Tears In Heaven

Music and me—we’re inseperable. If not for a lightning striking me alive whilst wearing my iPod, an acoustic/vestibular Schwannoma (cancer arising from ear cells) will definitely kill me in the future.

I’ve had melodiacal-inspired posts before (my top ten songs, my Samson post, my Vanessa Williams obsession, etc). But this time, I have decided to list the ten songs that moved me to tears and made me cry. Not in a heartrending, poignant way, but songs that literally made me CRY, as in weep with anger, pain and hatred that made me wish I wasn’t born at all.

Feel free to curse, say shitty stuffs, and throw your computer screens or laptops while reading this post.



10. Barbie Girl (Aqua)

This is the most promiscuous, pedophilic, immoral song ever written! How dare you turn Barbie, my favourite pre-pubescent toy, into a twisted sexual object! Hello? “You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere… kiss me here, touch me there, smell-my-panty.” Pervert!!! Lene Marlin, you’re destined to burn in hell with this song. I assure you of that.

9. Lucky (Britney Spears)

Don’t get me wrong! I adore Britney Spears. I think that her songs You Got It All and From the Bottom of My Broken Heart are good albeit mediocre pieces. But this song, complete with its music video, is plain unacceptable. Why oh why Britney?! “Isn’t she lovely, this Hollywood girl?” Are you even pertaining to yourself with that line? Lovely? Hollywood? Girl?

8. Mirror Mirror (M2M)

Randomly pick 2 Norwegian women afflicted with precocious puberty, give the 1st lady a piano and the other one a guitar, inoculate Diphtheria bacilli in their pharynges, and give them a screen-name a flaming queer will definitely enjoy. That is the perfect recipe for success.

7. Boombastic (Shaggy)

I’ve danced this tune once when I was in elementary with matching shades, baggy pants and psychedelic-printed polo. The day after that my theatre teacher excluded me from the school play, my basketball teammates refused to talk to me, my childhood crush hated me, and I was scorned even by my best friend. Such harsh, harsh childhood. Damn you, Shaggy.

6. The Ketchup Song (Las Ketchup)

I was in Freshman College when this song surprisingly turned out to be a huge hit. During our college week, when my professors with Ph.D., MD, Ll.B., Ed.D, M.A. and M.Sci. degrees danced this as a part of college presentation, I have lost trust in each of them. No self-respecting person would dance this song… in public… ever.



5. Bye Bye Bye (N*Sync)

My comment? Well N*Sync, Bye Bye Bye! See you with Britney!

4. All Filipino Novelty Songs (M2M, ie., Many to Mention)

I think it all started with Bayani Agbayani’s Ocho Ocho, followed by Muskulados’ Jumbo Hotdog, then Viva Hot Babes’ Bulaklak, and Alienic’s Dayang Dayang. Enter Joey de Leon’s Itaktak Mo, reciprocated by the uber-controversial Willie Revillame’s Boom-Tarat and Iyugyug Mo among others. Enter Mystica, Mahal and Mura, Michael V., Vhong Navarro, Angelica Jones, and so much more. One person to blame though, Lito Camo. You’re going to pay for the countless lives you’ve destroyed with your songs Lito. Mark my words!

3. Mmm-Bop (Hanson)

Mmm-bop, badu-badop-badu-bop, badu-badop-badu-bap, bado ba dap ba doo. Yehe yehe. What the f*&% was that? Please explain.

2. Macarena (Los del Rio)

Don’t tell me you didn’t memorize the steps of this song?! When I was little and my brain’s the size of my testicle, I would dance this song to the point of exhaustion. That was the time when I believed that Spice Girls were homosexual men in drag clothing, LA Lopez is an alien incarnate, and shouting Power-Up will transform me into Pink Ranger. Now, I definitely know better.

And the number one… drumroll please…

1. Magic Carpet Ride (Aring-King-King-King) (Steppenwulf)

What on earth was the inspiration for this song? If I would be president, I will definitely impose Death Penalty to criminals by playing this Aring-King-King sh*t over and over again until their heads explode or they slam their heads so hard they crack open! This song is trash epitomized.

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Do I hear you cursing? Just kidding. Feel free to youtube the songs if you’re not familiar with them. Now I couldn’t get this annoying Aring-King-King-King song off of my head. Dang!