Saturday, September 22, 2007

These Dreams

Exactly two days before the Nursing Licensure results are released, Skeleton Collector dreamt that he got to check my examination papers and that he gave me a failing mark. He said that he has done everything imaginable to alter my grades but in the end, I still got a rating extremely unacceptable by any standards.

In reality I only got a failing mark ONCE in my Biochemistry exam when I got a score of 6 out of a 15-item-post-test. I was not at all alarmed when I learned that I still got the highest mark among our batch of 487 students.

I almost went into a coronary as I was reading Skeleton’s comments. It was definitely not the most appropriate time to hear another anxiety-provoking story as the board results will be posted in a matter of a few days. The only thing that kept me at peace the entire time --- the absence of the words “Licensure Examinations for Nurses on the paper Skeleton Collector was checking.

Two days later, I received the good news that I passed the freaking exams. Thence I got into the hasty generalization that dreams are just reality on the contrary.

For three consecutive nights, I have been dreaming of, and about, my ex-lover. It was extremely lucid and vivid that I could recall every insignificant detail in my dream --- every circumstance, every person involved, every line of the conversation, everything. I guess it wouldn’t come as a surprise when I told my good friends that I’m sort of missing him since I saw him a few weeks back and I gave him the coldest treatment by not even looking at his face.

Freud’s psychoanalytic psychology postulates that our dreams contain our most intimate wishes. Jungian influence tells us that dreams symbolize a cognisant representation, depicting an emotion or a memory so repressed, so distressing that the unconscious compensates it in fantasy.

Since my dreams about my ex-lover mostly show myself chasing after him, I think it would be safe to say that I still might have feelings for him (in my dreams, at the very least) just repressed into the deep recesses of my memory. When I saw him the other week, I couldn’t feel anymore ecstatic, my pulse is racing so fast, butterflies keep on rambling in my stomach, my palms perpetually sweating, my eyes in uncontrollable gazes. My body reacting contradictorily to what my heart, and my mind is trying to convey me.

Last night I told myself that if I dreamt of him once again, I will try to rebuild the bridge that I once burned. The heavy downpour of rain seemed to aptly coincide with my peaceful slumber.

In my dream, I’m still in three strokes under par. I’m in a prestigious 18-hole golf course in Hong Kong, playing golf with my closest buddies. The rain ruined my perfectly-executed game, and my college classmates watched me intently, and fervently, as I was taking a shower, in my naked glory, of course.

And this time, I no longer need psychoanalysis to tell me what to do. =)


KC said...

Hi Ruff!

Dreams can sometimes be really crazy that they might seem real.

So you said you now know what to do. Do what you think is best for you. Good luck with that! =)

kalansaycollector said...

hmmm... dreams nga naman. naalala ko rin yung post ko about dreams... sobrang mysterious talaga ng mga panaginip. pero ang galing din noh? akala natin naibaon natin sa limot.. hindi pa pala...

at wow taray special mention ako sa post na ito! hehe. ;p


reply ko sa reply mo sa akin bout waiting...

naku im sure naman nurse ruff na may natutunan ka sa mga failed relationships mo. hindi man naging happy ending at least may moral ang story di ba? ;p

and yeah, kaya nga ako naghihintay kasi alam kong may darating. haha. (or baka wala naman talaga at umaasa lang ako. may reverse pyschology dito? hehe)

Anonymous said...

ex are nightmares. ewan ko ba, paghinahunting tayo matindi pa sa shotgun baril nila. they kill us emotionally. dhang!

Kiks said...

if i were you, i'd come prepared in my next dream. taking off from jackie's comment, i'll bring a shotgun and shoot my ex straight in the face.

that way, i can wake up smiling. ;-)

kingdaddyrich said...

dreams are unconcious manifestation of reality.. yan din ang sinabi ko kay kalansay collector nung nabasa ko yung post niya about sa dreams.

ako naman minsan pag nananaginip nagkakatotoo. parang wala akong naaalalang pagkakataon na kabaligtaran ang kinalabasan. ay meron pala, nung dati kasi madalas akong nananaginip na maraming ka-sex na girls nang sabay sabay.. i think 3 versus one.. ha ha...

about the pussy thingy, kung nagja-jive ang wavelengths natin, nakaamoy ka na pala.. ha ha. ako kasi hindi pa.. hehe..


engz said...

pucha nanaginip ako russ na kinakasal ako...syeeet...complete from A to Zinc...nandun mga kamag-anak ko, tapos lahat ng detalye nakita ko except sa mukha ng bride ko..nyahaha...ang nakakatuwa, parang totoo in kabadung kabado ako...

tama bang isiping yun pala ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko? kailangan ko ang payo mo, madam ruffles..haha..*kidding..

kakalungkot naman kwento mo nung ex-lover mo..sayang...hmmm

pero ang nakakahiyang pangyayari sa kin eh nung nag wet dream ako..syet basang basa..guess what, kasama ko lahat ng friends community kami nun natulog..pucha deadma ako..haha...

