You Drive Me Crazy

it's not the large things that
send a man to the
madhouse. death he's ready for, or
murder, incest, robbery, fire, flood...
no, it's the continuing series of small tragedies
that send a man to the
madhouse...

not the death of his love
but a shoelace that snaps
with no time left ...

Basic neuro-psychiatry taught me that poem by Charles Bukowski, and it is indeed very true. Psychiatric disorders are not always caused by huge life tragedies, but of the series of life experiences that might seem trivial or inconsequential, but do overwhelms a person in the long run, more like:

not the death of his love
but a blog that was not updated
with no time left ...

Just kidding.

This post is supposed to be entitled as "I can diagnose what personality disorder you have by the way you blog!" but due to space constraints, I just used the title of the song of my ex-idol Baldie, er, Britney Spears, to spice things up.


Are you ready for your psychiatric evaluation? Read on.

Listed below are several yes/no questions relating to your attitudes toward life and blogging. Several diagnoses are listed thereafter, to which doctors, nurses, psychiatrists or psychologist, might be familiar about. Ready? Be honest eh?

Situation 1:

Do you suspect, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving you? Are you always preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of your blog friends? Do you persistenly perceive that your blogroll friends are writing derogatory posts about you? Or suspect that your friends think of your blog as good-for-nothing?


Do you think that Dr. Miranda Grey's (Hale Berry) character in Gothika epitomizes the real you?

Your diagnosis:
PARANOID PERSONALITY DISORDER

Situation 2:

Do you check your grammar, spelling, tenses, text alignment, font size, the position of your widgets, absence of broken links, and number of posts 467,193 times before you hit the PUBLISH NOW button? Do you have the preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization, bodily functions, or schedules to the extent that blogging becomes no longer fun? Are you perfectionist, overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about everything in your blog, and in your life?


Does Michael J. Fox's appearance in Scrubs (Season 4) ring a bell?

Your diagnosis:
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Situation 3:

Are all your posts emotionally cold and detached? Do you have limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others? Do you have few (if any) close blog friends or relationships? Or do you lack the desire for such? Do you take pleasure from blogging alone, almost always avoiding any personal relationships? Are you always preoccupied with fantasy and introspection?


Does Kat Stratford's (Julia Stiles) performance in 10 Things I Hate About You mirrors your true personality?

Your diagnosis:
SCHIZOID PERSONALITY DISORDER

Situation 4:

Does your blogsite offers step-by-step technical support for any of these topics: organizing a crime syndicate, preparation of illegal drugs, child trafficking and promotion of human slavery, the know-hows of arson and terrorism, the basics of suicide bombing, or embalming living human beings? Do you fail to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest? Does a google search of murder, rape, animal cruelty, serial killing, smuggling, theft, child abuse, extortion and larceny (individually or collectively) provides a direct link to your site?


Is The Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) your personal hero?

Your diagnosis:
ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER

Situation 5:

Do you have difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others? Do you consult 24 of your blogfriends whether or not you should publish your entry that took you 2 weeks of revision thinking that your topic isn’t good enough? Do you check your site counter every 5 minutes and feels helpless when you noticed that the same 00123 visitors haven’t moved from the time elapsed? Do you go to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant?


Will Slim (Jennifer Lopez in Enough) play your role when you have your biography converted into the Big Screen?

Your diagnosis:
DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER

Situation 6:

Do you have a grandiose sense of self-importance? Are you always preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love? Do you think your blog requires excessive admiration and demands that your blogfriends should marvel at your work all the time? Are you often envious of your blogfriends, or do you believe that others are envious of you? Do you check your blog every now and then and adulate your work to the point that you could almost see a reflection of yourself in the computer screen and see perfection in it?


Upon seeing the picture, did you exclaim "Oh My God! Regina George (Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls) is SO SO ME!!!"

Your diagnosis:
NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

Situation 7:

Are you socially isolated, unattached and withdrawn to reality? Is your blog all about your odd behaviour and thinking, and often with unconventional beliefs such as being convinced of having extra sensory abilities, when in fact you have none? Do you detest visitors on your site? Do you consider your iPod and iBook as your closest friends, it’s as if they reply back when you talk to them?


Is Swimfan your favorite movie and Madison (Erika Christensen) your uber-favorite onscreen character?

Your diagnosis:
SCHIZOTYPAL PERSONALITY DISORDER

Situation 8:

Do you have the tendency to split things as “all-good” or “all-evil,” almost to the point of having unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes of idealization and devaluation? Do you have marked or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self? Does your blog talk about your impulsive and potentially damaging habits of overspending, promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, self-mutilation, and suicidal behaviours? Do you often feel empty and dissociated, as if the person writing in your blog is not you?


Do you idolize Timmy York's (Bret Loehr) personality in Identity?

Your diagnosis:
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Situation 9:

Do you always feel a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation? Do you avoid any activity that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection, and just live your existence through blogging? Are you always preoccupied with being criticized or rejected with the way you write? Do you view yourself as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others?


Is seeing Samara in The Ring brings you nostalgic memories of your cherished childhood?

Your diagnosis:
AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER

Situation 10:

Is your blog’s style of speech excessively impressionistic and exaggerated, almost theatrical and melodramatic? Is it full of inappropriately sexually seductive or provocative photos, it’s as if you demand to be at the center of attention? Is your life characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness? Do you consistently use your physical appearance to draw other’s attention to yourself?


Oooops. No Reaction. KRIS IS MY PERSONAL SAVIOR. Hehehe.


Are you a member of the Steve Stifler (The Uber-yummy but nasty Sean William Scott) fan club?

Your diagnosis:
HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

*

If you’re thinking that such disorders are mere figments of my imagination, think again. Such disorders are established psychiatric diagnoses or mental illnesses as listed in the DSM-IV-TR (the masterlist of all mental disorders). But worry not, provided they do not interfere with your work and social obligations, you’re perfectly fine, normal, healthy, exceptional, perfect. Just remember:

with each broken shoelace
out of one hundred broken shoelaces,
one man, one woman, one thing

enters a
madhouse.

so be careful
when you
bend over.

Be careful when you blog over. =)

*

P. S. Kris Aquino photo from abuggedlife.com, Britney Spears' photo from Yahoo! Music and the rest of movie images from Yahoo! Movies. Some information taken from DSM-IV-TR Manual, Wikipedia, and Keltner, Videbeck and Mosby's Psychiatry.