Jhed said...


I usually suffer from the same dilemma. Falling for someone you shouldn't be falling for. Heck, I had my dose of "this is just sex, no strings attached" but ended up falling for the guy.. haha! I know, that's how gullible I am when it comes to love (and not to mention stupid).


Kaya nga I always end up hurt in the end. Oh well, life goes on. Keber na lang noh! :))

Reyville of Simply Manila said...

Dropping by. Follow Through is a touching story. U should publish it somewhere. HeHe.

I keep on guessing the name to read the story straight but I only came up with Chorva. So there, I hope Chorva and U will find your ways cross again.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks CHASE. Ako din eh, just when I thought that everything in my life is going well came this personal tragedy. As much as I would like to avoid spreading misery through my blog, ewan ko ba, parang sumabog na lang lahat, and I’m kinda happy din naman for the cathartic release. And what made me really thankful was that I saw other people’s perspectives about my situation. It’s refreshing. It clears my clouded emotions. It gives me insight about my problem. And it is always comforting to know that there are people in this universe that cares for you in their little simple ways.

Thanks for the hug chase. Don’t worry, this comment of yours has been really therapeutic. I felt the warmth and the sincerity in your hug.

(*ruff hugs back*)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Oooh, EMPRESS MARUJA!!! Thanks for the visit, and thank you for your advice!!!

Thank you for providing insight to my situation because honestly, I have problems with both. I started to develop *certain feelings for my one night stand but I know that it’s wrong, so I tried to avert my suppressed emotions while it was just brewing up. Perhaps I still have some reservations about starting a new relationship from a bad seed. It’s not that I hated what happened, its just that I’m looking for an appropriate start. And I guess I’m still afraid of leaving my comfort zone. I have been living without a special man in my life for quite some time now and I’m still afraid that I might, again, be burned this time.

But yeah, I know that things will happen, and they have to happen, it’s just a matter of timing. I’m just praying that when that time comes, I’ll be more than prepared to risk it all, without reservations this time.

This comment of yours was so refreshing; it was really nice to hear from someone who truly has a grasp of what’s happening in my head. =) Thanks your HIGHNESS.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

I guess we share the same predicament JHED, it’s really hard when LOVE gets in the way of SEX, or when SEX gets in the way of LOVE, it’s like a double-edged sword—you can’t seem to mix one with the other or things will start to get messy. Or better yet, I guess the better thing to remember is to NOT get involved in LOVE or in SEX, without being truly prepared and ready to get hurt both physically and emotionally.

Right now I’m upholding my No Sex Involved rule on the first date. I’m a sucker for good-looking guys kasi. Siguro I just need to work out on impulse control. Set rules on the beginning—but be free also to break them once in a while. Hehe.

And yup, life, indeed, goes on. And it’s only gonna make us strong. =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks for the visit REYVILLE! Thanks for your kind words. =)

That was my most sensible break-up ever, if you would call it that, cause at least I’ve got the closure I deserve. I hope. And that was what I’m praying for too—that we will meet again, this time, I’m now ready to start something new. We’ll start right this time, and I’ll be willing to give it my all. As for now, I’ll try to get well muna, and I’m hoping he’ll be fine too. By the way his name was Chard nga pala, but Chorva would be just as fine. =)

Reyville of Simply Manila said...

U're most welcome. Extend my regards to Chard. And oh, we got the same results in the gay test.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Thanks REYVILLE. Don't worry, i'll let him know IF ever we'll meet again. =)

Diba the results of that quiz is enough to put a little smile on our faces? Nakaka-uplift ng mood and self-esteem. Hehe.

Thanks for stopping by! =)

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