Daizuke said...

Talking about dreams.. . Yesterday lng nanaginip ako ng ako daw ay isang SUPERMODEL --- I was the 1st Pinoy Supermodel daw to grace the cover of Vogue (Waaaa!!).. Complete yung details -- Photoshoots, runways etc... Though Im a supermodel fanatic, it is still very weird..

Dreams are usually a reflection of your emotions and the result of the feelings you were experiencing the days/months/years before. Yeah, ex-lover still hunts us even in our dreams.. Gives images about our frustrations.. our longings.. It brings to the surface any apprehension and hurt stemming from that old relationship which you fear may occur again.

I also had a dream about my ex-lover, one that ended so painfully and badly... I can still see that face of his, and feel the feeling that went with it..

Anonymous said...

Buti nga at opposite of reality wasur dream! :-)

U gotta get over him, (i mean forget about him) since i bet he was he has no more concern over u. :(

philippe said...

so, many of the those people we call our EX would constantly appear on dreams. could only mean that unconsiously (or something) we still want them? hay, that would be scary!

i would give my two beautiful legs in exchange of knowing if my ex (or even your ex) has the same dreams bout us...

if yes ang kasagutan, may ma-sasampal! magkabilang pisngi! hmp! =)

Cory said...

thank God my ex doesn't appear in my dreams or that would've been a very sordid nightmare. u my friend, on the otherhand, ay may pagtingin sa taong parte ng iyong nakaraan but you'll get over him i'm sure. :D

i dreamt recently that my sister-in-law died. that was tragic and in reality, ofcourse i don't actually want her dead. some freaky dream that was.

aCey said...

talk about dreams! and freud! hahaha. interesting dream, nusrse ruff! nakakaintriga.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@KC: Thanks KC! Ain’t it a coincidence that I was watching KC: From Paris to Pinas as I was typing this comment. Hehehe. =) What is really scary? Knowing that this reality we’re living in is indeed a huge dream.
~As to what I’ve done? I erased his number from my phonebook! =) And this time, there’ll be no turning back. I hope. I’m in such an emotional mess right now.

@KALANSAY COLLECTOR: Of course kalansay, ikaw talaga yung naisip ko habang tina-type ko yung entry na ito. Siguro hindi talaga natin kayang ibaon sa limot ang mga malulungkot (at masasayang) mga pangyayari sa buhay natin, kasi kahit anong pilit natin, lalabas at lalabas din ang mga ito --- maging sa panaginip man o hindi. =( Nakakainis lang kasi kung bakit kahit anong gawin natin, mayroong mga bagay na hindi pa rin natin lubos na matanggap. At habang tayo’y nabubuhay, tayo’y mumultuhin ng mga alaalang hindi natin makalimutan.

Sa Waiting part: Marami akong natututunan, totoo yan, pero ang problema sa akin, gumagawa pa rin ako ng mga bagay kahit na alam ko ay mali. Parang hindi na talaga yata ako matututo eh. Parang kailangan ko na namang masaktan at masaktan para matuto. Kung sa bagay, experience is the best teacher nga naman diba? =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@JACKIE: What is much weirder ate jackie? Alam na nga nating living nightmares sa mga buhay natin ang ating mga failed relationships na yan eh hina-haunt pa rin nila tayo even in our dreams!
~Maybe that’s the reason why we really needed closure. To put an end to emotions and feelings that would remain awry if left unsettled. The bad thing about mine? We never had one. =(

@KIKS: Kiks, you know what I’m planning to do? Bring a shotgun to school and shoot not only my ex, but every person that reminds me of him (our common friends and his bestfriends)! Parang Virginia Tech? =) But I guess I’m still sane enough to do that.
~I still have conflicting feeling kiks. I was psychologizing everything --- our wonderful moments, our special times, everything tapos inisip ko yung 3 days na iniyak ko, and feeling ko I still might have feelings for him OR I still might have unresolved emotions (not necessarily romantic ones). Hindi ko kasi na-express lahat ng galit ko sa kanya eh. Haaay, ang corny ko talaga kiks. Basta I’ll take this time for myself muna and I’ll let time do the healing.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@KINGDADDYRICH: And Freud even believed that you can treat psychiatric disorders using dream analysis and free associations! Now that was weird!
~I think you’re talking about déjà vu. Yung parang nangyari na yung mga nangyayari or yung napanaginipan mo eh nangyayari sa kasalukuyan. Pero in fairness kingdaddy, nakaka-relate ako, remember this post “Irreplaceable/Unwritten?” Napanaginipan ko siya pero hindi nangyari sa reality, er, nangyari pala, like what I’ve posted in “Umbrella.”
~And about the pussy part? Yup, mostly from birthing moms. Hahaha. =)

