Beauty From Pain

When I was eight, my uncle, who used to be very close to me, died. As part of the family ritual, all of us went to the province for the wake. Since I was still a grade school student then, we just stayed for the measly weekend before we decided to go home. It was my first time to look at a loved one over the coffin then. And as frightened and anxious as I was, it felt really nothing, it’s as if I just looked at my uncle, only he was dead.

As we were headed home, I could still recall seeing myself in a trancelike state almost all throughout the entire trip --- between the state of wakefulness and slumber. It’s as if I was dreaming, only I was partly awake. And in my dreamlike state I saw my dead uncle talking and interacting with me as if he was still alive.

My mom said I was crying that entire time. I fell acutely ill for almost a week and I wasn’t able to go to school. I’m having this vague feeling as to whether I’m having hallucinations or I’m just dreaming. Because all those times, I was seeing, talking, and living with my dead uncle’s spirit.

When I told my mom what was happening, she dismissed the idea and thought that I was just seeing things, as me and my uncle used to be really close when he was still alive. However, when I fell seriously ill then—I was having chills, unexplained fever, night terrors, and crying spells—those incidences prompt my mom to consult my pediatrician.


My doctor said that everything is normal. No pathology could be determined, nor any organic abnormality be established. Since I still feel worse at that time, we finally consulted a child psychologist.

It was post-traumatic stress disorder, told my psychologist. I wasn’t aware of that term back then, nor I’m not really sure if that was my exact diagnosis really, but I recall that what was happening is due to a traumatic event my emotions/psyche could not handle. I was given a short-course therapy of defusion and some psychological exams to ascertain my wellness.

It was a really short therapy session. I was well by the time I finished 1 month therapy. I resumed my studies, and thankfully finished on the top of my third grade class.

Months passed and the same visions ensue. This time I did not tell my parents of what was happening. It is in this time that I discovered my special gift. Just like in the movie.

I see dead people.

And I think this is one thing I just have to live with. Not only for this Halloween, but for the rest of my life.

Images from flickr.