@ENGZ: Hahaha. Baka ayaw mo engz dun sa pakakasalan mo! =) Natuloy ba kayo sa honeymoon? =) Hehehe. If natuloy, you’re destined to get married within 1 year, if not, you’re not yet ready to get settled. =) Hahaha. Hows that for the interpretation? =(
~Siya naman kasi eh, kung sinabi niya na may lover na pala siya from the very beginning eh di sana sa ibang lover na lang yung pinagbuhusan ko ng pagmamahal at atensyon diba? Iba pa naman akong magmahal! =) Hahaha.
~As for the wet dreams? Sabi ng Pedia prof ko, wet dreams are signs of fecundity. Atleast look at the brighter side, you are a young, fertile, hot man! =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@DAIZUKE: Daizuke, you’re still on the running towards becoming Philippines Next Top Model! Cheers! Clap clap clap! Siguro model material ka no? E-mail mo naman sa kin pic mo. Hehehe. Just kidding.
~I usually have a wide spectrum of dreams. Naalala ko dati, nung bata ako, lagi kong napapanaginipan na ako si Batman and/or Blue Ranger sa Power Rangers tapos once napaniginipan ko yung childhood crush ko, I was protecting him daw from the villains. For weeks, hindi ako nakipag-usap sa kanya sa school, only to find out that I have developed feelings for him already. Take note: this dream happened when I was like 11 or 12. Pero recently, I usually have dreams of erotic kind.
~That’s the sad thing about ex-lover. Sometimes we could let go of the person. But the emotions? Not a chance. =( Tears, tears.

@JOSH: Thank you josh for reminding me of that. =) Omigod josh, bakit hindi ko ba naisip yan! Well, if in case he’s still concerned about me, he should’ve made his presence felt in the first place right? Thank you josh, seriously, for saying such kind words! Worry not josh, dahil sa comment na yan, hindi ko na kailangan pang mag-isip pa. You’ve made my mind up for me josh! =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@PHILIPPE: As for my opinion philippe, if in case we still want our EXes, we wouldn’t even need dreams to remind us of that. Kung gusto talaga natin sila, no amount of dreams, suppression, repression of feelings, or whatever could make us change what we are feelings inside. Dreams serve siguro as a reminder that there are still unresolved emotions inside of us, waiting to be settled, or else it would haunt us forever.
~As for that gamble? I would love love love to know if my ex has the same dream about me. At kung yes, philippe, I won’t be single for too long then.

@CORY: Cory, how’s your blogging-less life? Aral mabuti my friend! =)
~Feel ko naman ay meron pa rin akong emotions for him. Hindi na siguro mawawala yun kasi he has become a huge part of my life na. The only thing I’m looking for right now? A person who will make much wonderful memories in such a way that those not-so-good memories of mine will definitely become a “forgotten” thing of the past.
~I don’t know what I’m going to do if ever I dreamt of a death among family members. What did you felt cory? =(

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@ACEY: I hate Freud, bad dream, exes, failures and psychology. That’s why this post meant so much to me. I got to express all of my personal taboos in a therapeutic, healing, and definitely, socially-acceptable manner.
~Thanks for the comments everyone! =)

Anonymous said...

ruff, you gave me a review of my psycho analysis days... how i miss practicing psychology! haaayyy... why did i end up to be an english teacher?

by the way ruff, i've been frequenting usth for 3 days now, my goddaughter is sick so i visit her often. just to let you know *wink*

Bryan Anthony the First said...

naku, next time you have a sexual themed dream tell us all about it ha

_davenport_ said...

These Dreams by Heart, i consider it as one of the most hunted songs...

blog hop from engz!

kalansaycollector said...

katouch naman at naisip mo pa ako nung mga panahong iyon. :) yeah. hindi talaga maiwasan na ganun.

siguro dahil sa paulit-ulit na pagkakamali mukha ka lang hindi natuto... pero im sure natuto ka nun. kaya ka nga nagmamahal uli di ba? and yes experience pa rin ang best teacher! ;p


I think dreams are just random visions which our mind produces to bring us back to a state of wakefulness.

Anonymous said...

Nakakamis talaga ang mga ex lalo na pag extra special sila.

KC said...

*lol* just remember that she's the ethereally beautiful KC and I' ordinary kimora. Ngek!!!

It's weird especially when people say that they are living their dreams. So I might say that there's a thin line between reality and dreams.

Gaah! What am I even saying?

Yas Ligtas said...

hey ruff. dreams can be more real than reality itself...tantantan :)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@MIKKOI: Hahaha. I never liked Psychology classes: 1) my teacher was so masungit, 2) his class starts from 1pm til 2:30, trans: siesta time, and 3) I don’t like psychology topics. =) correct me if I’m mistaken mikkoi but did you take psychology in college? Well, good for you my friend. Parehas yata kayo ni Bino. =)

~What happened to your goddaughter mikkoi? I’m still off-duty eh. What ward na-admit inaanak mo mikkoi? I’m helping some undergrads in their thesis at the campus eh, would you like to have a snack or something (if our sched meets, that is)?

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@BRYAN ANTHONY I: You’ve missed some of my posts bryan. You can visit my posts Irreplaceable/Unwritten and of course, feel free to post your comments too.

@DAVENPORT: These Dreams and Alone (both by Heart) --- they chill me to the bones! =) And they are very haunting indeed.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@KALANSAY COLLECTOR: Of course kalansay. Aside from experiences, ang mga nangyayari sa aking mga readers na may kinalaman sa aking buhay ang nagiging inspirasyon para sa aking mga naisusulat. At dahil lumabas nga naman ako sa iyong panaginip, at close friends na tayo, ang parting iyun ng ating buhay ay karapat-dapat lamang na ilathala sa blog ko na ito. Atleast, hindi na kita makakalimutan diba? I have this post to remind me of you.

~Maybe I’m more of a masochist for that matter kalansay, the more pains I receive, the faster, and the better I learn. And if it weren’t for those mistakes, I wouldn’t be standing here right now. In the end, I’m still thankful for those experiences, they have made me a better person.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@MISTERHUBS: But there are times when dreaming feels really good that you wouldn’t want to go back to reality anymore. Sometimes dreaming could be the last resort for some people to experience the most wonderful things reality could not even afford to give. And when reality kicks in, all that we could do is look back into our dreams and be thankful that things like those happen… if only in our dreams.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@BINO: I know bino. Especially when the experiences you have shared with them are the most memorable ones in your life. Too bad they have to end really soon.

@KC: In fairness, ok naman ang specials niya. Nakaka-inggit. Hahaha.
~I guess there is a thin line KC. And I think that those people who have successfully enliven their dreams are the most luckiest ones in the world.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@YAS LIGTAS: Hi russ! As for the impossible things in life, I resort to dreaming. For those that have at least a slightest chance of coming true, I then switch to reality. =)

~Dreams could be interpreted in so many ways, but medically speaking, they’re just brain chemicals and electric signals in a little disarray.

Anonymous said...

ruff, just an acute gastroenteritis (hope i spelled it right). unfortunately am back to work tomorrow, maybe next time if ever, i could go to ust any time? :)

yes i'm a psych grad and the resident dream interpreter of my officemates. hahahaha!

dazedblu* said...

hmm, i felt the same way wit a former crush... pro weirdest thing is we've never talk even before but in my dreams eh kinausap nya ako. wuz it like a future instance to come? ayaw kung isispin.

one friend told me, maybe it wuz TL, i don' think so coz we haven't kno each other's company.. whooo.

icka said...

you stated there that when you saw him, you gave him a cold treatment, is it because you try to act as if you don't care at all?

but it seems in your dreams, it's the opposite. you were following after him.

when we dream, our subconscious is at work, allowing the dreamer to recognize some emotions than have been unentertained in reality. *echos* sabi ko lang.

i miss visiting you blog, ruff!

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@MIKKOI: yup, you've spelled it correctly. is it in San Alberto Ward? grabe mikkoi i cant wait till october. i want my old job back. =)
~oh my! can you interpret my dream mikkoi? i also have another, its in this post "Unwritten/Irreplaceable?" I've been haunted by so many dreams in my past, I couldn't even decipher what's real from fantasy anymore! =) is this an impending schizophrenia mikkoi? hehehe

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@DAZEDBLU*: On the contrary, ako naman yung estranged party sa dream ko. I kept on chasing after him pero he keeps on ignoring me. I don't have any clue. Pero I think I'll stick with my decision --- I have erased his number on my phonebook already, and I have no intention, as in poof, nada, zilch, of ever seeing him again, intentionally, that is.
~I guess this decision is still the most therapeutic and sanest one knowing how I'm emotionally messy right now.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@ICKA: Yup icka, you got it! He looked at me twice but I just ignored him on both instances. My friends who are with me at that time told me that I should say hi, or act civilly (if there's such a term) pero I just kept on ignoring him.

But in my dreams, I'm the one doing the chasing part. It's sooo crazy.

I know that he might no longer have feelings for me. I wholeheartedly entertain that idea but it's just that we never had closure. And if there's a slightest chance, even the faintest chance that he might like me, or even love me, I guess I'll be more than willing to give it a shot.

But I'm not entertaining that gamble as of the moment. I'm still in an emotional mess, I need time to regroup. To breathe. And reboot. =)

I miss you too icka. =) See you soon sweetie.

icka said...

hmm.. guess you really love him that much.well, that's the sad thing about being unable to settle such goodbyes, one tends to hold back.but if you can fix it, then i advise you to do it or else the emotion will haunt you wherever you go and even appear on your dreams or better yet reboot your system... it makes a good start for everything!

*hugs*there's a lot of fishes in the sea, make sure you catch the biggest one! hehe*

chase said...

my pulse will race. my stomach will be not be rambled by butterflies but moths trying to get out. yes, my eyes to will also have uncontrollable gazes. all these are just normal reactions when i if i see my ex. Right after i convey to him with my stare "i bring a whole different meaning to - a good catch. you lost bitch. look at me now, i'm hot and ur not"

chase said...

hehehe.. sori papa ruff for the previous comment. hehe
anyway, i have sex dreams with my cousin. even after he got infected with hepatitis b.. or was it A.. i dunno. i had a sex dream with him.
when i wake up, i wanted to puke.. yaks...
wat does dis mean? does dis mean im incestuous? hehehe

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@ICKA: i loved him so much that despite everything --- the pains i've endured, the psychological trauma, the emotional breakdowns --- i would always come back to his love.

"when you're stuck with loving someone, no matter how hard you try to forget that person, its just not enough. sometimes all we can do is to stay away, and it does help a bit, but just for a while. cause when that person shows you even the smallest gesture of affection, all your efforts of moving on go down the drain... and you're left alone again with nothing else to say but...

damn, i just fell for that again."

and i guess i'm falling for him again. just kidding. i'm now wise and experienced enough to know what he is and what he is not.

after all, he is a fish i'm not supposed to have but i kept on holding on for so long.

i'll let him slip away this time. i hope the right catch comes along. =) thanks icka. be well.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@CHASE: my heart beats so hard i could almost feel my chest burst. my pulse races so fast i could feel the veins palpate at the back of my neck as it throbs in my perplexed head. i could feel my stomach churn and rumble, my knees melt and my spine weaken.

that's what i feel everytime i see not only my ex-, but a message from you as well. i don't know if it's love, or the lack thereof, but as of now, these reeling emotions need not be explained at all. but accepted with my pure heart and soul. =)

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

@CHASE: no biggie chase. basta coming from you, okay na okay sa akin yun.

~buti ka pa nga dreams lang eh, i have a previous tad-nasty experience with a cousin of mine (but that was back when i was much much younger and am stupid and voluntary enough to do some kinky and exotic sexual favors). its all good though, he had been greatly influential in my discovery of my true sexuality.

~as for your dream, i can only speculate between these three things a) you secretly like your cousin, b) you secretly like your cousin, or c) you secretly like your cousin. just kidding. =) careful with the sex though. the last thing you would want is catching a STD without having the sex part happening. =) right?

chase said...

hayy naku.
basta si papa ruff, ma ning2x ako. hehe
wala akong masabi. nag blush ako
ang cute mo kc.hehehe..
feeling ko lng. haha

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

haha chase. feel ko mas cute ka eh, and by cute i mean, hunky, gorgeous, sarap-to-the-bones (or boner, whatever you prefer) =) and of course, a very witty and intelligent young man.

proficiency in bed may or may not be required but is desirable nonetheless. just kidding. =)

YM nga tayo papa chasey. =)

chase said...

hahahahaay.. papa ruff. heheeh
YM? cge bah.. i'll reactivate my Ym. will message u first nalng. okidoki.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

Hahaha! Sure papa sam/chase. Hintay ko yan ha! Punta ka na lang kc dito sa Manila eh (or punta na lang kaya ako dyan sa Cebu?). Hmmm. Basta you'll be my tour guide ha?!

With hubby's permission of course. =)

chase said...

basta ikaw papa ruff. i-tour kita. pramis

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